Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

NYE break and ex

42 replies

scorpiogirly · 20/12/2022 12:47

Hi all,

Just looking for advice/opinions on this as I am not sure if I'm in the wrong.

DD is 4. Ex and I split when she was 2 months old.

Since then he has seen her every weekend both days.

He is, in my opinion very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. He sees her at my house as I do not trust him. Very long story.

He has no respect for me or my home. Loading the coffee table up with rubbish instead of putting in in the bin, not cleaning drinks up off the floor when DD has spilled them.

He is verbally abusive to me in front of our daughter, calling me a slob, a witch, evil cow etc.

I have included him in everything. Every holiday, birthday, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Bonfire night you name it.

I asked him in August if he would like to book a short break for NYE to the new forest as we have been there before but not around Christmas.

I must have asked him about 6 times over the course of 2 months. First of all he was saying he would have a look nearer the time. Then said that he didn't see why we needed to stay in certain accommodation just because I have a dog. So i asked a few more times and gave up.

Anyway, last week I decided sod him, I will book it for myself and dd and dog.

When I told him he hit the roof. Saying I should have checked with him first in case he wanted to see her. Bearing in mind previous NYE's he goes out with mates as he sees that as a better offer.

I told him I had asked him numerous times and he kept brushing me off. After I booked it I gave him the opportunity again, then he said that he couldn't bare to share a room with me (separate beds obviously) even though we always have previously and he would think about booked alt accommodation about 7 miles away???? Again nothing came of it so I assumed he wasn't going.

My best friend and her dd popped over yesterday and I mentioned it to her. She then decided to come as we thought it would be nice. Her and my ex do not get on at all.

So she booked a room.

I told my ex and he hit the roof. Saying that I should have asked him AGAIN first and called my friend all the names under the sun.

He is now insisting he is definitely going also and my anxiety is through the roof!!!!

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 20/12/2022 15:03

Unless you want to remain in this situation for many years to come, you need to end it. He is your ex and has been for years, yet he spends every weekend in your house being verbally abusive towards you and disrespecting your home, in front of your daughter.

You plan holidays around him, and include him in family events, yet he still cannot show you respect as the mother of his child, so as far as I'm concerned he deserves none of yours.

You need to get some structure in place and stop letting him walk all over you, he's controlling you as your daughter is watching.

Set up a contact order,

He has threatened to take me to court on numerous occasions

..... let him. You are going to need to draw some boundaries and stick to them, and court might do you a favour in creating the structure that you need. He won't suddently start to toe the line of his own accord and his behaviour is likely to get worse rather than better. While he can take the p*ss, he will continue to do so.

I know it's hard to predict what will happen, and you fear things being worse, but I'm sure that once you stop making it easy for him, he won't make the effort he would need to in order to keep up his every weekend access. Stand firm, your girl needs you to show her how it's done.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 20/12/2022 15:04

He is your ex, you need to stop involving him in your life! Stop inviting him on trips away, stop inviting him on days out, stop inviting him into your home! All you are doing now is giving your DD a very confusing message about your relationship and what co-parenting is.
Set a routine for access. Let him take your DD out for a day trip instead of spending the day in your home. She might not want to stay over at his for the weekend but he can have her for a day trip followed by a meal and bring her back home. You/she needs to build up to sleeping over. He could have one day every weekend and when she's ready switch it to sleepover every other weekend. Add in an evening after school during the week.
None of that should happen in your home. He doesn't need to know what plans you have the rest of the time.

MRSDoos · 20/12/2022 15:05

Am I right in assuming that your scared of him in a way? It sounds like you’re pandering to him and trying to keep the peace as much as you can despite him being abusive. It’s not about you growing balls or telling him to do one, it’s not as easy as that because he’s mentally abusing isn’t he. It sounds like you broke up when DD was 2 months old but you’re still in this weird sort of not a relationship but maybe including him too much out of fear of upsetting him or maybe just letting him in your life too much.

I think that you need to try and get some help from his emotional abuse and see if anyone else can be around instead of you when he is with your DD. You’re never going to be able to move on or have a life if this continues. I think perhaps you need to go to court about this if needed.

I hope you can find the strength to break this toxic cycle x

Blinkingheckythump · 20/12/2022 15:08

Dear lord. Grow a back bone and kick your 'ex' out. He needs to be a proper coparent and have his daughter every other weekend. You enable his behaviour by having him at yours like another child

liarliarshortsonfire · 20/12/2022 15:12

Email him: tell him (not ask)

He's no longer welcome in your house
He can see dd eow starting on x day. He collects her on Friday at 5pm and returns her on Sunday at 5pm. If he doesn't turn up on time he forfeits that weekend and you won't answer the door
No more holidays
If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court
You are blocking his number and he can use email to communicate with you GOING FORWARD

If he turns up and kicks off, ring the police EACH AND EVERY TIME

Hellno44 · 20/12/2022 15:14

Your "arrangement" with your ex isn't working. Its totally unsustainable and you literally have no boundaries. It needs to change. You need a fixed contact agreement. He needs to care for DD on his own. In his own accommodation. He needs to meet her basic needs. If you don't change it your doing your child a disservice. He needs to learn how to look after her and have a relationship with him away from you. She also doesn't need to see all the toxic nonsense.

PaterPower · 20/12/2022 15:16

So he owes you maintenance back from 2019 through to now?

Did you not go back to them and tell them he wasn’t paying you it? They can garnish his earnings if he doesn’t pay. It’ll cost you a little if what you should otherwise get, as they deduct a percentage, but it’ll cost him even more.

Tell him to take you to court for access that amounts to anything more than EOW and a weekday evening. And tell him at the same time to pay up on what he owes and to make regular payments.

Have the CMS reassessed him since 2019? If his wages have gone up then he’ll be due to pay a higher monthly amount.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2022 15:22

Is this man's name on the child's birth cert?

Is the visitation agreement court ordered?

Or is the visitation agreement informal?

If the agreement isn't court ordered then you are being extremely unreasonable in continuing to facilitate contact between your child and this man who abuses you in her presence and is not able to take even basic care of her.

The entire arrangement is harmful to your child and you need to pull up your big girl knickers and bring it to an end.

If it's court ordered then you need to install hidden security cameras in your home to document the abuse your child is witnessing and go back to court with a petition to end the contact.

If not court ordered then you need to install the cameras, document the weekly lack of any parenting skills and the abuse, and tell your ex the arrangement is over. Let the chips fall where they may. If needs be, call the police.

You need to stop exposing your child to this angry, incompetent man.

Yousee · 20/12/2022 15:26

This man is abusive and neglectful. You need to protect your daughter. Imagine how you'd feel if in 20 years time she allows a man to treat her the way her "dad" is treating you. I bet you'd be devastated. If it's not good enough for DD then it's not good enough for you.
You didn't actually split up in any meaningful sense. You need to split up now. Properly. He is poisoning your daughters childhood and she needs you to put a stop to it.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2022 15:26

As for his threats to take you to court - install the cameras, and make written notes to back up what the cameras reveal. Keep all of his texts and voice messages and emails.

If there are any threats to you, including thebthreat to take you to court if you fail to let him into your house every single weekend and include him in every holiday, then that comprises coercive control, which is a crime, and you need to report him to the police.

Let him take you to court, lol. He will get his arse handed to him on a plate.

Sartre · 20/12/2022 15:31

Really silly situation full stop, you’re far too accommodating and I don’t think many people have such a close relationship with their ex even if they split on good terms. You don’t have to chase him for answers or run absolutely everything past him, nor do you have to invite him on your trips away with DD.

You don’t like him very much, he’s a dickhead by the sound of things so I have no idea why you’re so keen to spend so much time with him. If you really don’t trust him with your DD alone then set up a contact centre through the court or get another third party to accompany them. He shouldn’t be in your house every weekend trashing it and speaking to you like you’re dog shit… Crazy you have put up with this for so long.

Also your DD will start to pick up on what is going on and think this is normal, she’s not a baby anymore. You don’t want her to grow up thinking women should roll over and accept men treating them like crap.

passionfruit3 · 20/12/2022 15:33

Are you joking, don't mean to sound mean at all. But like, he's your ex yet this is still an abusive relationship !!
He shouldn't even be in your house let alone making plans together. This is a recipe for complete disaster.
Cut him off, I would. I'd only contact him after he contacted me and that would be to see his child

FairyBatman · 20/12/2022 15:41

Tell him to take you to court.

Stop facilitating him. It's absolutely pathetic that he has never even fed her.

Tell him that from now on it's every other weekend and when it's his time he's responsible for everything, otherwise you've never got any free time, and never any quality time with her alone.

The one reservation with that would be that the bathroom thing sounds like a massive red flag, I've never heard of a 4 year old not allowing Dad to bathe them. Are you sure there's nothing more to it?

drspouse · 20/12/2022 15:44

I voted YABU because there is no need for him to see you EVER let alone go on holiday with you.

lamaze1 · 20/12/2022 16:06

You sound like a lovely mum that is going above and beyond to do what you think is right to facilitate your dd's relationship with your ex. However, I don't think you're helping your daughter long term because she is likely growing up thinking the dynamic you have is normal. I think that instead teaching your daughter not to be a pushover and not to allow herself to be badly treated/spoken to by a partner would set her up well for the future.

minmooch · 20/12/2022 17:25

Just stop this. I've never read anything more ridiculous in my life.

You are enabling this abusive man. He's abusive to you in front of your child - this is harming not only you but also your child and no court would allow this. Report him every time to the police.

Let him take you to court. I'd bet my house he won't have the balls to follow it through.

Stop him coming to your home. Stop inviting him away. Stop him staying over at your house.

If you are concerned he is unable to look after your child report it to Social Services so he cannot have unsupervised visits.

Protect your child. You are her advocate.

Littlepuddytat · 20/12/2022 17:31

Blimey why are you letting this man have so much control over you?! He's abusing you in front of your daughter. Why the fuck are you booking holidays with him?!?!

Flip

1 2