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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/annoyed at MIL?

49 replies

lottie198 · 21/12/2022 06:53

It was my sons first birthday party on Sunday. My partners family turned up with his niece and said that's she's not very well, she's got a cough and sore throat. But please can she come in as she's so excited for the party. Well it put me in an awkward position , so I said she can come in but keep your distance from my son. Well she's a child (8), she didn't really keep her distance and kept coughing. They know how I feel about getting illnesses and I always say let me know before you come etc.
My little boy had about 2 months of constant colds and viruses recently. It's all a natural normal part of building immunity. But it's still awful for him and means many sleepless nights. He wasn't eating well etc for those 2 months and it really knocked him about. I decided a few weeks ago I was going to take him out of his baby groups for a few weeks so hopefully he wouldn't catch anything and we can have a nice Christmas etc. I know he can catch something anywhere but we've not been to many places and he used to catch a lot from those groups.
Okay... fast forward to now , he's been up all night with a temp and not very well. He's clearly caught it off my partners niece. Im upset and annoyed because this could mean he's not well for Christmas either. Am I being unreasonable for being absolutely fuming at my partners family?

OP posts:
B1993 · 21/12/2022 08:26

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 08:20

@FrangipaniBlue because the world would literally stop if everyone who has a cough or cold started hibernating. It's just not practical.

This!

I'd say about 50% of the staff at my workplace (primary school) have been Ill this week and last and are continuing to battle through. I think most people recognise that minor illnesses (colds and such) are so common at this time of year and if everyone took time off, there would be very few people working and lots of businesses/places of work would come to a standstill if we all took time off.

Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 08:29

B1993 · 21/12/2022 08:02

I'm sorry to say it but also agree that you ABU. Kids get poorly and while it's not fun, I don't think you can particularly shield them from it and you just have to get on as PPs have said.

MIL informed you about the illness before coming in and, at that point, you should have said something if you weren't happy.

I'm sad to say but I've had many of disagreements with the in-laws after putting my foot down on certain issues. 🤷🏻‍♀️ While it is awkward and can cause friction (or at least in my case), you have to stand your ground if you feel strongly about something and not complain about it after the fact.

I do hope your DS feels well soon though! We're in the same boat and have covid (caught from work - I'm a teacher so not the same circumstances). Not sure if any of us will be well for Christmas, which is less than ideal but not about to complain to the kids we've all caught it off 😅

The point is, she didn't let me know in advance. She turned up to mine and didn't call ahead...

OP posts:
Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 08:32

RunnerDuck2020 · 21/12/2022 08:06

YANBU - so cheeky of her to just turn up with an ill child, most people would have called first to check whether you minded. It’s quite hard to turn a small child away at the door, which is what your MIL was betting on! I’d be cross too.

That's exactly how I feel. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 08:33

Hunkydory99 · 21/12/2022 07:45

I understand your frustration as I’ve got a 14 month old who’s been constantly unwell for 4 months. We’ve taken him out of nursery for this week and next to give him a break as either one of us is off with the older kids.

However, when they asked you if she could attend unwell you should have said no however awkward. And secondly you have no way of knowing it was the niece who has shared her germs. Any of the guests could have been unwell or carrying a cold/virus and not displaying symptoms at the party.

She only told me as she turned up at the door.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottie198 · 21/12/2022 08:35

Thanks for your comments. Interesting to hear people's views. I will focus on looking after my little boy and hopefully he is well for Christmas.

To those of you who sent pointless inconsiderate comments, I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

OP posts:
B1993 · 21/12/2022 08:37

@lottie198, I understand what you're saying, but when she informed you at the door you should have said then that you weren't comfortable with it, if you weren't.

I know that would be disappointing for the child, but I would have got them some treats/party bag/cake and a ballon and told them they can have a special picnic at home for now and then can come and visit when they're feeling better.

B1993 · 21/12/2022 08:42

@lottie198, not sure if I'm included in this: To those of you who sent pointless inconsiderate comments, I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

But I personally don't feel like any of the posts I've read (maybe I've missed one?!) were inconsiderate. I think people expressed a their views politely, even if they were disagreeing with you. I understand you want people to be on your side but it's not being inconsiderate to express a different opinion to your own.

As I said before, I hope your little boy feels better for Christmas!

SirMingeALot · 21/12/2022 08:49

He's clearly caught it off my partners niece.

There's no clearly about it. Any of the multiple people you invited could've had a virus that they passed on, even if they had no symptoms. They're everywhere.

Yanbu to be pissed off at them turning up when explicitly asked not to though, that's fucking rude.

Toddlerteaplease · 21/12/2022 08:53

He could have caught it from anywhere or anyone. It's winter. It can't be helped.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 09:34

@Dacadactyl you're being obtuse.

Nobody said anything about hibernating.

But if you don't need to mix with others (DN and my colleague being perfect examples) then don't do it.

Your "sniffle" could be someone else's 2 days in bed. Not everyone's immune systems react the same way to the same illness.

People being unable to go into work due to sickness is more likely to stop things from functioning than Janet in accounts staying away for a day or so and not spreading her germs.

Don't be an inconsiderate dick, it's not hard.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 09:37

I'd say about 50% of the staff at my workplace (primary school) have been Ill this week and last and are continuing to battle through. I think most people recognise that minor illnesses (colds and such) are so common at this time of year and if everyone took time off, there would be very few people working and lots of businesses/places of work would come to a standstill if we all took time off.

Imagine if the first person to come into work with the illness had just stayed away and the other 50% then hadn't caught it and been sick and had to "battle through"? Wow. What a world that would be!

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 09:40

@FrangipaniBlue We will have to agree to disagree (I don't, however, appreciate your insinuation of dickishness)

If I am feeling well enough to go to work with a cough/cold, I'm not going to affect my sickness record worrying about someone elses immune system. In my job, I am allowed 3 periods of sickness in 18 months (even if im off ill for a day, it is classed as a period of sickness).

When you are actually too ill to work is the time to stay at home.

rattlemehearties · 21/12/2022 09:46

"my partner's niece"... you sound very detached, you know this is your child's cousin, right?

abigailsnan · 21/12/2022 09:51

I am so sorry your little one is showing signs of being poorly,I would have refused MIL & niece to the party,in fact I would have not had a party at all with all the germs flying about at the minute, your little man would not have missed anything he would not know if it was his birthday or Shrove Tuesday you could have had a little tea party with mummy & daddy and arranged something at a later date

B1993 · 21/12/2022 10:08

@FrangipaniBlue, in my particular case, your argument is wholly irrelevant. The teachers caught the illnesss from the children. So actually, it would rely on those parents keeping their children at home to stop the spread of illness. (Do you do that every time your child has a sniffle?) But, in this climate, not many people (parents) can afford to take the time of work.

But, back to the teachers, unless cover can be obtained for 50% of school staff (HIGHLY UNLIKELY), all the children in those classes would have to stay home and prevent the parents from working. Hence, teachers battling on.

So, how about getting off of your high horse with all the swearing (very unnecessary) and think about the bigger picture?!

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 13:29

Again @Dacadactyl you are missing the point.

I explicitly said people shouldn't mix with others IF THEY DONT NEED TO.

Having a job that requires you to be physically present constitutes a need, clearly. But there is a whole other world of scenarios in which that does not apply.

In my colleagues case, he could've joined the meeting remotely (as others did).

In the OPs MIL case, she could've kept the niece at home.

There will always be situations where we cannot avoid coming into contact with germs or viruses.

But I stand by what I said. Infecting others when there is absolutely no need for you to be in close contact with those people is a dick move.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 13:29

B1993 · 21/12/2022 10:08

@FrangipaniBlue, in my particular case, your argument is wholly irrelevant. The teachers caught the illnesss from the children. So actually, it would rely on those parents keeping their children at home to stop the spread of illness. (Do you do that every time your child has a sniffle?) But, in this climate, not many people (parents) can afford to take the time of work.

But, back to the teachers, unless cover can be obtained for 50% of school staff (HIGHLY UNLIKELY), all the children in those classes would have to stay home and prevent the parents from working. Hence, teachers battling on.

So, how about getting off of your high horse with all the swearing (very unnecessary) and think about the bigger picture?!

Not every teacher will have caught every ailment from a student.

Unless you think the colleagues working while poorly have some kind of magic germ force field?

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 13:33

Oh and I swore ONCE in reference to a colleague in my original response to the OP.

So do stop clutching your pearls!

Rowen32 · 21/12/2022 14:09

lottie198 · 21/12/2022 06:53

It was my sons first birthday party on Sunday. My partners family turned up with his niece and said that's she's not very well, she's got a cough and sore throat. But please can she come in as she's so excited for the party. Well it put me in an awkward position , so I said she can come in but keep your distance from my son. Well she's a child (8), she didn't really keep her distance and kept coughing. They know how I feel about getting illnesses and I always say let me know before you come etc.
My little boy had about 2 months of constant colds and viruses recently. It's all a natural normal part of building immunity. But it's still awful for him and means many sleepless nights. He wasn't eating well etc for those 2 months and it really knocked him about. I decided a few weeks ago I was going to take him out of his baby groups for a few weeks so hopefully he wouldn't catch anything and we can have a nice Christmas etc. I know he can catch something anywhere but we've not been to many places and he used to catch a lot from those groups.
Okay... fast forward to now , he's been up all night with a temp and not very well. He's clearly caught it off my partners niece. Im upset and annoyed because this could mean he's not well for Christmas either. Am I being unreasonable for being absolutely fuming at my partners family?

No, why did you let them in? You made the decision and it was clearly the wrong one. I don't think catching everything builds up immunity, I think that's the given line but we have to protect them as best we can rather than being ceaselessly sick...

B1993 · 21/12/2022 14:42

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 13:29

Not every teacher will have caught every ailment from a student.

Unless you think the colleagues working while poorly have some kind of magic germ force field?

Show quote history

Obviously not 🙄 But that's irrelevant to your original point that school staff should stay home to strop transmission of illness... ok, but what about all the children circulating the germs (who, as we all know, pass things on incredibly well!!!)?

Point is, you're living in la la land if you think, in a school environment, that colds/ coughs/ covid/ other illnesses (that, by law, don't require time off) will stop circulating through staff staying at home. As I said before, all the kids would have to stay home for a start, which realistically isn't going to happen. So the rest of us battle through and keep the word turning rather than crying 'woe is me, I need a day off' for a bit of a sniffle. 🤷🏻‍♀️

B1993 · 21/12/2022 14:44

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 13:33

Oh and I swore ONCE in reference to a colleague in my original response to the OP.

So do stop clutching your pearls!

Clutching my pearls?! 🤣 picking you up on your poor online attitude towards others... you're continuing to prove my point here. 🙃

FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2022 17:18

But that's irrelevant to your original point that school staff should stay home to strop transmission of illness...

Please do point out where I said that?

My poor online attitude? I responded to the OP and referenced my own situation/example.

You and another poster took offence (raw nerve?) and piled on me Confused

B1993 · 21/12/2022 17:51

@FrangipaniBlue, I take no issue with what you said to OP. I was responding only to YOUR post to ME... so who piled on who?

No raw nerves here, but you made irrelevant comments without thinking about the setting you were commenting about or the wider picture in general and make assumptions about people; you called your colleague a dick and implied whatever about me.

While I don't like the frame that's been cases here, I won't sit back when you quote my post (and others on here) and make judgements 🤷🏻‍♀️

B1993 · 21/12/2022 17:54

@FrangipaniBlue, please explain to me what you meant here:
Imagine if the first person to come into work with the illness had just stayed away and the other 50% then hadn't caught it and been sick and had to "battle through"? Wow. What a world that would be!
If not that I'll staff should not be in work to infect others and should stay home... 🤦🏻‍♀️

So, yes, I stand by this comment:
But that's irrelevant to your original point that school staff should stay home to stop transmission of illness...

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