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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to potentially upset

33 replies

SILhelp · 19/12/2022 21:34

my family and friends by putting a spend cap on xmas presents for their children?

I'm single and do not have children but love all my 14 nieces, nephews and friends children. A few years ago all the sets of parents in my family and pal groups decided on xmas pressies for the kids only. it's what worked for them so ok. stopping buying presents for the kids seemed so cruel to them and on the day i wud be the only one not giving- not nice! I always bought the kids presents for birthday and xmas before and enjoyed it tho now it does feel a little lonely not getting a token gift at xmas or thank u card silly I know! Please dont tell me im selfish and not in the spirit already know!! but it is getting very pricey with the level and number of gifts everyone expects. With prices of everything going up i can't afford to spend as much as people usually do and want to set a cap but worried they'll think I don't value their kids or I'm being a grinch!! Should I just stop being silly and suck it up?

OP posts:

OrigamiOwls · 19/12/2022 21:39

That is a lot of little ones to buy for. I wouldn't think anyone would be upset by you spending a token amount.

ReginaPerrin · 19/12/2022 21:42

If I had that many to buy for, I’d be getting them something like a selection box or a book from the Works.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/12/2022 21:43

Do you need to buy the children gifts at all? I wouldn’t expect you to in those circumstances.

If you do then Jesus yes only buy a token gift for them all. Maybe even a box of chocolates each. Personally I’d still buy you something if you were gifting my children and didn’t have your own children.

Dulcetto · 19/12/2022 21:43

My DSis is single with no children. She buys the nieces and nephews (because she wants to) but each family ALWAYS buys her a nice present ‘from the kids’ as otherwise it’s just not fair. We do a Secret Santa names out of a hat thing for the adults so you’re only buying 1.

It’s totally unacceptable to not get a thank you. As soon as my DC could write it’s time for thank you cards, that’s the rule in my house - great aunty Sheila sends you a £5 book token and you send a thank you back.

You are absolutely NBU to set a limit and I honestly can’t think of any sane person who would be upset or offended by that. 14 presents is a lot even if only £10 each.

Have a great Christmas 🎄

Thedogscollar · 19/12/2022 21:44

Definitely not OP and if they did I'd consider them selfish. The cost of living is crazy right now time for belts to be tightened. Hopefully they will completely understand and at the end of the day its the thought that counts. They are lucky to have such a lovely Aunty.

HoHoHowMuch · 19/12/2022 21:45

I think they are all cheeky fuckers to expect you to buy for their kids and never thank you with at least a token present. When single I hated that you always get a present from a couple and have to buy them a gift each, so this is just passing that on to the next generation. Definitely feel free to buy token gifts or not at all.

frustratedashell · 19/12/2022 21:47

Totally understandable, what with having 14 to buy for plus the cost of living crisis.

Aprilx · 19/12/2022 21:54

Spend what you want for who you want. You don’t need to explain your spending cap though.

WaddleAway · 19/12/2022 21:56

My SIL has no children, she buys our children lovely presents so we buy her a lovely present. Wouldn’t dream of letting her buy for our 3 while getting nothing in return. If I were you I’d go with a ‘token’ gift for them all.

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 19/12/2022 22:14

I'd stop the gifts altogether on the basis of never getting a thank you.

Purplechicken207 · 19/12/2022 22:34

Those without kids in my family buy for my kids but not us adults. And we buy for them, because they bought for our kids. Seems fair that way. The kids get presents, aunts/uncles still receive something. In fact generally I spend more on our siblings than they do on my kids, but then little kids are easy to please!
For us thank yous tend to be in person at the time, or by text/email maybe with a photo of said child with new toy/book. With 2 little kids and a DH who disagrees with thank you notes if you've seen the person at the time or can text them, it fall ls to me and over the years thank you cards is something I've let go of

IAmMeThisIsI · 19/12/2022 22:53

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 19/12/2022 22:14

I'd stop the gifts altogether on the basis of never getting a thank you.

This, OP. I don't have any children either and I have a few nieces and nephew. I cannot work due to severe mental health issues and other things I won't get into here.

I've always bought them all really nice gifts and popped a tenner into their cards. I would even buy my sister and her partner gifts.

They just stopped saying "thank you" one year. They are on their phones all the time, my number is the same but I didn't get a single thanking.

This year I haven't even bothered with a Christmas card. I've gone and bought everyone else nice gifts (but affordable). However I won't be getting them anymore gifts. It's not met with gratitude and is ignored. I don't even know if they liked anything I bought them.

Blinki · 20/12/2022 00:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CatSeany · 20/12/2022 00:43

We have two kids, and my brother suggested this year that we don't buy for the adults, just the kids. He doesn't have kids and I felt awful not getting him something when he went to the effort to buy my children things. He was adamant we didn't get him anything, but I did anyway as I didn't want him not to have anything. It seems a real shame that no-one would think to get you anything, even something small.

TokenGinger · 20/12/2022 00:47

I stopped a couple of years ago buying big gifts. I started buying them all a selection box at £2 each. Now I've had DA, I only buy for our immediate nieces and nephew (as in, the children of our siblings) - 3 in total. If there were 14, I think I'd just make the agreement that we all just stick to buying for our own children.

My younger brother doesn't have children. This year, we've said not to buy for adults, but I've still bought for him as I know he's bought DS a toy.

EasterIsland · 20/12/2022 07:49

Awww @SILhelp that is really rubbish of your family not to give you anything. You would not be mean to spend only what you want to - 14 nephews and nieces is a lot!!

Your family is very thoughtless and careless of you. I hope you give yourself a really lovely present.

SomethingOriginal2 · 20/12/2022 07:55

YANBU kids only does not apply to kid free adults in my life. I still buy for my childless brother because why should he go without because we had kids?

They've been shitty to overlook the effect on you and I think in the early run up to next Christmas you should tell them how you feel .

You've no need to tell them you've set a cap though, just spend less.

Pictograph · 20/12/2022 08:00

I totally agree with only buying for the kids if everyone has them, but I think it's mean when one sibling is child free.

fancyacuppatea · 20/12/2022 08:02

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 19/12/2022 22:14

I'd stop the gifts altogether on the basis of never getting a thank you.

I did this.
I was sick of buying stuff and never getting so much as a text in acknowledgement, so I stopped.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:04

fancyacuppatea · 20/12/2022 08:02

I did this.
I was sick of buying stuff and never getting so much as a text in acknowledgement, so I stopped.

Show quote history

I also support this but, if you do want to get them something, you spend what you want. They don't need anything extravagant. Something simple and cheap is fine and they should be grateful.

MRex · 20/12/2022 08:05

I think it's fine not to get anything, especially friend kids it really isn't necessary. Personally I prefer not to get extra gifts for DS from friends, and he wouldn't notice. How many are actual nieces and nephews, what are their ages and how often do you see them? That would influence me far more than what the adults think.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/12/2022 08:06

Fucking hell, 14? I would just say you can’t afford even token presents and not buy anything.

curiouslycinnamon · 20/12/2022 08:08

I don't buy presents for friends' children - it's not expected and would get very expensive.

Neices and nephews I would, but if I had that many it would be a bit of chocolate each.

You don't have to do it.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 08:09

Why don't you get a thank-you card? (From the parents if the kids are too little?). Of course it's fine to have a spending limit. A small token gift or none at all if you can't afford it is fine. Must be a big family so surely the kids will still be getting gifts from others?

Original poster

SILhelp · 20/12/2022 09:50

Thank you for the replies so far, they're really good advice and useful to hear how everyone else usually does presents. If I didn't give anything at gatherings I'd be the only one not swapping for the children and I'd feel very bad and maybe as if I shouldn't be there, a lot of focus is on the littlies (conversation, activities, plans, traditions, food and a specific present giving time etc) and theres an expectation but i can't manage with the spend in the hundreds with just my income. For those asking they're all under 10. I do really try to put thought into what they'd like and sometimes suggestions are given to me. To the posters who asked I don't know why I don't receive anything back, the no adults rule is quite strict maybe to keep costs down for them, maybe that extends to cards?

OP posts:

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