To invite DS’s friend over anyway

[sedon25181]

DS is 16. He was best friends with another boy for years, last year he was involved in an accident but DS visited him in hospital often and when he was discharged he’d visit him at home. He was obviously off school so DS made other friends, and he's now in college so he's made more.

Just after DS started college I had a message from the boys mum saying he felt left out as DS was seeing his new friends much more so I spoke to DS and he started including him more in things although not everything as the boy is now in a wheelchair so can't do everything with them.

DS’s birthday is over Christmas so he's spending time with his friends now, on Saturday he went to a trampoline park with them. He said he'd do something different with the boy but when I suggested he invites his friend over today but he refused as they can't do a lot together like they used to and it's now boring, I've told him there's plenty of things they can do and when they see each other he doesn't seem bored.

WIBU to invite the friend over anyway?

Is it possible your son feels uncomfortable with his friend?

I feel awful about it now but I remember as a teenager being uncomfortable around people in wheelchairs and I can't even explain why. Thank god I outgrew that.

Could you try and have an open discussion with your son and see if there are reasons he doesn't want hang out rather than just being boring.

All of these grown adults saying your 16 year old needs a lesson in empathy could use one themselves. I think your son is probably struggling with the reality of his friend being in a wheelchair permanently, that is a huge thing for a young person to take in and he might not know how to handle it. The fact that he supported his mate through his hospital stay and is still happy talking over facetime etc suggests that he might struggle with the physicality or the permancy of it.

I would not invite his friend over after he has asked you not to. I would encourage him to continue the friendship but I would also talk to him about his own feelings regarding his friends accident. The best way to teach empathy is to show it, that means to your son as much as his friend.

In an ideal world this wouldn't happen but at his age I really don't see why parents are in involved

This happens even with adults. People become disabled and then their friends abandon them. It's very common. You can't force your son to go the opposite way of his friendship group and doing so would create an uncomfortable situation for everyone. But having a real chat about it all may make him see sense himself.

I agree that you can’t invite the lad without DS agreement- the fallout will be awful if he arrives and DS won’t engage or something.

But I do think that there are probably things which you could do to encourage. Pp has suggested offering to take them both to an activity. Or paying for a takeaway might help. Or suggest having the whole family over for a bbq?

Does the lad invite DS over to his? Does he suggest activities? Sometimes teens need some support to make relationships two-way and I’d imagine that would be more the case if they’d spent a long time in hospital.

Sorry op I don’t mean to sound harsh here but f it. Do not under any circumstances put that boy who is now in a wheelchair around your spiteful little brat, he will pick up on the fact your little delight won’t be happy he’s there!

Don't invite the boy over - this could cause your son to feel resentment and direct it at his friend, and push them apart.

Has the other boy also started college? Has he made new friends there too? It is natural for friendships to change at that stage, and it doesn't sound like they have fallen out. I would just keep encouraging your son to invite him over, but realistically they will spend less time together between not being in school together and the friend not being able to participate in lots of things your son will be (and should be) doing at his age.

Is there a chance that it's a combination of timing and circumstances?

Moving to college often means friendship dynamics change, teens spend more time with their peers from college, interests and hobbies shift. Your son might be being awful and exclusionary, or it might be that between school and college friendships often change.

It's probably hard for his friend to find that his friends have gone to college and are having a very different experience to him, especially if his plans might have changed substantial.

Try to talk with him and find out what's going on, but don't get involved in arranging okay dates for 16 year olds.