A couple decades on it's a bit hard to remember, which may be for the best. The main things I recall wanting - to finish school, get as far away from my abusive family as possible, to find love, understanding and peace - those were great ideals I still standby, but I made many reckless choices - and dodged many bullets - on the road to get there. I didn't really have a dream job or person though I was unknowingly chatting with my future husband at the time. I didn't much in the way of specifics at the time, I just had this ticking clock - what little support I had was soon to end - and desire to find the road out.
I wasn't really left to grow up, I feel I had to do it on speedrun to survive. I am glad that the therapy I had was skills-based and actively challenged my perception. At 16, I'd been in therapy for years - I was lucky to have some in school and local community groups without my family needing to be involved. I had very bad episodes of depression and gender dysphoria and absolute recklessness, this was diagnosed as part of my trauma response - it was trying to protect me in a world I'd learned in very hard ways I wasn't safe in. This apparently also explains my weak autobiographical memory - I've some memories that oddly just stop midconversation.
Identity was part of that, it was part of a 'truth' or that peace I was looking for, I have - not sure if it's natural or from the environment that spouted a lot about this - an inclination towards wanting a solid constant truth - in identity, in religion, in worldview. At 16, I was so sure 'the truth was out there, I just had to find it and once I did, I'd be a 'good person'. I've had to work to accept uncertainty. In my 20s I had a major issue with falling into social groups around ideologies which was awful. I'm glad I had people who cared and could challenge me beyond my adherence to the party line. I now have a boundary of not identifying with any ideology - I can work with people for a cause, but I don't need to define myself by it, don't even need to view myself as good - and really doing away with the concept of innate identity entirely. Reading some of Hume's and similar writings on distinctness vs identity, that while being a distinct individual I am also an ever changing multitude that I can work to get into an alignment but not static, has brought me a lot of peace. I still occasionally get episodes where my body or being perceived as female feels alien and threatening, but they're much fewer and far between and the gender related care I had played a part in that. I'm glad I had that when it was about skills to cope and looking into potential causes rather than validation. I didn't need it affirmed that it would be better for me to be a boy, I'd heard that all my life, I needed it affirmed that whether it was a in-born or a natural response for having abusers use my sex against me, that I could work to live contently.
dolor You're aware that there are transgender and other gender diverse people who aren't in favour of Scotland's approach? The most nonsense came from the recent BBC article with trying to argue that gender identity shouldn't be a matter for the state, but wanting the state and state documents to be altered to verify and validate it. I actually don't want the state to be involved in my gender dysphoria or gender presentation, and so I don't actually want it on my paperwork. The respect I get will be from other people in my life, not papers. Yeah, it's a bit awkward having my birth certificate name that I never used and my current passport name on my naturalization certificate a process I was required to consent to background checks and show evidence of adhering to the law and have my biometric information taken and tested and may to process all that to get those additional rights and responsibilities & change my legal status and my DBS is a bit longer than most as I've had more than usual amount of legally used names, but erasing those would be to lie and make a mockery of the safeguarding protections that document is meant to help with.