To think you can be too present for kids

[Frostysnowlady]

I have made it my intention to be at home with my children until they are 3 and 4 and start pre school and nursery.

They both have rather placid and confident natures however I have noticed other kids being a bit rough and domineering with them at times. My lo's don't react but sometimes I see a little pang of sadness and confusion in their eyes. I know that's life, especially in the toddler world.

Do you think being totally there for them can perhaps shelter them a bit or is it more of an innate temperament that ditermines these kind of things ie the way the relate and behave with others.

I sent mine off to nursery at 9 months, she’s the kindest little girl and I see that sadness sometimes when she’s playing and someone snatches/pushes or doesn’t want to play.

I’ve also seen her kick her brother in the face for watching the iPad over her shoulder.

Kids are kids - Love them, Feed them, Water them.

This.

I know what you mean OP, I'm a SAHM to a 19m. He's very sweet, happy and not aggressive (like some of his friends), and I was wondering if he needed to be "tougher" and it was my fault being with him most of the time. I think as long as your children are socialing with other children that is fine, and they are lucky to have you around so much. Think about what you're asking, essentially should they have more shitty experiences to make them tough. Instinct should tell you no. They will be fine 🙂

I'm a SAHM and sadly my kid can be aggressive with younger ones, I'm watching her every move at soft play etc as she is going through a pushing phase. I've done gentle parenting and stayed home with her minus when she goes to preschool. It's definitely temperament and personality. But all developmentally appropriate unfortunately.

@thismamayogi beautifully put

Sounds like temprement which you can’t chance. I do think small and increasing time away from parent (with grandparents, half day at nursery) is helpful in the build up to pre school and school. Get them used to it early

All children are different, nurture I feel is maybe 20%, nature the remaining 80% (in a typical living household)

I have 2 dc, one was a shy quiet type, when younger, now in her teenage years is confident and outgoing. The other was rough and tumble, loud and could be aggressive, she's a home bird now, prefers animals to people and is quiet and introverted.

I agree with this. I worked part time so my kids did both nursery and play dates/play groups on their days off with me. It has always been very obvious that the type of friendships they have at nursery were different to the playing alongside each other stuff at playgroup.

I took DS1 to the same playgroup weekly for 3 years, at the end of it, he knew two children's names, he is 6 now and still talks about his nursery friends.

It's just different being in a setting on your own with a load of preschoolers to going to a group with your mum.

But equally that doesn't make it better, it's just different and your kids are getting great time with you

I think being emotionally present is important, but that means to your own feelings first and then your children’s. So e.g. if you’re feeling like you need some space from them or you need to get on with a housework task, you acknowledge that need in yourself and encourage them to have some time playing alone so you can do what you need to do. You’re still physically present in the house but you’re teaching them that everyone is an individual with their own feelings/needs and that they’ll be okay feeling bored/lost for a minute while they figure out what they want to do without you. You can acknowledge any feelings that come up for them and reassure them that they’ll be okay but over time they’ll learn to do that for themselves.

If being present to you means always rescuing them from their feelings and being there for them every moment, providing activities and entertainment all the time, then that’s a smothering presence and they won’t develop any resilience or emotional awareness which will leave them vulnerable when they’re out at nursery/school etc. And you’ll likely feel smothered/annoyed by that too deep down. So it’s really about paying close attention to your feelings to work out what’s really going on in your household and how you might want to adjust.

The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali Tsbary is good on this kind of stuff.

I don’t think you need to worry, I send my 15 month old for 2 days a week to a childminder which is a family friend and I wouldn’t do it any other way because I feel confident and I also know she’s learning how to socialise and be around other children and it massively helps my mental health for those 2 days. So if your children is still getting socialisation which they are I really wouldn’t worry. It’s not a bad thing that they aren’t like that and they’ll learn how to be like it or learn how to deal with it better as they grow!

I've seen the long term effects of these choices on my DCs.

The one who had full time (m-f 8-6) nursery from 13 months had great social skills, excelled at school no mental health issues and is a well functioning adult. They are much more mature than their peers.

The one who had p/t childminder from 4 months then p/t nursery from 3 has good social skills and stable mental health but lacks some confidence and can be a bit of a pushover. They aren't quite as resilient and less willing to be a leader/ do new things. Eg more wary of public transport on own. They are much like their peers.

The one who had 1:1 SAHP until p/t nursery at 3 is very behind socially. They don't want to play on own at soft play etc. can't do simple tasks on own eg paying at a shop, making snacks for themselves. They are very dependent and behind peers in social and emotional development.

I will be encouraging them when they become parents themselves to learn from these experiences and make appropriate choices.

Yes!! My point

absolutely agree with this. There is only so much you can do as parents!

💖 I do find it sad that a mama who loves being with her kids is wondering if she should withdraw the obviousness of her move and support a bit in order to teach them to “cope”. What a world.

I treasure every second.

love

Please don’t worry- you sound like you are doing a great job and getting your kids out and about with other people plenty. I do think ‘nature’ has a lot to do with personality/confidence etc …’nurture’ obviously plays a part too- which you are doing. My children went to nursery on the days I worked and are now as young teenagers completely different in their social confidence levels despite ‘same’ early years experiences …

It's normal for them to be upset if other kids are rough with them and doesn't mean you haven't toughened them up IMO.

That's just a complete falsehood of how security and self confidence is developed. They get good at that stuff by you being there for them.

I'm with @Fairyliz - I think the mechanics of what you do (SAH parents vs five-day nursery etc) makes absolutely bugger all difference to this in the long run. I stayed at home with my two and we didn't do loads of socialising (I'm lazy and quite introverted!) and neither of mine went to nursery at all - reception was the first time either of mine had left my side, essentially. Both settled in absolutely fine. My oldest is now 20 and approaches life like a slightly cautious cat but has a few well chosen strong friendships and knows exactly what he wants out of life. My younger one is 18, amazingly sociable, makes friends at the drop of a hat. Neither is any sort of pushover.

They've been chalk and cheese in their social approaches since infanthood - DS1 has always been a bit of a homebody, DS2 always wants to be facing the world (literally - as a baby he used to yell when he was put in the sling because he wanted to be in the pram, DS1 was the opposite!)

Do what makes you happy (and what you can afford). So long as you love them and are emotionally available to them when they need you, they will be absolutely fine.

But that doesn't prove anything. All it shows is that you have three children who went to different forms of childcare and who now have different personalities.

There's no evidence that any of their confidence (or lack of) is down to nursery.