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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to potentially upset

33 replies

SILhelp · 19/12/2022 21:34

my family and friends by putting a spend cap on xmas presents for their children?

I'm single and do not have children but love all my 14 nieces, nephews and friends children. A few years ago all the sets of parents in my family and pal groups decided on xmas pressies for the kids only. it's what worked for them so ok. stopping buying presents for the kids seemed so cruel to them and on the day i wud be the only one not giving- not nice! I always bought the kids presents for birthday and xmas before and enjoyed it tho now it does feel a little lonely not getting a token gift at xmas or thank u card silly I know! Please dont tell me im selfish and not in the spirit already know!! but it is getting very pricey with the level and number of gifts everyone expects. With prices of everything going up i can't afford to spend as much as people usually do and want to set a cap but worried they'll think I don't value their kids or I'm being a grinch!! Should I just stop being silly and suck it up?

OP posts:
IAmMeThisIsI · 20/12/2022 11:26

SILhelp · 20/12/2022 09:50

Thank you for the replies so far, they're really good advice and useful to hear how everyone else usually does presents. If I didn't give anything at gatherings I'd be the only one not swapping for the children and I'd feel very bad and maybe as if I shouldn't be there, a lot of focus is on the littlies (conversation, activities, plans, traditions, food and a specific present giving time etc) and theres an expectation but i can't manage with the spend in the hundreds with just my income. For those asking they're all under 10. I do really try to put thought into what they'd like and sometimes suggestions are given to me. To the posters who asked I don't know why I don't receive anything back, the no adults rule is quite strict maybe to keep costs down for them, maybe that extends to cards?

Wait...so they are keeping "costs down" by not buying for the adults? But you feel bad and left out if you try to keep costs down? Yikes. OP, pop to the pound shop and buy 14 little gifts. Don't spend hundreds! Kids will be grateful no matter what they get (if they're brought up to be polite).

Crunchymum · 20/12/2022 11:41

We don't do Xmas gifts on either side due to sheer number of people / kids.

My brother (one DC) has 12 nieces and nephews. It is silly to expect him to fork out on 12 gifts.

We buy gifts for parents, we all meet for various family gatherings (share cost of food and drink) and I do buy if it's a little one's first Christmas but nope. It is untenable.

I'd nip it in the bud full stop. 14 nieces and nephews - feck that!

itsgettingweird · 20/12/2022 14:59

Buy them something like a hat and scarf set, book (annual they like), wallet/purse, smelly set etc.

All can be got for under a tenner each and when you add that up to 14 people it's still over £100.

If that's still too much go even cheaper and get them all something for a fiver. The works is your friend here because they often do 2 for £10 games and craft sets.

itsgettingweird · 20/12/2022 15:00

But yes we buy for childless adults who buy for our children

MRex · 20/12/2022 15:36

SILhelp · 20/12/2022 09:50

Thank you for the replies so far, they're really good advice and useful to hear how everyone else usually does presents. If I didn't give anything at gatherings I'd be the only one not swapping for the children and I'd feel very bad and maybe as if I shouldn't be there, a lot of focus is on the littlies (conversation, activities, plans, traditions, food and a specific present giving time etc) and theres an expectation but i can't manage with the spend in the hundreds with just my income. For those asking they're all under 10. I do really try to put thought into what they'd like and sometimes suggestions are given to me. To the posters who asked I don't know why I don't receive anything back, the no adults rule is quite strict maybe to keep costs down for them, maybe that extends to cards?

You've got to get cheaper in that case. A few decent little fake Lego sets called Bricks or something in poundland for £3 each, split a set of 5 kites £20 between 5 kids, 3 for £10 books/games does another 3 etc. Or just stop. The kids will have plenty of toys regardless.

I'm really surprised none of 14 say thank you when physically given a gift by you though, sounds positively feral.

Thedaysthatremain · 20/12/2022 15:41

If some of them are siblings I'd get them a joint present.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/12/2022 15:50

I don't have children - I only had a conversation recently that best friends family only bought for children; that's what they do within their family - she would never have dreamed of telling me who to give or not give gifts to.
Always exchanged gifts with me, and my friend confided she'd always looked forward to my gifts as she didn't get others.
In your place I'd stop buying for all of them - they're clearly not bothered about you!
Or if you feel pressure to gift something, a family gift such as box of celebrations or other sweets/festive food?

Lalalalala555 · 24/07/2023 12:26

14 is a lot!
And also when your family didn't consider you when they said not for adults.

Just send a card.

My uncles and aunts do that. And siblings.

We do gifts for whoever we are around on the actual day.
And everyone else seems to get cards if that!

Don't give more than you're comfortable with. Either because that will put you in a situation where you are feeling anxious, which directly is not good. Or also the gift receiver should not want to be having that effect on you.
If they don't care about your wellbeing , then they're probably not worth getting gifts for anyway.

People don't need gifts. And if people get upset about them it's from an entitelment perspective. Which is not good to be encouraged!

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