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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pushed my DS

48 replies

caget · 19/12/2022 09:49

I've got myself completely panicked and upset and just need to know if I'm overreacting and can calm down.

DS(5) has been challenging both at school/home for the first time in his life for the past month or so. His behaviour has been a bit difficult and we've struggled a bit but I'm aware of some of the factors causing it and we're working through it.

This morning, DS had a huge tantrum about something that was supposed to be fun (a little Christmas activity) when we were already late for school.
This resulted in him refusing to put his coat on/bag on and screaming while I tried to get DD ready.
I gave him the ultimatum that if he doesn't get ready, we won't be finishing the activity later (shouted this, which I try not to, but I've done way too much of recently).
He responded by (for the first time ever) hitting me while I was zipping up DD's coat.

Instinctively and unfortunately provoked, I responded by pushing him (quite hard) away from me. It wasn't hard enough to make him fall, but enough to make him stumble backwards and cry very upset while saying it hurt.
I was immediately so upset.

We sat down and apologised to each other and he expressed why he was actually upset about the original thing and I explained how unacceptable it was for him to hit while it was also so unacceptable for me to react like that too.

Now he's gone to school and all I can envision is him telling a teacher and him being took into care before Christmas or SS becoming involved with us.
I'm not sure if I'm catastrophising considering this hasn't happened before but I've just got myself so worked up, anxious and upset at myself.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 19/12/2022 09:51

You are not being unreasonable . It was an automatic reaction. He wasn’t hurt, he didn’t even fall over. Sounds like it shocked him and made him consider his behaviour OP, and perhaps he’ll think twice about hitting you again.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 19/12/2022 09:57

Deep breaths.

He is fine.

Nothing will come of this, ss won't even be considered.

It sounds like an overwhelming situation, and maybe you need some time to yourself?

Could your partner/ dc father take them for a few hours to give yourself some down time? This time of year is very full on, it's important to look after yourself and some time ti relax ( even just an hour or two) will likely help before heading into the festive madness.

But don't be too hard on yourself, we're all only human trying to do our best. And our best isn't always perfect, and that's okay.

Sickofcoughing · 19/12/2022 09:59

Aw big hugs OP. Myself and some of my female friends had a conversation about very similar stuff the other day. Once when DD was a baby I yelled at her because I was at the end of my tether with a medical symptom. She immediately stopped looking stunned then began to silently cry. It was a horrendous feeling realising I had scared her. All the women had a similar story - one had slapped her daughter back.

The important thing IMO is how we react. We know it's wrong, we know we lost control. We get enough of a fright to not do it again.

Don't worry. If school does call you, just be honest, say he pushed you and you pushed back but it was harder than you intended and he fell back accidentally and gave you a terrible shock. You're not a threat to him, don't worry.

Original poster
caget · 19/12/2022 09:59

@Teaandcrumpets95 you're 100% right. I feel completely overwhelmed and with such a lack of time, I just feel like I'm never getting a breather from that feeling. I'm definitely going to try ASAP to get some time

OP posts:
SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 09:59

I think most people have probably reacted in ways they regret with their child at some point in time. We aren’t superhuman.
You have apologised and explained to him that it was wrong and that’s really important.
Don’t beat yourself up.

MolliciousIntent · 19/12/2022 10:02

Honestly, I think it's completely understandable that you pushed him. The one and only time my DD hit me, I physically threw her off me. It's a physical reflex you have very limited control over. It's also an excellent lesson for small children in what happens if you hit people.

BMW6 · 19/12/2022 10:03

Well he's learned a valuable lesson - if he hits people they will sometimes react. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 19/12/2022 10:05

@caget could you handover bedtime duties tonight? I'd go on a long walk (music/podcast/audio book) then have a relaxing evening. Ignore outstanding housework it can wait and just chill, put your feet up watch a feel good movie, maybe even have a nice hot bath and a bar of chocolate.

The small things make a difference, even if it's just sitting down with a cuppa for 10 mins everyday to scroll on your phone it's good to switch off.

Stressedmum2017 · 19/12/2022 10:11

Don't beat yourself up, as horrible as you feel about it. All you can do now is figure out a way to try and dial back on the stress right now(and that's not easy either).

Sounds like you were super stressed, overwhelmed, just keeping it together by a thread and at that moment you were physically lashed out at and reacted. You are human not a robot. I am sure you didn't think to yourself 'right I'm going to push him now' first, it just happened before you even thought anything at all.
You did the best thing you can do which was explain your feelings on both sides and apologise to each other.

GoT1904 · 19/12/2022 10:14

I once accidentally backhanded my DS in the face in his toddler years!! I was washing up and he bit me on my thigh, I was so shocked and before thinking I swung my arm around to get whatever was on me, off. It was like swatting a fly or bee that stung me or something. The unfortunate reality was that I backhanded him right in his face 😂 your DS will be okay. I know you feel awful, I did too. Xx

IAmTheFire · 19/12/2022 10:14

“Instinctively” pushing a 5YO who is much smaller than you and your child is something that needs exploring. If it were a taller, stronger teenager who walloped you, hurt you, I would understand.

Jellycats4life · 19/12/2022 10:16

I think many, many parents will have instinctively reacted in similar ways. He wasn’t hurt. Don’t worry about it.

Theunamedcat · 19/12/2022 10:17

Look logically your son might have learned the lesson that violent behaviour solves nothing just don't make it a habit of it and you will be fine

AbreathofFrenchair · 19/12/2022 10:21

caget · 19/12/2022 09:49

I've got myself completely panicked and upset and just need to know if I'm overreacting and can calm down.

DS(5) has been challenging both at school/home for the first time in his life for the past month or so. His behaviour has been a bit difficult and we've struggled a bit but I'm aware of some of the factors causing it and we're working through it.

This morning, DS had a huge tantrum about something that was supposed to be fun (a little Christmas activity) when we were already late for school.
This resulted in him refusing to put his coat on/bag on and screaming while I tried to get DD ready.
I gave him the ultimatum that if he doesn't get ready, we won't be finishing the activity later (shouted this, which I try not to, but I've done way too much of recently).
He responded by (for the first time ever) hitting me while I was zipping up DD's coat.

Instinctively and unfortunately provoked, I responded by pushing him (quite hard) away from me. It wasn't hard enough to make him fall, but enough to make him stumble backwards and cry very upset while saying it hurt.
I was immediately so upset.

We sat down and apologised to each other and he expressed why he was actually upset about the original thing and I explained how unacceptable it was for him to hit while it was also so unacceptable for me to react like that too.

Now he's gone to school and all I can envision is him telling a teacher and him being took into care before Christmas or SS becoming involved with us.
I'm not sure if I'm catastrophising considering this hasn't happened before but I've just got myself so worked up, anxious and upset at myself.

Social Services aren't going to take him and there's zero chance of them getting involved.

Most will be if he says something at school, the Teacher will ask you and it will be noted as a concern for safeguarding. It doesnt get recorded anywhere outside of the school.

The only time it runs the chance of escalation is if he repeatedly went in and said you were pushing/hurting him.

Ginsloth · 19/12/2022 10:31

Don’t beat yourself up about this, use it to come up with a way you will deal with it if the situation arises again.

I have to say, without you going into detail
about what activity you were doing, I don’t think before school is the time to be doing a Christmas activity that needs to be finished later. Bringing a fun activity into a time where you need to be getting ready and have time constraints doesn’t seem particularly wise. Obviously his behaviour still wasn’t acceptable but could it be that he was struggling with the before school routine being turned on it’s head?

Original poster
caget · 19/12/2022 10:34

@Ginsloth yeah, you have a point. It was an Elf on the Shelf treasure hunt that might've been best saved for a weekend night

OP posts:
Ginsloth · 19/12/2022 10:37

@caget that sounds like brilliant fun. But yes, maybe not before school. Whenever my son has a bit of a meltdown/tantrum I try to reflect on how we got there. Sometimes, it can’t be helped, but a lot of the time it’s when we’ve done something that’s caused overwhelm or confusion. Which is hard when we’ve tried to do something nice or fun. I just remind myself that they find it hard to control and understand their emotions, so we shouldn’t take is personally.

dwightkurtschrute · 19/12/2022 10:38

So your first reaction was to violently push a small child?.. Yeah you need to work on that.. If he does tell a teacher that will be a safeguarding report.

Maray1967 · 19/12/2022 10:39

SendMyMILIntoSpaceOneWayTicket · 19/12/2022 09:59

I think most people have probably reacted in ways they regret with their child at some point in time. We aren’t superhuman.
You have apologised and explained to him that it was wrong and that’s really important.
Don’t beat yourself up.

Exactly . I smacked my DS on the leg when he was 3 when he pulled my hair really hard when resisting going in the car seat. He’s 22 now - don’t think he can remember it.
He cried and said sorry , I said sorry and took a deep breath. Not my finest moment but I worked out how to avoid ending up in that situation again. Hopefully he’ll think about why it’s wrong to hit you. I don’t think it harms kids to have a slight shock when they have behaved badly.

Phos · 19/12/2022 10:39

Don't beat yourself up, it happens and he wasn't hurt. It happened with me and my DD (also 5) a few weeks ago when she was being a pain about getting dressed and got in my face making me jump.

Ginsloth · 19/12/2022 10:44

dwightkurtschrute · 19/12/2022 10:38

So your first reaction was to violently push a small child?.. Yeah you need to work on that.. If he does tell a teacher that will be a safeguarding report.

It wasn’t a violent push, it wasn’t even hard enough to knock him over. It was wrong. The OP knows it was wrong. But she wasn’t acting violently towards her son, she reacted instinctively to being hurt.

whattodo1975 · 19/12/2022 10:52

If the child's dad had done this.....

JustATShirtInTheKitchen · 19/12/2022 10:54

You need to get help. If you’ve done it once, you’re capable of doing it again so you need to ensure that won’t happen. Despite what everyone is saying, this isn’t normal, it doesn’t just happen and I would hope most parents haven’t done this. You’ve done it now though so the best you can do is make sure you get the help so it doesn’t happen again. You have to be able to control your anger with children as they will test your patience over the years.

Phos · 19/12/2022 10:57

I posted in haste and having a think now. How hard was quite hard? I think there is a difference between a push that could send a kid flying or a gentle push to move them away from you.

MolliciousIntent · 19/12/2022 10:59

IAmTheFire · 19/12/2022 10:14

“Instinctively” pushing a 5YO who is much smaller than you and your child is something that needs exploring. If it were a taller, stronger teenager who walloped you, hurt you, I would understand.

Physical assault generally provokes an instinctive physical reaction, regardless of assailant.