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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wait to see what my child’s school does first?

43 replies

Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 22:44

Hi, I’m so sorry if this has been posted to the wrong group. I’m new here & I have no idea how to work this. But I am hoping to get some advice off other parents.

my child is in year 6, there’s another child in the class that has said sexual comments to my child around 10 days ago, I went into the school to see the safe guarding teacher as the things that child said were concerning not just for my child but for the child who said them.

I was reassured that because this child has autism (so does my child that’s no excuse) that he didn’t understand the severity of saying sexual things, he denied it at first but finally admitted it. His mum was called into the school & the safe guarding teacher told me that she has been through the traffic light system with the child in question & his mum. I said I’d like for my child to be kept away (not left alone with this kid) until it’s sorted.

fast forward to today. My child comes out of school, we get home & he tells me that they were all sitting quietly drawing & the boy who said sexual remarks to my child turned around & randomly walked up to the teacher & said, he meaning my child said he wants to put illegal things up my bum. The teacher naturally asked my child & he was mortified & told her no, he never said that.

so the teacher said both apologise & forget it. I didn’t forget it, I asked my child did
you say anything of that nature as I’m not one of those parents that automatically thinks my child is a saint. But one thing I know is I can say with certainty he didn’t even know the word illegal until today.

I could tell by my sons face he was telling the truth he said, “Mum I’m disturbed I don’t want to be near him” he was so embarrassed to have to repeated what that child had said to him.

I’ve rang the school straight away & they’ve said that it’s not on it’ll be dealt with but I’ve told them my son isn’t going back to school as I just don’t feel safe with him around this child. This child in question seems set out on being sexual towards my son.

does anyone know what the procedure will be going forward? I definitely don’t want my son around him, I’m gutted. I hope the child in question isn’t being exposed to abuse but at the same time I need to protect my son too.

should I wait to see what the school will do or should I take it further?

if you’ve got this far, thank you so much for reading. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 22:50

Sorry I’d just like to add that I said to the teacher today, if my son hadn’t have told me I’d never have known which is wrong considering what happened 10 days ago, & I made it clear that I wasn’t having it that my son was made to apologise for something he never said. If that helps with more info. I’m just lost. I feel like it’s really serious. Just looking for some perspective or advice on where to go from here x

OP posts:
JodiePants · 19/12/2022 22:50

Regardless of the child's age and SEN, it's sexual harassment. At my school for a first offence it would be an internal exclusion, so a day out of class with the headteacher. Following offences would be external exclusions, unless there were concerns about the home life in which case it would be another internal exclusion. There would also be pastoral support and social stories put in place to try and prevent it happening again and the children kept apart. Your school sounds like they have a very blasé attitude towards this.

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 22:54

@JodiePants Thank you for replying. Yes their attitude is exactly like that. But today the safe guarding teacher sounded mortified & from the get go I made it clear that I wanted it sorted & I wanted them kept apart. Needless to say that fell on deaf ears so now the child was left to make up a sexual lie. I was really quite frank & not one bit impressed when I went to speak to the teacher 10 days ago & I won’t be putting up with it but I don’t know where to go, do I wait to see what the school will do or do I go above them?

OP posts:
TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 19/12/2022 22:58

Your child should be in school, the other child shouldn't be! Vile behaviour

I'd expect the school to be removing him from your child's class

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:02

@TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree exactly but they said “he’s got autism” so I said & so has my son but if he ever said anything sexual to any child I would never use that as an excuse. I just don’t know who I’m meant to report it too. I have no idea who I go to other than the safe guarding teacher which I already have. But I don’t think they’re taking it seriously.

I honestly want to see the child’s parent but I need to stay level headed as it’s not something that can be glossed over.

OP posts:
Jessbow · 19/12/2022 23:16

Clearly you are upset about it- anyone would be.
Was the comment worded to be sexual - or arey ou interpreting what was said as sexual? ( because I think there is difference.)

''I'm going to stick my pen up your backside'' Could be no more 'sexual' than ''I'm going to poke my pen in your eye'' to some kids.

Where might the perp be hearing such things ?
10 yer old boys can be very stupid at times

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 23:17

I would report to Social Services at the very least - or even the police. If the child is talking like that, Autism or not, there may very well be things going on at his home that are causing him to talk like this. Who knows?

My son had a similar problem when around that age with another child. The other child actually tried to sexually molest him and the police did get involved eventually.

You have every right to be concerned and to take this further

bridgetreilly · 19/12/2022 23:17

Social services.

Dalooah · 19/12/2022 23:19

You could speak to the head teacher. Failing that, insist on speaking the school governor who is safeguarding linked. Escalate this as it sounds like the appropriate procedures aren't in place. You can look on the school website for their safeguarding policy and if they're not following it, or there isn't a policy in place you can alert ofstead- if the school is due a visit it might push it up or get the school put on list for a visit if a visit isn't due.

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:21

@Jessbow The child’s exact words were “he said he was going to stick an illegal thing up my bum hole” … I’d say that’s sexual. Ten days before he said to my son in front of other kids “Look at my long thing” meaning his private parts & then walked up to a child & said “suck my penis”

all this was proven to be true as the child admitted it after some coaxing & the other boy he said it to confirmed my son was telling the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:23

@Silvers11 How do I go about that? I’ve never dealt with Social Service’s I am so clueless about how to report the child. I have emailed the governor of the school saying I want a meeting & my son isn’t allowed back & I thing the route they should’ve taken was excluding the child who keeps making sexual remarks.

But whether they do expel him is another thing. Thank you for replying x

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 23:24

As I said already @Kizzlericks - please report this to Social Services. For all you know this child may be being abused at home. leading to how he behaves and talks in school. You could be doing him a favour

7eleven · 19/12/2022 23:25

Oh gosh. That’s definitely a safeguarding issue for the other boy. How does he know these thing? What is he watching? Red flag.

So sorry this has happened to your son. I’d be quite matter of fact with him say “Oh what a silly thing to say.”

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:26

@Dalooah Thanks for the advice. The headteacher I’ve gone to is the Safe Guarding teacher too. Now the first time it happened she reassured me that she had a meeting with the child & the mum & went through traffic light system of sexual abuse & that they’re doing work with the child about how they cannot say those things. I naively thought that it was sorted & they’d keep him away from my son. How wrong was I. I have emailed the school governor & said I’d like a meeting asap. Until then my son won’t be returning to school as I’m really concerned he’s going to act on these sexual things.

OP posts:
Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 19/12/2022 23:27

As you know children with autism can get fixed and also not understand the impact on other people. But as a parent of a child with autism I’d be really unhappy. My kids don’t know anything like that, so no way they could get fixated on it. To be fair to the school, this child could have learnt these words from situation that is known and they have been removed from it and they just aren’t (of course) disclosing to you.
But regardless of the reasons, they need to give this other child 1:1 monitoring and also work closely with them to help them break out of repeatedly saying this (and potentially get to the bottom of why they are saying it), very much for their sake as well as everyone else’s.

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 23:27

Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:23

@Silvers11 How do I go about that? I’ve never dealt with Social Service’s I am so clueless about how to report the child. I have emailed the governor of the school saying I want a meeting & my son isn’t allowed back & I thing the route they should’ve taken was excluding the child who keeps making sexual remarks.

But whether they do expel him is another thing. Thank you for replying x

Look up the children's social care team at your local council. You should be able to look up the phone number on the council website. Then just tell them about your concerns as you have told them here, say you have concerns for obvious reasons abou tthe other child - and ask for advice about reporting to the police. Good Luck with taking this forward so you can protect your child

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:28

@Silvers11 I did tell the safe guarding teacher that I was concerned that this was happening to the child who keeps saying sexual things & the teacher said she would speak to the mum about it & talk to her about possible abuse the child might be suffering. I completely believed the school would’ve reported it since I took the first step in telling them about it.

OP posts:
7eleven · 19/12/2022 23:29

He won’t be permanently excluded, OP. Don’t think that. Another solution will need to be found.

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:30

@Silvers11 Thanks. I wasn’t sure whether I was doing the right thing by putting trust in to the school to find out why this was happening or whether I should escalate it even further but after reading the comments I think I should escalate it. Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:33

@7eleven Thanks for the advice. I’ve never heard of MASH. Can I just ring them up regarding the child? Or do I need some form of proof? The school have the first incident documented which will state my son was telling the truth. So I assume that is proof. I don’t think I’ll be content leaving my son in the same room as the child again. It’s like he has a vendetta against him for some strange reason

OP posts:
Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:37

@Dancingdragonhiddentiger Yeah totally agree some children with autism can become fixated on things. Even though my son has autism I can honestly say he is so prude & really still child like I’m his ways so he is just very mortified that these sexual remarks are being made. I feel terrible on him I can see how confused he is when I’ve spoken to him about it. I’m going back in to the school tomorrow to see what their plan is & I have asked for a meeting with the governors. I think maybe now the school will actually report it to Social Services but I’m not holding my breath.

OP posts:
BeGentlePeeps · 19/12/2022 23:40

GP here (and mum to 7yo and 10yo boys), have also had a safeguarding role for a preschool…

This is absolutely a MASH referral. School should be making it without question. If not, you can- 6 year olds only know this language if they have been exposed to it. In paediatrics if a child this age demonstrates such behaviour it’s a massive red flag re being a victim of abuse.

I’d also be really uncomfortable about my child being in any close proximity, without close supervision.

I’m not normally dramatic in assuming the worst but imo this needs checked out and don’t wait for school. Sometimes it’s nothing but sometimes it’s something… and case review after case review shows that children are failed because people thought it was someone else’s job.

Google MASH in your area and give them a call tomorrow- even if to ask their advice.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. I know it’s supremely uncomfortable but…

7eleven · 19/12/2022 23:42

I’d wait to get in writing exactly what the school do. Anyone can contact their local MASH.

You have my sympathy OP. I taught a Year 2 class where a boy used to try to roll on the ground to look up the skirt of a girl he was obsessed. The girl’s father wanted to knock his block off.

Original poster
Kizzlericks · 19/12/2022 23:43

@BeGentlePeeps I have got MASHS number for my area. I will be ringing them tomorrow. I’m just worried that they’ll overlook it because the child has autism & then my son will be made to seem like a lair even though the school have investigated it the first time & it turned out my son was 100% telling the truth. I’m concerned for the child in question too.

I don’t want to end up creating mayhem but I am definitely reporting it tomorrow. Thank you for the advice.

OP posts: