It's over.He's so angry with me yet he treated me like shit.

[vulnerableolefool]

AIBU here. I'm doubting myself and feeling vulnerable and lonely coming up to christmas. He hated when I pulled him up on shitty bahaviour and would then ignore me for days and sometimes weeks.He has manged to turn the whole thing around on me as I finshed it.He was all over me for the first year.He had never met anyone like me etc etc. Started copying my phrases, my words, my opinions.Showered me with gifts. Then he started to get shitty when I pulled him up on having hundreds of random females on sm. liking their posts eventhough he didnt know most of them in real life. He often stormed off.It was like he could not defend himself and cowered when questioned or challenged.He admitted he couldnt handle conflict and hated it. So now, I'm the worst witch because I finished with him.I finished with him as I got quite sick and needed help with my body, my kids and my home. Because we had had an argument about him not pulling his weight in my home and throwing his weight around, he basically ignored me and did not show up for me.He refused calls for days.He offered to come to my home to do practical jobs for a couple of hourst when I first got ill, but ultimately he let me down as he offered to do those jobs despite not speaking to me because I dared to assert my boundaries. Why is so angry with me now... He is playing the victim beautifully and I'm the worst person ever.Please give me some strength or words to remind me that I'm not going absolutely crazy because that's how I feel right now.Thank you.

You two are better off apart. You shouldn’t have “pulled him up” on his social media - he’s not a child and he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

However the rest of his behaviour sounds appalling.

You obviously don’t like each other. Ignore him and move on. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

He sounds awful, you deserve much better. Stay strong!

He just sounds textbook toxic tbh. You have done the right thing finishing it. I wouldnt be surprised if all those times he went AWOL for days/weeks at a time he was doing the dirty. Tends to be the MO with guys like this.

Agree with other comments OP - he sounds like someone you're well rid of and you were right to bin him off.

However - there's a learning for you here too because I think you massively overreacted to his social media use, liking posts means nothing in reality and shouldn't cause issues in a relationship. If he's DM'ing them then yeah I understand it a bit more but liking posts is harmless and is just the click of a button.

I pulled him up on his sm because he was adding very attractive and sexy random women from all over the world for no other reasons that their physical appearance.That's disrespecful in my world and not someone I'm happy to be in a relationship with.Is that not unreasonable? I certainly wouldn't do that to him or any man that I claimed to lve and be in an exclusive realtionship with.

Well he's definitely showing that you were right to end it. He doesn't sound nice at all.

Easier said than done, but ignore him. Don't rise to the bait and move on to better things.

He may well have been in contact with those women...who knows? His ego needed massive stroking.I can't imagine him sleeping with others though as he was so goddamn lazy in bed.

Again, he’s not a child. If you weren’t happy with his behaviour, you should have left then. Not try to tell him off and control him.

There’s nothing wrong with admiring other people. It doesn’t make your partner any less attractive. Whoever you end up with is going to find other people attractive whether you are aware of it or not.

These are quite classic traits in an abusive partner. The mirroring of your behaviour initially, the stonewalling when challenged, trying to rewrite the narrative to make you the bad guy (DARVO). It sounds like you’ve massively dodged a bullet and this is most definitely not a person who should be brought into your children's’ lives.

Contrary to PP, I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to be using social media to interact with (or passively ogle) hundreds of other women and you did nothing wrong in challenging that. However it was a waste of time to challenge him because a man who does that kind of thing is clearly not going to suddenly morph into a respectful partner whose values align with yours simply because you told him off. I would just ditch a guy who used SM in that way. That’s not the kind of man I’d want to spend time with.

I am a victim of DA and DV. OP I understand your response to his social media usage. People like him are very demanding about the standards they expect from and impose on their partner. You get in trouble for not obeying their unwritten "rules". You start spending your life trying to second guess what the "rules" are. It is mentally exhausting. I virtually gave up on social media because he'd make such a song and dance about me being attention seeking if I posted anything and he'd give me the silent treatment if I "liked" or commented on anything. I had to delete men he didn't approve of. It's hard to describe but it was insidious. In that context, he'd be freely posting (usually changing his profile picture and keeping track of the likes and comments) and he'd be "liking" posts of women he'd make clear he had some sort of history with and which were often quite racy (for want of a better word). I was made to change my Facebook status and he'd also make me frequently post about him. However on his SM there was no trace of me and his status remained single. Checking Facebook and insta was the first thing he did when he woke up and last thing he'd do before sleeping. It was the hypocrisy of it all that finally got to me and so, yes, I did complain and fuss. That's part of their MO. To make you appear unreasonable, jealous and demanding when they've straightjacketed you into behaving like that. And when you start standing up to the EA that's when the physical abuse starts.
Anyone who has not experienced this type of abuse will never fully understand the out of character reactions and behaviour it brings out in victims.
OP he's an abuser. Be glad you got out and block and grey rock him.

The mirroring was so weird...using all of these phrases that I use, taking my ideas, opinions and leanings as his own.Plus he seemed to have a kind of speech /language issue where he couldn't pronounce the words properly or used them in the wrong context.Very strange. He then began to engage with people the same way as I did. It's difficult to explain.He wanted to emulate my communication ways, if that makes sense. Regarding adding and liking photos of the sexy women, that's just not my scene and it's disrespectful to me but I know that many women have no problem with this.. He started to add/like new ones after unfriending hundreds of them, a few months later.

Another shitty abusive man. You are well rid.

And yy to the adding random women from abroad with whom he had no connection. The only intention there was to goad me into reacting. Which he could then use to gaslight me by saying how mad/unreasonable/controlling/jealous I was.
The memory of it is making me feel ill. OP I don't think your reaction was, in context, unreasonable. I can understand people in healthy relationships saying it was OTT but this is all about context.
There are many red flags 🚩 here. You've done the right thing.

Mirroring of values, interests, behaviour - typical start
Love bombing - typical start
Then comes the devaluing - the endless cycle of pushing you away (ignoring) then reeling you back in. You become so exhausted trying to work out what you've done wrong that you can't focus on how shit it is
Then the control - testing how far they can push you, imposing strict unwritten rules/standards that you have to second guess. Gaslighting you.
Then comes the violence.
What you describe is textbook. Run and don't look back.

Wow! So much info to process. He didnt care about my SM but there was no sign of me on his.Having said that he rarely posted.When I realised that his status was set to single, I questioned him as to why that was...as in, why had his status set to anything if he didnt want to make a point? Silence, stonewall, ignore, silent treatment, me chasing him for contact. He finally, months later changed his staus to relationship. Thinking back, he did accuse me a few times of being on my phone too much, having it on silent and being cagey.He used to TELL me in a bossy way to get off my phone even when he was otherwise engaged eg watching sport etc.

You are not crazy, he’s an abusive, gaslighting prick.

You know you deserve better OP and that this pathetic excuse for a man had no legitimate place in your life and future.

Stay strong and block him everywhere if you haven’t already.

I've blocked him on sm and it looks like he has set up anonymous/ false accounts to have a look at mine, so I've blocked those false accounts too. I dont seem to be able to block his email though for some reason. He is blocked everywhere else. Alos, it may be relevant that he rarely if ever complimented me on my physical appearance or my body. Never once told me that I was beautiful to him but regularly commented on women on tv or film stars. He always felt threatened if other men admired me or had a quick ( but very rare) glance in my direction.I'm no film star but still....He just didn't like it and wasn't keen on me being out too much without him and he always insisted on providing the transport.

I agree you were right to end it OP. Inability to handle conflict is a problem.

Surprised at those saying you shouldn't call out bad behaviour but just leave though. I'm sure there are scenarios where the behaviour is bad enough to warrant that but as a general rule? No. Call it out, give them the opportunity to address it and move on if they don't or won't.

He sounds toxic OP. Lots of red flag behaviour. He can stamp his feet all he likes now but you've made the right decision.

I find it hard to believe that he was this calculated. I could never have imagined him to ever be violent although he did say once, that a partenr had slapped him and he had to defend himself. Do you think he knew what he was doing , that it was intentional? I know that financially he would have a lot to gain from being with me long term, but I had decided that he was never going to be my live in partner while my kids were at home.He pushed that and asked to stay longer every visit but it didnt suit so that pissed him off...Maybe I wasnt that good of a catch when I wouldnt let him live with me etc. He is a shit father actually, if I'm to be honest as now I realise that it was the mothers of his kids that were' the problem' and never him.

The beautiful thing about ending a relationship is that you are no longer responsible for his happiness… in fact, you never were. If he wants to be hurt and miserable he can go do that somewhere out of your orbit. Nothing to do with you! Focus on your kids and yourself and put him firmly in the past. You’ve said it’s over so disengage, block him, ignore, don’t reply. You’re allowed to. It’s your life 💪👏🏻💐

The relationship is over. This sounds like it’s a very good thing. Move on. He’s not your responsibility anymore and he doesn’t have the power to make you feel bad.

I left someone who wasn’t good for me. I was made out to be the bad guy by him but, really, what does that matter? Him playing the victim was an absolute turn off and so very typical of him never accepting any blame or anyone else’s point of view. I lost friends over it. They had no idea of how my life was and they chose sides? Fuck em. None of how you’re feeling now will last. You have the opportunity here to find real happiness for yourself by moving on.

This is ridiculous. If my husband was friends on SM with loads of women that he didn't know and was liking their posts I would absolutely say something about it! What about if OP's partner was staring at random women when then were out IRL? Is this also ok? I despair that women are such second class citizens that some of us are socialised to think in this way