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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can be too present for kids

43 replies

Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 15:38

I have made it my intention to be at home with my children until they are 3 and 4 and start pre school and nursery.

They both have rather placid and confident natures however I have noticed other kids being a bit rough and domineering with them at times. My lo's don't react but sometimes I see a little pang of sadness and confusion in their eyes. I know that's life, especially in the toddler world.

Do you think being totally there for them can perhaps shelter them a bit or is it more of an innate temperament that ditermines these kind of things ie the way the relate and behave with others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 15:39

Pre school and just reception that should say not nursery

OP posts:
Blocked · 20/12/2022 15:40

Don't worry! The minute your backs turned it'll be your two domineering others and being rough with them, and other people's children with a hint of melancholy in their eyes Xmas Grin

MolliciousIntent · 20/12/2022 15:41

It depends what you mean by being totally there for them, IMO.

GoingtotheWinchester · 20/12/2022 15:41

My kids are both lovely and I wasn’t present for them - it is possible to bring up decent kids without being with them all the time 😄.

Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 15:42

@MolliciousIntent well just being with them all the time at playdates, playgroups, all family time. Would time away from me toughen them up a bit. Not that I want that I love who they are but I wonder if I am setting them up for a fall when school starts

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 20/12/2022 15:44

Do they get a chance to play with other kids at playgroups, playparks, soft play etc? They pick up up a lot of these skills there. Also with two of them they get practice at home.

PuttingDownRoots · 20/12/2022 15:45

I think you can be too over present when they approach pre teen age (older primary school) but as toddlers, having reassurance is beneficial.

GreenManalishi · 20/12/2022 15:46

I don't think you need to toughen your kids up, life will do a very good job of that. Be there for them.

MolliciousIntent · 20/12/2022 15:47

Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 15:42

@MolliciousIntent well just being with them all the time at playdates, playgroups, all family time. Would time away from me toughen them up a bit. Not that I want that I love who they are but I wonder if I am setting them up for a fall when school starts

Are they ever away from you? If not, they'll find school very upsetting for the first few weeks, more likely than not.

Do they follow instructions from people other than you? Understand taking turns, listen, share etc? Can they dress/undress themselves? These are the things they need to be able to do by school, and often kids who aren't at nursery are behind in these respects.

Fairyliz · 20/12/2022 15:47

Before I had children I thought what I did/didn’t do would ‘shape’ my children.
Oh how I look back and laugh.

I’m in my 60’s now and my children are adults. They came out with a personality and nothing I have done has really changed that. This also applies to my friends children that I have seen grow up.
My advice would be to try not to stress about anything, what will be will be.

DashboardConfessional · 20/12/2022 15:48

It was a concern of mine so DS does 3 days a week at preschool. He's an only child so I wanted him to be used to interacting with children away from me before school starts.

However I think it's a shock whatever they are used to as there's always a supervising adult at preschool whereas playtime at primary is a bit dog-eat-dog!

whattodo1975 · 20/12/2022 15:51

I think toughen up is the wrong phrase, they are probably just a bit sheltered.

As much as playdates are great for kids, it is you putting them next to a kid and saying "go on play then" and if any issues they no instantly you will be on hand to solve.

In a nursery type setting they find the other kids like best themselves, interact more in a way they chose, rather than being led by you.

RunLolaRun102 · 20/12/2022 16:20

DS is 3. He doesn’t yet care about what others think of him or how they act around him. If a child is rough with him he loves it & views it as permission to beat them up & as he’s tall and strong he can get the upperhand on much older kids. Thing is he never does that when I’m there (or at nursery) because he knows I’ll stop him; but put him in a room alone with his cousin and he will start suplexing lol

Prinnny · 20/12/2022 16:24

Sounds more like lack of socialisation rather than being ‘too present’.

Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 16:28

@Prinnny this is one of my fears yes. We do groups daily Monday to Friday and have at least 1 or 2 playdates one on one a week. My DCs also have each other. Is that not enough you think?

OP posts:
Overthebow · 20/12/2022 16:33

It would be good for them to have some time away from you. Could they go to nursery for a couple of sessions a week? It will be especially hard on the older DC going straight into reception without having even gone to preschool.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 16:36

As long as they spend plenty of time around other children they'll be fine. Having a stron, loving bond with parents makes kids more resilient not less. As long as you don't swoop in to solve evey minor problem and conflict for them having you available when they need you will mean they're more willing to venture out into the world.

Endlesslaundry123 · 20/12/2022 16:37

I think the innate confidence and self worth you are building in them will be extremely valuable to them as they navigate the complex social world. The fact that they aren't "tough" yet is testament to the fact that they haven't had to be, but they'll soon learn new social skills to navigate these situations, and in the meantime their safe and secure relationship with you will be an important foundation for them.

Baconand · 20/12/2022 16:39

My DD goes to nursery 4 long days since 13 months. She is very confident but sensitive and behaves exactly as yours do @Frostysnowlady so I don’t think “being present” is anything to do with it.

Although I’d argue that a SAHM isn’t likely able to focus 100% of their attention on two children 7 days a week with chores included in to the day, whereas for the 3 days I am home DD is centre and spent almost entirely together (only child). So it actually likely evens out somewhat.

Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 17:04

@Baconand thats good to know and a helpful insight. I agree I'm not present 247 more physically in the vicinity I guess. Thanks for sharing.

OP posts:
Prinnny · 20/12/2022 17:30

Frostysnowlady · 20/12/2022 16:28

@Prinnny this is one of my fears yes. We do groups daily Monday to Friday and have at least 1 or 2 playdates one on one a week. My DCs also have each other. Is that not enough you think?

No that should be plenty exposure! If they’re going off on their own at these groups and navigating toddler world without you managing their every mood I wouldn’t worry!

Innachu · 05/03/2023 18:43

I think it’s temperament.. I have been glued to DS and trying to be as responsive I could and kind of overdoing it perhaps. Attachment parenting overdrive… Hovering over him for anything he might want or need and he is rather strong willed, demanding and I’m afraid pretty pushy.. while we are both introverted and timid ourselves 🤷‍♀️

LilCat · 05/03/2023 18:58

I think it's temperament too but I will say it can and does change at primary and then again in secondary school. My observation of children who went to nursery very early and full time is that they were less clingy to parent, brash and snatchy with other children and confident with stranger adults but it all levelled out by year 1.

thismamayogi · 06/03/2023 04:50

I am a SAHM and home educate and have five kids age 14-baby. So my opinion will
be biased because this is what I do and believe in. However I do find it sad how we are encouraged to value “toughening up” over the sensitivity of feeling things and the gift of giving our kids our time and attention. Personally I think presence with your kids trumps most other things. They will grow up fast and have the rest of their lives for the world to tarnish their experience of human interactions. I fail to understand why we believe treating our kids with distance or letting them feel pain and disappointment at home to prepare them for the world are positive ways to do things. I know lots will disagree and I am not looking for an argument - I’m just encouraging rounded thinking. I think it is sad when we have been socially adjusted to let things happen to our kids that will upset then a bit so that they will learn to hide their admirable human feelings or become occasional bullies in order to “survive”. I have come across many adults who I reckon could have done with more acceptance of not being “tough” when they were younger. Inc my DH! 🤣
point is values and the value of fully accepting who and where your child is.
I always take it as quite a positive if my child finds another’s overbearing behaviour problematic. They are switched on to themselves and sensitive to others. Fantastic attributes. And before anyone wonders how they will “cope in the world” - well, I reckon a lot needs to change. And you gotta start somewhere. I don’t exactly want my kids to “fit in”.
i want them to have the strength to be themselves. And I have found that pouring love and acceptance and presence in now, as much as you are able, simply produces resilience. It’s like a shield they carry. Doesn’t mean they don’t get hurt or have those downy faces in the presence of others who bother them, but I have seen them reviver very quickly, or learn how to avoid those they may be finding “toxic”.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2023 05:03

I see a little pang of sadness and confusion in their eyes.

I think you are projecting here. Well, massively.

Set them free! Will do them good to mix in playgroups etc. Let them be a bit boisterous!

I'm not even sure what 'being present' means. Being in the same room? Next to them?