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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rationing Christmas Gifts

29 replies

SillySausage25 · 20/12/2022 09:31

AIBU?
80 year old DM always wants to have control over everything and Christmas is no different. Me, my 13 year old and DH always have out parents to dinner on Xmas day but Mum is going to DB this year as he lives miles away and she feels she should take turns. I have no problem with this its her choice but....
She always needs to have some element of control and this year she has decided that she would like to come to our house at New Year. Okay....... but she will save the Xmas gifts until then! I told her I would rather she didn't do that for her Granddaughter as she will want to open her gift on Xmas day. So we compromised and she has given her a small gift to open for Xmas day. She has bought her a few gifts and thos just doesn't feel right to me. Mum said she likes to see her face when opening them and that's why she is rationing them!!! Why don't I feel comfortable with this.
She then said she would come NYE and I offered her to stay in the spare room. She said she would.like that. Now she is saying she might not want to so if we are having a drink and can't take her home, she will just come on NY day instead! But I don't know if I want all this. She wants me to cook another Christmas dinner and she will help. I just feel like I am doing all this on Christmas day and she is invited but if she has other plans, that's fine but why should I feel like I have to do it all over again because she wasn't there on the day! She is wanting to recreate it but I don't know how I will feel on NYE. We usually have a takeaway because I don't want to cook. We always have a quiet, relaxing NY. I don't mind having her over but it's always at her control. She didn't wait to be invited, just invited herself and told me what was going to happen.

OP posts:
MoggyMittens23 · 20/12/2022 09:34

The present thing wouldn’t bother me at all.

New Year’s Eve, just say we are having a takeaway because we want to relax. You are welcome to join us

GnomeyGnome · 20/12/2022 09:34

The not wanting to do another Christmas on NYE/D is not unreasonable at all. Just tell her she's welcome to come over but it will be takeaway.

I do think you're being unreasonable about the gifts though. Presumably your DD will be getting other gifts on Christmas day? So I see no problem with waiting until new year to open the gifts from your DM. In fact, it's something else to look forward to for your DD!

namechange3394 · 20/12/2022 09:35

I think you were a bit rude demanding the presents for Christmas Day. It's quite normal to open the presents when you see the person over the Christmas period surely?

She doesn't get to demand what happens either though. Just tell her what your plans are and she's welcome to join in or not. Why are you not saying "no mum, that doesn't work for me"?

WandaWonder · 20/12/2022 09:35

I think when she gives her present is up to her, as for the NY thing I would tell her what is happening and up to her what she does with that

caringcarer · 20/12/2022 09:35

I understand you not wanting to cook another Xmas dinner on NY day but can't see any issues with wanting to give her dgd her Xmas gifts to see her open them herself. It won't hurt your dd to wait a week. It will be nice for her to see her DGM on NY day.

PuttingDownRoots · 20/12/2022 09:36

Presents... quite normal for presents to be to be late if you are seeing family a few days later.

NYE... do it how you want.

Hidingawaytoday · 20/12/2022 09:39

The present thing is normal isn't it? In our family unless you aren't seeing someone at all over Christmas/NY you get your present when you see them.

For NY just say this is what we're doing let me know if you're coming NYE and staying over or just coming NYD.

Greatly · 20/12/2022 09:40

Asking for the gifts on Christmas Day is rude! Nothing wrong with being given them in person. My dds godparents are coming to visit in January and I wouldn't dream of asking for the presents before then!

HerbErtlinger · 20/12/2022 09:40

As others said, completely reasonable to want to relax over new year and I would tell DM 'these are our plans, you are welcome to join us' and do your usual takeaway.

I do think you are being unreasonable about the gift thing. Presumably your mum has taken time and care in choosing gifts and wants to be present when she gives them. I wouldn't expect anyone to leave gifts Xmas day if they aren't going to be seeing them, my kids enjoy getting more gifts around the festive season when we visit various family. Your DD won't feel deprived, it's something for her to look forward to

treesandweeds · 20/12/2022 09:40

It's not rationing, you've deliberately used an incorrect and provocative word. She's just asking to be there when her grandchild opens her gift. That's entirely reasonable and most people get gifts in different days around the Christmas period as they see relatives.
The meal, as others have said, tell her what you are doing and when and she's welcome to join you.

Greatly · 20/12/2022 09:41

You can easily do xmas lunch on NYD if you were so minded. Buy a chicken and all the bits prepared and heavily reduced, but basically do whatever you want.

HappyOnions · 20/12/2022 09:43

The present thing seems fine to me- she's not rationing presents, just bringing them round when she's going to be there.

For New Year- just tell her what you're doing and she can choose to come or not. She shouldn't dictate the menu.

LauraChant · 20/12/2022 09:44

I think the present thing is fine. As a child we always spent the time between Christmas and New Year visiting and would give and receive presents to and from family as we saw them. It's exciting, it spreads Christmas out!
I wouldn't be cooking another Christmas dinner on New Years Day though.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 20/12/2022 09:44

I’d love that but I’d prefer to do it on NY day instead of NYE. Just when it’s all over, you get an extra Christmas!

JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 20/12/2022 09:44

Her demanding extra effort / dictating plans for NY - YANBU

Wanting the gift to be opened without them seeing - YABU

SkylightSkylight · 20/12/2022 09:51

I think you've been very rude & pot/kettle calling your mum controlling.

Demanding gifts on Christmas Day for your 13 year old daughter is entitled & rude.

I think it could have been nice to have another Christmas Day with your Mum, but fine if you didn't want to, she asked & offered to help. But if you didn't want to, fine, it's not controlling to ASK.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 20/12/2022 09:55

Thank you for all your replies. I do respect your opinions and I am being unreasonable with the gifts. I understand that now. I think its just that she has always controlled me and everything I do so it's me just digging my heels in!! I am never relaxed or comfortable in her company and especially at Christmas. She causes so much trouble in the lead up to it. Saying that she does not want to to my DB and wishing it was all over etc.

OP posts:
PutinSmellsPassItOn · 20/12/2022 10:25

Our gift exchanges carry on into January ive always preferredit as it gives the dc more time to appreciate and use each gift, plus we get to spend time with family properly ......are you sure you aren't the controlling one and you're being reactive because someone's gone against you ? This sounds like a very odd thing to get worked up over. In fact I find it more odd it's not happened before. 😬

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 20/12/2022 10:29

The polite thing is to keep presents until you see the people and open them together, not demand they are delivered ahead of time.

LemonsAndCherries · 20/12/2022 10:30

You are both being unreasonable.

She should come New Year's Eve and let you not have to cook a full meal New Year's Day.

Re the presents, unless you are hard up and we're banking on her presents to make up numbers for your daughter, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to give them at New Year and get the joy of seeing your daughter open them. My SIL does this and it works well as by New Year the kids are ready for a new different toy/present and really appreciate it rather than it being lost amongst the Christmas Day pile!

NamelessTemptress01 · 20/12/2022 10:31

I definitely wouldn’t have a problem with saving pressies, it will be something extra to look forward to

babyjellyfish · 20/12/2022 10:36

I think the present thing is fine and your DD is old enough to understand.

As for the rest, your mum can't force you to cook another Christmas Dinner on New Year's Day if you don't want to.

Cook something nice, for sure, make it a celebration, but you're under no obligation to do a full on turkey dinner.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 20/12/2022 10:36

I wouldn't have an issue regarding the presents BUT I ain't cooking another bloody Christmas dinner on NYE or NY so if she wants it, she can march her bossy self in the kitchen and do it all herself!!

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 20/12/2022 10:38

Thank you all for your comments and opinions. I have taken them on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySausage25 · 20/12/2022 10:52

If I am really honest, I think I just want to dig my heels in with everything. She says black, I say white. It comes from feelings I have about her. One part of her is lovely and the other, I dont like so much. I have had years of what I see as manipulating, controlling behaviour. She is very depressed and I have become a friend, confident, doctor and everything apart from a daughter and that's how I feel. She doesn't like anyone but says she is lonely. I do get some of it, she has some ill health but over the years I have become distant emotionally in order to protect myself I guess. I probably need to talk to someone about these feelings. So, as stupid as it sounds, these feelings about her and the guilt I feel on a daily basis for thinking these things and not being or doing everything for her, have a profound effect on how I deal with her. I have spent years feeling like I can't have a life. I am 46 years old and I dare not tell her I am going on holiday or moving house because of what she will think feel or say. So that's why I don't want her telling me what is going to happen at Christmas or actually, at any other time of the year!

OP posts: