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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see husband's kids without his permission

40 replies

Lemmecalluacab · 19/12/2022 20:04

Hi! I would like some opinions on my friend's situation, she actually is the one who asked me to post.

My friend, let's called her Tatiana, have 3 kids (3yo, 7 yo and 13yo) by her husband, we'll call him Paul.

Paul have 2 other kids who live in another city, he basically abandoned them, and they have been raised by their maternal grandparents ( The mum passed away). BUT Tatiana didn't know about his past.

Paul's daughters, who are 16 and 18 have messaged Tatiana. They all have met several times the past year. BUT Paul suddenly decided he no longer wanted to have his girls over or meet them because he doesn't feel any connection and feel like they are strangers. He told his daughters to never contact him again.

But the truth is that Tatiana maintained a regular contact with the 2 girls. Her logic is that, she wants her children to have a relationship with their siblings and she's grown attached to them.

Paul found out about it, and he has basically told her that if she continued to see his children, he will ask a divorce.

Is Tatiana overstepping boundaries? Is she being unreasonable?

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Well if I was Tatiana I would accept my husband's offer of a divorce. He abandoned his two daughters because he 'felt no connection' and insists that his younger children should have no contact with their half siblings either? Fuck that! He's clearly a deadbeat so she'd be well rid.

Perthsmurf · 19/12/2022 20:09

Tatiana is DNBU. The children have a right to a relationship. Paul’s choice not to have contact with the older children doesn’t trump the children’s rights to contact with their own siblings.

Yousee · 19/12/2022 20:09

Tatiana needs to say "tattie bye" to this boil on the arse of society she calls a husband.

autienotnaughty · 19/12/2022 20:13

Titania is bu for staying with someone like this.

Flutterbybudget · 19/12/2022 20:14

Personally, I don’t think she should have gone behind his back about it, but should have been clear from the outset that their children will be maintaining a relationship with their siblings, regardless of his tantrums. If he can do that to his older children, he can do it to hers, so better that her children have a wider family than just him.

thelobsterquadrille · 19/12/2022 20:16

Tatiana is being hugely unreasonable for staying with Paul.

She's not being unreasonable to see the girls.

spare123 · 19/12/2022 20:17

Paul's a shit and she should leave him.

Stressedmum2017 · 19/12/2022 20:25

Why on earth is Tatiana even still with Paul let alone worried about him divorcing her???! If he can treat his own daughters like shit off the bottom of his shoe he will do it to tatiana and her kids too.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 19/12/2022 20:39

He doesn't have the right to split siblings.
She should divorce him.

Original poster
Lemmecalluacab · 19/12/2022 20:43

Stressedmum2017

Because she doesn't want to negatively impact on her children's life and she loves him I suppose.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 19/12/2022 20:57

The daughters age 16 and 18 can have a relationship with whom they choose. I agree that Tatiana should accept the offer of divorce and send the horrible scrote packing

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2022 20:58

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Well if I was Tatiana I would accept my husband's offer of a divorce. He abandoned his two daughters because he 'felt no connection' and insists that his younger children should have no contact with their half siblings either? Fuck that! He's clearly a deadbeat so she'd be well rid.

Yes this.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2022 21:01

Lemmecalluacab · 19/12/2022 20:43

Stressedmum2017

Because she doesn't want to negatively impact on her children's life and she loves him I suppose.

Well in that case, she should call his bluff and say to him - no deal, our children are going to still still see your older kids because they are siblings and family, and IMO so should you.

If he still says no, then it’s divorce innit. This is not the type of thing she can do behind his back.

If she can financially make it without him, she’d probably be better off. What an arsehole.

hugefanofcheese · 19/12/2022 21:04

Paul is pond life. Tatiana should take up his kind offer of divorce and continue enabling her children to have a good relationship with their big sisters, plus feel free to maintain the bond she has built with them.

DucklingDaisy · 19/12/2022 21:06

What a horrible man. She's not doing anything unreasonable.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/12/2022 21:08

Her husband sounds like a piece of shit. I find it hard to imagine a man who is that crap a father to his older children could be much better for subsequent children.

I would accept the divorce and maintain contact between the children and their siblings.

Climbles · 19/12/2022 21:11

She needs to LTB
After which I can guarantee he will not want to see any of his children
A sad excuse for a man who abandons his kids like that would give me the ick.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/12/2022 21:12

He's a nasty fucking weasel who deserves to spend the rest of his life alone. My exH did this to my kids and they've never forgiven home.

Nosleepforthismum · 19/12/2022 21:12

Paul is vile and Tatiana should divorce him for abandoning his two daughters when their mother passed away. Paul is clearly trying to mitigate the situation as when his “new” children grow up I can’t imagine they will be very understanding. I certainly would never be able to look at my dad again without utter disgust.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 19/12/2022 21:13

Paul is a dick.

Titania should call his bluff.

No-one tells me who I can and cannot spend time with.

SwimInTheRain · 19/12/2022 21:19

it's very controlling to try to dictate other people's legitimate relationships with blood relatives. Highly likely he is controlling in other ways or will become more controlling if she allows him to dictate this. He sounds like he is a seriously damaged person.

LimeCheesecake · 19/12/2022 21:19

Tatiana needs to teach her dcs that family aren’t disposable. That relationships don’t just end when they get tricky. What will it do to them to see that their dad has abandoned some of his children? Are they optional to him too?

Tatiana needs to realise commitments are optional to Paul - he walked out on babies, and didn’t bother looking after them. Paul isn’t someone to be relied upon or trusted.

Original poster
Lemmecalluacab · 19/12/2022 21:29

Climbles · 19/12/2022 21:11

She needs to LTB
After which I can guarantee he will not want to see any of his children
A sad excuse for a man who abandons his kids like that would give me the ick.

That's actually one of her fears. That he will also abandon her 3 children too, if she decides to maintain a relationship with her kids' sisters.

So it is a bit of "Will my kids be fatherless because of my decisions?"

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 19/12/2022 21:34

Paul is a deadbeat. Who abandons their own kids? It's sickening.

lamaze1 · 19/12/2022 21:35

Sorry just in case it wasn't clear. Paul's opinion is irrelevant. Tatiana should ignore anything Paul says as he is unreasonable.