AIBU to wait to see what my child’s school does first?

[Kizzlericks]

Hi, I’m so sorry if this has been posted to the wrong group. I’m new here & I have no idea how to work this. But I am hoping to get some advice off other parents.

my child is in year 6, there’s another child in the class that has said sexual comments to my child around 10 days ago, I went into the school to see the safe guarding teacher as the things that child said were concerning not just for my child but for the child who said them.

I was reassured that because this child has autism (so does my child that’s no excuse) that he didn’t understand the severity of saying sexual things, he denied it at first but finally admitted it. His mum was called into the school & the safe guarding teacher told me that she has been through the traffic light system with the child in question & his mum. I said I’d like for my child to be kept away (not left alone with this kid) until it’s sorted.

fast forward to today. My child comes out of school, we get home & he tells me that they were all sitting quietly drawing & the boy who said sexual remarks to my child turned around & randomly walked up to the teacher & said, he meaning my child said he wants to put illegal things up my bum. The teacher naturally asked my child & he was mortified & told her no, he never said that.

so the teacher said both apologise & forget it. I didn’t forget it, I asked my child did
you say anything of that nature as I’m not one of those parents that automatically thinks my child is a saint. But one thing I know is I can say with certainty he didn’t even know the word illegal until today.

I could tell by my sons face he was telling the truth he said, “Mum I’m disturbed I don’t want to be near him” he was so embarrassed to have to repeated what that child had said to him.

I’ve rang the school straight away & they’ve said that it’s not on it’ll be dealt with but I’ve told them my son isn’t going back to school as I just don’t feel safe with him around this child. This child in question seems set out on being sexual towards my son.

does anyone know what the procedure will be going forward? I definitely don’t want my son around him, I’m gutted. I hope the child in question isn’t being exposed to abuse but at the same time I need to protect my son too.

should I wait to see what the school will do or should I take it further?

if you’ve got this far, thank you so much for reading. X

Sorry- I misread- Y6! Not aged 6…

It doesn’t change my thoughts/ suggestions though. I have a Y6 boy and would be just as uncomfortable at this age with this situation.

MASH are a good sounding board. They are, imo, sensible and worldwise people.

@7eleven My gosh that’s serious as well. I’m going into the school tomorrow I’m asking them are they planning on reporting this to mash because if they aren’t then I am & I know it’ll be my son being punished in the long run because I can’t see myself ever feeling comfortable with him going back to school where the child will be & I can’t see the school excluding him unfortunately. Thanks for the advice x

They won’t overlook it. Unfortunately a lot of children know about sex. Few are aware of anal penetration. That’s the main red flag, in my opinion.

@7eleven I guess I’ll have to see what the safe guarding teacher says tomorrow. Yes exactly the anal thing. The things he’s saying are things that only a child being exposed to things they shouldn’t be would say. It doesn’t sit right with me & I’ll protect my children until I die from things like this.

I would go to the police, but I would also move my child to a new school. X

Validate your son’s feelings “That was a completely unacceptable thing to say,” but try to stay calm in front of your son and don’t make too much of it.

Forgive me for asking, but are
you absolutely sure that it isn’t a stupid thing going around the class? Year 6 boys can be extremely silly. Are you certain your son didn’t say it?

You should, of course, report any concern about the other child to the school and social services. They will pool their information and take action if they deem it necessary. They will not report back to you about any further action and frankly the teacher you spoke to should not have commented further about the other child and their family as it is not your business.
What is your business is your own child's safety. I would suggest you ask the school what measures are being put in place to protect them and concentrate on that.

As well as the sexual element I'd want to know why, exactly, my child was told to apologisef9r something he didn't do. Wtf was the teacher's logic here?

@allboysherebutme Hes been in the school since he was 4. It’s his last year I feel it very unfair that he’s the one who has to move when he hasn’t done anything wrong but I also know that the school probably won’t exclude the other child which leaves me home schooling my son. It’s a horrible situation x

@ElegantlyTouched Im glad I weren’t the only one who thought this. & I said that to the head teacher & I sat my son down & explained that if he feels like he’s being made to apologise for something he knows he never done then he has every rights to dispute that but my son is so quiet that he just went along with it & that angers me more about the school.

@7eleven I did I sat down with him & went over everything with him & told him under no circumstances was what that other child said okay it’s not acceptable. I feel so bad that he’s been exposed to this. Like part of my sons brain has been polluted. I could literally see the embarrassment in his little face having to tell me but I said he done exactly the right thing for telling me.

You should check that they have reported it to the safeguarding team in their area. Not reported him, but what he said. It’s very graphic for a young boy. The school will almost certainly have spoken to SS. If the school did not report it, that will be a worry- ask them why not. One 10 year old has said something concerning and at least two other boys have heard it.
MASH will not ignore it
My advice as someone who has worked in this field is not to talk about it in front of your son, less said soonest mended ( and forgotten). Let him know he did the right thing telling you and that what the boy said is inappropriate and you will deal with it all now, but he is not to worry.

Imagine how the parents of the classmates of a 7 year old girl I taught felt when they heard she’d regaled them all the details about sex, over the lunch table. Apparently she’d been allowed to watch Sex and the City 😳

@anyonenowheremypenis Thanks for your reply. I have a niggling feeling that they haven’t reported it to Social Services. But that’s what I’ll be asking tomorrow morning when I go in. If they haven’t I will be ringing MASH up.

@7eleven I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that as it can be so innocently said can’t it.

In my honest opinion, home schooling might not be the best outcome for your child. It’s been said now and he has heard things you would have preferred he hadn’t. But you run the risk of making it an even bigger deal for your son.

You might consider giving your son something to say to the other boy ( who possibly can’t help what he is saying) about him not speaking to him like that.
Give him the exact words and practice it so it comes out easily if he needs to say it - ‘David, you have been told by Mrs X not to say those sorts of things, so stop it now’ He needs to say it assertively and calmly , but not shout or be aggressive/ angry. Repeat if David persists and then tell the teacher David is saying stuff again.

@Kizzlericks you may not be told what actions the school have taken re reporting. Really they shouldn't have told you about the meeting they held with the boy and his mum and the traffic lights. Part of safeguarding is that you only get told the information you need to know and you don't need to know what happens to the other child beyond your report (as much as it would make you feel more secure and trusting in the school)

However I think in this case finding out if a MASH referral has been made could at least be asked. Even if they don't tell you, or they say it has and you don't believe them.....you can still make your own referral. There is never such a thing as too many referrals and you won't need any proof. Just dates, times and clear report of what happened and who was involved. As hard as it is try and take emotion out of your report, just deal with the facts. Safeguarding is like a jigsaw puzzle and the more information people provide from different sources is like more and more puzzle pieces coming together to form the full picture. So even if the school have reported, your report may give a different 'puzzle piece' that fills in details that the school may have left out (especially as they already seem to have downplayed the whole thing by chalking it up to this boy's autism. My son's autistic too and he wouldn't say anything like this either)

What should and DOES concern you is the steps the school are going to take to protect your son and other children (as well as the boy in question if he continues to make these remarks or escalates his behaviour). That, imo, should be the focus of your meeting. What are the school going to do? What plan do they have in place to prevent this from happening again? Exclusion is extremely unlikely (and not really fair, exclusion is a punishment and this boy is likely being exposed to stuff he shouldn't be, he's a victim of something rather than behaving maliciously) but what can they do instead? 1:1 monitoring? Seating plan so the boy is always within sight and earshot of the teacher-will this always work during group time? You absolutely have a right to know how your son is being protected and to be happy and sure that the plan they come up with is suitable and will stand up to scrutiny.

I'm sorry this has happened OP, good luck for your meeting and with reporting to MASH. I hope that with the end of term coming soon that you can have a lovely Christmas break and some lovely experiences to replace this one

I'd phone social services immediately; if school aren't sorting it then hopefully they will
I'm so sorry your poor child