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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite DS’s friend over anyway

33 replies

sedon25181 · 19/12/2022 14:30

DS is 16. He was best friends with another boy for years, last year he was involved in an accident but DS visited him in hospital often and when he was discharged he’d visit him at home. He was obviously off school so DS made other friends, and he's now in college so he's made more.

Just after DS started college I had a message from the boys mum saying he felt left out as DS was seeing his new friends much more so I spoke to DS and he started including him more in things although not everything as the boy is now in a wheelchair so can't do everything with them.

DS’s birthday is over Christmas so he's spending time with his friends now, on Saturday he went to a trampoline park with them. He said he'd do something different with the boy but when I suggested he invites his friend over today but he refused as they can't do a lot together like they used to and it's now boring, I've told him there's plenty of things they can do and when they see each other he doesn't seem bored.

WIBU to invite the friend over anyway?

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 19/12/2022 14:37

teach your son not to be so selfish and unkind and how would he like it if he was in a wheelchair and friends didnt bother. Beggars belief.

Stressedmum2017 · 19/12/2022 14:37

I can see why you would want to but no you could end up making it very awkward between them and inadvertently making the situation worse.
I would just try and help your son develop his empathy and remind him the boy is still the same boy he was before the accident.

MyBooksAndMyCats · 19/12/2022 14:40

Your son seems to lack empathy.
Ask him how he'd feel if he was stuck in a wheelchair and his "best mate" found him boring.

MRSDoos · 19/12/2022 14:53

I think you sound like a great mum for noticing your DS is leaving his friend out due to being in a wheelchair. Your DS’s friend must be quite sad about being left out otherwise his mother wouldn’t of spoken to you.

I’m not sure if inviting this friend over without DS being aware or asking him to come over is the best idea. Other than sitting down with him and discussing empathy for others, or asking your DS to imagine himself in his friends shoes I’m not sure what else you can do.

butterfliedtwo · 19/12/2022 14:59

You shouldn't, it could be super awkward. I've been that friend. It felt like charity. Your son doesn't want the boy there, do you really think the former friend won't know or notice?

You can't force friendships for a teenager, but you can teach your son about empathy. That's what you should focus on.

butterfliedtwo · 19/12/2022 15:02

... and by "been there" I mean, I was the one in a wheelchair and left out.

Mumdiva99 · 19/12/2022 15:04

Could you book them an activity they could do together....here we have slot car racing, or computer game places, or a desert restaurant, or the cinema or board game cafe. Take the pressure off your son to do the entertaining. Then I'm sure they will have fun.

poefaced · 19/12/2022 15:04

YABU. You can't force DS's friendships. You've given some encouragement and it's best to leave DS to manage things himself. He's not 8!

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 19/12/2022 15:13

You can't force friendships and I wouldn't invite the kid without your DS knowing and agreeing. However, I'd give your son a firm talking to about him saying this poor kid who has had his whole life turned upside down is now "boring'. I'd have sat my child down straight away for a long, horrible talk, if they'd said something so awful.

maddy68 · 19/12/2022 15:17

TBF although it's really sad for the boy you can't force a friendship. They have drifted as most teen friendships do. It's just harder on the boy.

The boy needs to find new friends which he has more in common with

SleeplessInEngland · 19/12/2022 15:18

It's a shit situation but no, don't invite the friend if your DS doesn't want him there. Encourage meetups after that if possible. It'd be one thing if they were 7 but they're 16.

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 19/12/2022 15:19

You can't force the friendship but it sounds like your DS needs a bit of an education in disability positivity. Might be worth a conversation about what is driving this, do you think he is struggling with it too, the idea that it could happen to him, a bit like being faced with his own mortality? Or is he self conscious about being seen with someone in a wheelchair? Or have they genuinely grown apart? There's some good tv and films with positive representations of disability if that's what he needs. It's an awkward age because as an adult it's easy to say you shouldn't care what people think, but 16 year olds do.

Poppyblush · 19/12/2022 15:19

speak to the mum to see what he could do….

sheepdogdelight · 19/12/2022 15:23

You can't force the friendship. I actually wonder if the disability is the real reason, or whether DS has simply moved onto other friends and isn't interested any more. The fact that DS has been really supportive up till now, makes me think he may just have moved on.
Either way, you need to let the boys sort it out. A 16 year old will not thank you for engineering his friendships.

amylou8 · 19/12/2022 15:26

You can't force him to be friends out of pity. It sounds like they may have drifted apart by now and made different friendship groups anyway. You've done your bit encouraging him, I think you need to step back and let him decide.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 19/12/2022 15:33

I understand everyone saying don’t force the friendship or that your son lacks empathy but could your son actually be scared. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be empathetic but he might be really scared and this lad might be struggling and telling your ds which is a lot for anyone to have on their shoulders. Could you do something as 2 families to try to take the pressure of them. Or maybe they have just grown apart. I had a boyfriend who ended up in a wheelchair and things did change I cared deeply for him but knew he’d never be the same, he went into a spiral of depression. I never finished with him he just blocked me, we were late teens so probably wouldn’t of worked anyway but I just never knew what mood he’d be in or how to support him. I would be able to support him now but not at 16.

TyphoonSpagoon · 19/12/2022 15:49

Your son has drifted from this friend, you’d be very unreasonable for pushing this when they are 16!!

Unsureofitall · 19/12/2022 15:53

This is so sad. I really feel for the other boy, I can't imagine how he feels being left out being in the wheelchair now. It's a hard one cause I don't think you can force your son to maintain a relationship with this boy if he's doesn't want to. Maybe try talking to your DS again about how other boy feels and plan something they may both find fun??? If he doesn't want to, in the end it's up to him tbh.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 16:37

He’s 16, not six. You can’t go around pushing him into play dates at that age.

Who's to say they wouldn’t have drifted apart anyway once they weren’t at school together anymore? Would you be involving yourself in your 16 year-old’s friendship if the friend wasn’t in a wheelchair? For all the comments about kindness and disability positivity here, it should be remembered that very few people enjoy pity invites. You don’t want your son treating this boy differently because he’s in a wheelchair, but you yourself are treating him differently because of it.

purpledalmation · 19/12/2022 16:50

As the parent of a wheelchair user, this is so sad. I can see both sides, but you do need to have a conversation with your son about care and empathy. Maybe ask the boys mum if she's looked into activities for her son where he can meet up with other kids

SnackyOnassis · 19/12/2022 17:15

I think a chat with your son is in order, as PPs have said - empathy is a muscle that needs exercising and it can get pretty slack in teenagers.
Might be worth digging into what it is that's boring in the friendship - is it possible that it's not the physical drawbacks that are the issue, but that they've run out of things to talk about as they've lost common ground by not being in school together etc?
Helping your son to think harder about why he's drifting away from his friend might help him to make an effort too, and you could offer to arrange a cinema trip or something for them where sitting down is the done thing anyway and takes the pressure off trying to force conversation from a cold start.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 19/12/2022 17:25

YABVU to invite the friend over - as is pointed out on dozens of other threads you can't force friendships despite the awful circumstances here. Plus as others have said it may cause more awkwardness than anything else.

But, YANBU to talk to your DS about possibly doing more to maintain this friendship but it's still ultimately down to him.

Original poster
sedon25181 · 19/12/2022 21:24

DS said he finds it boring as they can't do what they used to do. They usually play on the PlayStation now or build lego together which they both seemed to enjoy. DS still talks to him over face time so it isn't that they've drifted apart.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 19/12/2022 21:59

You cant force a friendship. I'd take a step back.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 20/12/2022 06:54

sedon25181 · 19/12/2022 21:24

DS said he finds it boring as they can't do what they used to do. They usually play on the PlayStation now or build lego together which they both seemed to enjoy. DS still talks to him over face time so it isn't that they've drifted apart.

Then it sounds like a little lesson in empathy is needed here. How awful.

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