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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NYE break and ex

42 replies

scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 12:47

Hi all,

Just looking for advice/opinions on this as I am not sure if I'm in the wrong.

DD is 4. Ex and I split when she was 2 months old.

Since then he has seen her every weekend both days.

He is, in my opinion very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. He sees her at my house as I do not trust him. Very long story.

He has no respect for me or my home. Loading the coffee table up with rubbish instead of putting in in the bin, not cleaning drinks up off the floor when DD has spilled them.

He is verbally abusive to me in front of our daughter, calling me a slob, a witch, evil cow etc.

I have included him in everything. Every holiday, birthday, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Bonfire night you name it.

I asked him in August if he would like to book a short break for NYE to the new forest as we have been there before but not around Christmas.

I must have asked him about 6 times over the course of 2 months. First of all he was saying he would have a look nearer the time. Then said that he didn't see why we needed to stay in certain accommodation just because I have a dog. So i asked a few more times and gave up.

Anyway, last week I decided sod him, I will book it for myself and dd and dog.

When I told him he hit the roof. Saying I should have checked with him first in case he wanted to see her. Bearing in mind previous NYE's he goes out with mates as he sees that as a better offer.

I told him I had asked him numerous times and he kept brushing me off. After I booked it I gave him the opportunity again, then he said that he couldn't bare to share a room with me (separate beds obviously) even though we always have previously and he would think about booked alt accommodation about 7 miles away???? Again nothing came of it so I assumed he wasn't going.

My best friend and her dd popped over yesterday and I mentioned it to her. She then decided to come as we thought it would be nice. Her and my ex do not get on at all.

So she booked a room.

I told my ex and he hit the roof. Saying that I should have asked him AGAIN first and called my friend all the names under the sun.

He is now insisting he is definitely going also and my anxiety is through the roof!!!!

OP posts:
quokka5 · 20/12/2022 12:54

YANBU. You don't have to tolerate the abuse. Keep a diary of his behaviour and seek support and legal advice.

OldEvilOwl · 20/12/2022 12:57

Stop including him in anything - he doesn't deserve it

Fudgemaker · 20/12/2022 13:07

Why on earth did you invite him to go away?! Tell him a very firm NO and stick to it, refuse to discuss it further. You need to cut ties down to just essential communication about your child. You really need to be strong for yourself. Enjoy your weekend with your friend and make new year resolutions on distancing yourself from your ex and his abuse

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 13:11

He won't NOT be included. He even had the brass neck to ask me on the weekend if he could sleep on the sofa at my house on Christmas Eve so he could get to see her open all her presents earlier in the morning. That way, he could have a drink in the evening and also not have to get up and drive to mine super earlier. I live 10/15 mins away if that. I bet he is expecting Christmas dinner too like he usually gets me to do out of guilt.

He also kicked off last weekend because friend and I booked a Christmas light show for Sunday evening. When I told him we had booked it the day after he went mad saying that is his day to see her and I should have checked with him first. Even though I said he could still see her in the day before we left.

It's exhausting. I hate doing anything with him now as he has so much resentment and contempt for me he either ignores me completely or gives on word answers and always has a face like a smacked arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 13:13

Fudgemaker · 20/12/2022 13:07

Why on earth did you invite him to go away?! Tell him a very firm NO and stick to it, refuse to discuss it further. You need to cut ties down to just essential communication about your child. You really need to be strong for yourself. Enjoy your weekend with your friend and make new year resolutions on distancing yourself from your ex and his abuse

Because it's sort of a tradition or was until last year when he was a total dick so we went nowhere.

Plus my dog is very hard work and when dd was younger it would have been near impossible for me to take her anywhere alone.

It is almost like I have to ask permission now before being about to take the initiative and do something or book something I want to do.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 20/12/2022 13:15

Just stop including him in everything. If you feel you must be responds by xx date and if he doesn’t then the assumption is he is not interested you crack on

he stops seeing the child at your house

he is still controlling you, it’s abuse, no example to your child and only you can stop it

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 13:16

At Easter just gone I booked to take DD to a farm on a weekday as she was only in nursery 2 days a week. Even when I told him about that he was a bit funny saying he wouldn't be able to go as he would be in work.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 13:18

I am unsure if he is capable of looking after her away from me. She won't allow him to bath her (nothing dodgy) and he doesn't even feed her.

I popped to the shops last weekend and left him here. He text after I was gone about an hour asking how long I was going to be be because she was hungry!!!

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 20/12/2022 13:21

I think there's bigger issues at play here - why is he such a big part of your life still? Attending at Christmas and other events through the year is really not healthy for either you or your daughter - she's going to grow up thinking this kind of relationship (including the verbal abuse) is normal.

If he wants to do things for Halloween, Easter, Christmas etc then he needs to get off his backside and do them. I will ask though, is there a particular concern you have around how he treats your daughter as to why he has to come to yours to see her? If not, I'd cut that out right away as you've basically not cut your ties with him and are simply feeding his belief that he can get away with treating you like shit. Obviously if there are concerns then that's different but I still think the setup needs to change and maybe supervised visits would be more appropriate but that may need some form of court order (sorry, not sure how that works!).

As for new years eve, he's a bellend and has no right whatsoever to attend everything you do with your child and if he stepped up, he'd take her away separately like a real dad (subject to if there are issues as I've asked above).

So nope, you're not being unreasonable but you need to cut some of the ties you have with him because this is a really unhealthy setup for everyone involved.

Googlecanthelpme · 20/12/2022 13:26

Whilst in some ways I admire your dedication to attempt to keep him heavily involved and to co parent to some extent, I think you’ve probably reached the end of the road with this current set up.

i would say that you need an agreed contact arrangement in place for certain days and times however the fact you don’t want him to take DC away from your house because you “don’t trust him” suggests that you wouldn’t really want a contact order in place?

what do you not trust? Do you have safeguarding issues? Is there a reason why he can’t parent alone?

I don’t think you can have it both ways, if you insist on controlling his access to her and also allowing him into your house and to tag along to all of your planned events, holidays etc then you’re going to struggle to put firm boundaries in place with him.

He doesn’t sound a reasonable decent person therefore you’re wasting your time trying to appeal to any sensible or rational side of him.

if I were you I’d be pushing for a fully drawn up contact order where he sees his daughter outside of your house and stop facilitating his participation in everything. You may think it’s nice for your daughter but it’s actually going to be incredibly confusing for her as she gets older and she’s also going to be witnessing this toxic dynamic and start to think it’s normal to be spoken to like shit by a man.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 20/12/2022 13:27

Why do you want your dd so much around him? Your dd needs your mh to be good. Not allowing yourself to he bullied... He is an ex. Keep him at arms length. And out of your home.
And enjoy the trip with your friend.

Nevermind31 · 20/12/2022 13:27

Set contact days - he can sort out activities in his time. If you have concerns about her safety it should be supervised contact only - at a contact centre.
stop doing things as a family - you are enabling him - he doesn’t need to do anything for his child because you are.
split weekends.
good luck, you don’t have to dance to his whistle anymore

chipsandpeas · 20/12/2022 13:30

why the fuck are you giving him so much control, stop telling him things and stop including him in stuff he doesnt need to be involved in
if he wants to do these things then let him arrange them on his time and on his money

SometimesMaybe · 20/12/2022 13:30

Why are you present during his contact time and why is it taking place in your house?
come on, let’s set some ground rules, from January she will be available for contact every other weekend. Initially for during the day 9-5 and then if that progresses well to overnight. offer that and if he doesn’t take it the. It’s his loss but make 2023 about your daughter and what is right for her because the current situation is not a good one for her to be in.

Minikievs · 20/12/2022 13:32

Your abusive ex spends every weekend in your house, abusing you? And doesn't even feed your daughter?

You are still in an abusive relationship. You need to split up from him. Again.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 13:32

I don't trust him because there were a lot of things that happened when dd was a baby and a toddler. He doesn't feed her, brush her teeth. She won't allow him in the bathroom when shes in the bath and insists he stays downstairs.

He's a drip who doesn't have his wits about him, especially when she's near the road.

He has threatened to take me to court on numerous occasions when I have mentioned him seeing her every other weekend when she starts school because I need quality time with her too. He thinks he should have every weekend because I see her after school.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 13:34

He has said also that if I am going to take her away on breaks without him then he will take her too. There is no way that she would be away from me overnight at the moment so it would be unfair on her.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 20/12/2022 14:07

Let him take you to court. Honestly, the chances of him getting anything more than EOW and a weekday night are so slim they’re virtually non-existent.

Is be paying child maintenance, btw, or has he bullied you out of applying? Unfortunately, I’d put money on it. If so, put an application in today.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 14:14

I put in an application for CMS in May 2019 after he wouldn't pay a set amount and wanted me to add up the receipts of everything each month and he would pay half. He then offered 100 a month. I still haven't heard the last of the fact that I went down that route.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 14:16

Turns out he had to pay 250 per month. He hated it.

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 20/12/2022 14:44

Back away op. Cms. Eow. Stop pandering to him. Your dd needs to see you in her corner... Are offering her up to pacify him or is he a good df? You need to ask yourself this seriously!

MadMadMadamMim · 20/12/2022 14:51

This is a ridiculous situation. You split up when she was 2 month old - except you didn't.

He's still in your home every weekend, every holiday, complaining, abusing you, demanding you pander to his every need. He's supposed to be an EX. He doesn't get to criticise you, control you or dump crap all over your house. He doesn't get to cross the threshold.

I agree with all the others saying you absolutely need to re-draw your boundaries immediately. Tell him that thanks to his constant unpleasant behaviour he is no longer welcome in your home and you will communicate via email over when/where he can have contact with your child. Don't get into a discussion. Simply tell him this is how it's going to be. He is welcome to go to court if he likes. But no court in the land is going to enable him to enter your home again, or go on holiday with you without your permission.

LadyDanburysHat · 20/12/2022 14:53

MadMadMadamMim · 20/12/2022 14:51

This is a ridiculous situation. You split up when she was 2 month old - except you didn't.

He's still in your home every weekend, every holiday, complaining, abusing you, demanding you pander to his every need. He's supposed to be an EX. He doesn't get to criticise you, control you or dump crap all over your house. He doesn't get to cross the threshold.

I agree with all the others saying you absolutely need to re-draw your boundaries immediately. Tell him that thanks to his constant unpleasant behaviour he is no longer welcome in your home and you will communicate via email over when/where he can have contact with your child. Don't get into a discussion. Simply tell him this is how it's going to be. He is welcome to go to court if he likes. But no court in the land is going to enable him to enter your home again, or go on holiday with you without your permission.

Please read this. You need to change the way you deal with him massively.

Lkydfju · 20/12/2022 14:55

Really you need to stop enabling this behaviour; you don’t need to include him in things and you don’t even need to tell him that you’re going to them. it doesn’t sound like a nice environment for your DD.

Poppyblush · 20/12/2022 14:57

Seriously, you need to grow some balls and let him take you to court and stop him from seeing dd every weekend at your house, this is ridiculous. Sending really mixed messages to your DD also. phone the venue where you’re going on New Year’s Eve and say that your ex is abusive and trying to book somewhere and they cannot accept a booking from him. Keep a diary of everything. New year, new beginning!