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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I pushed my DS

48 replies

caget · 19/12/2022 09:49

I've got myself completely panicked and upset and just need to know if I'm overreacting and can calm down.

DS(5) has been challenging both at school/home for the first time in his life for the past month or so. His behaviour has been a bit difficult and we've struggled a bit but I'm aware of some of the factors causing it and we're working through it.

This morning, DS had a huge tantrum about something that was supposed to be fun (a little Christmas activity) when we were already late for school.
This resulted in him refusing to put his coat on/bag on and screaming while I tried to get DD ready.
I gave him the ultimatum that if he doesn't get ready, we won't be finishing the activity later (shouted this, which I try not to, but I've done way too much of recently).
He responded by (for the first time ever) hitting me while I was zipping up DD's coat.

Instinctively and unfortunately provoked, I responded by pushing him (quite hard) away from me. It wasn't hard enough to make him fall, but enough to make him stumble backwards and cry very upset while saying it hurt.
I was immediately so upset.

We sat down and apologised to each other and he expressed why he was actually upset about the original thing and I explained how unacceptable it was for him to hit while it was also so unacceptable for me to react like that too.

Now he's gone to school and all I can envision is him telling a teacher and him being took into care before Christmas or SS becoming involved with us.
I'm not sure if I'm catastrophising considering this hasn't happened before but I've just got myself so worked up, anxious and upset at myself.

OP posts:

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 19/12/2022 11:00

Haven't the schools broken up for Christmas already?

EndlessRain1 · 19/12/2022 11:07

Something similar happened to me during lockdown. DS was younger than yours as well. I was trying to do an exercise video and he kept attacking me while I was doing floor exercises and I pushed him off me quite hard. He fell back and although wasn't hurt he was shocked I had done that. I felt fucking awful about it, it was 100% me losing my temper with him. I struggled to be stuck in the house with the kids all day (juggling work too, DH working outside the house), and at that moment I felt so frustrated I couldn't get a couple of minuts to get some exercise.

But it's no excuse is it? We are adults, they are children. I took it as an absolutely defining moment for me, that something had to change because there was no way I was ok with me losing my temper and pushing a toddler, that's just disgraceful. After that I took at long hard look at myself, and how we were coping with lockdown and made some changes. I would suggest you do the same if you are at the level of stress where you end up pushing a 5 year old.

Lollypop701 · 19/12/2022 11:08

Hard pushed to see that any parent has always been perfect op. my toddler but me so hard he drew blood , not the first time he had bitten me. I bit him back (no marks and not hard) he looked shocked as I don’t think he knew it hurt. Never bit me again… didn’t stop him biting other kids though 🙄I cried about my behaviour for a week.. he’s 19 and doesn’t remember it. I still feel ashamed, and learnt my own lesson that day… walk away.

Lolacat1234 · 19/12/2022 11:12

My 3 year old bit my leg once and it hurt, I was so shocked and instinctive reaction to the hurt was to push her away from me, she stumbled and fell on her bottom. She cried and we both apologised and no harm done. It's fine, none of us are perfect parents x

Notplayingball · 19/12/2022 11:14

You know you were in the wrong and apologised before parting ways this morning. Try not to worry.

I have shouted at all of my DC when I have been overwhelmed. Not so much these days as they are older but at that age it's easy done when you are under pressure to get out the door for a set time.

Deep breaths. You have both learnt a lesson from this incident today 💐

bloodywhitecat · 19/12/2022 11:18

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 19/12/2022 11:00

Haven't the schools broken up for Christmas already?

In some areas yes but not in others, DD is a teacher and they don't break up until Wed in her county.

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/12/2022 11:22

Haven't the schools broken up for Christmas already?

Why do some people post this? I see it in loads of threads and it's never relevant.

CanofCant · 19/12/2022 11:27

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 19/12/2022 11:00

Haven't the schools broken up for Christmas already?

Not until Friday for us.

TofuonToast · 19/12/2022 11:30

MolliciousIntent · 19/12/2022 10:02

Honestly, I think it's completely understandable that you pushed him. The one and only time my DD hit me, I physically threw her off me. It's a physical reflex you have very limited control over. It's also an excellent lesson for small children in what happens if you hit people.

Same. Bitten by ds, 3 at the time, and I reflexively flung him off!

Singleandproud · 19/12/2022 11:30

Some children really, really struggle with transitions between school and the school holidays with Christmas being the most challenging one. Everyone is tired and run down, it's cold and dark, less trips to the park to burn off energy, a complete loss of regular structure at school and home as suddenly Christmas events take priority.

It sounds like with your young child it could be this that also contributes to his change in behaviour. In our house I found it best to keep Elf on the Shelf activities strictly to the weekends (ours wrote a letter saying he had been promoted and had to visit the other Elves and make sure they were doing their job during the week). Then when we broke up from school had at least a day if not two to decompress, keeping some structure such as meal times then we did the more Christmas's activities.

As for being put into care this would barely make the threshold of being recorded. If a child who was otherwise well looked after with no other injuries or bruising told me their parent pushed them I'd record it, someone might have a chat with the DC and find out they'd bitten you and you'd reacted or chat with you but that would be it. We are far more concerned with the children with no coats, who are very thin and pale, not getting hot (or any) meals, those who behave in an overly sexualised manner for their age, are regularly violent, or regularly bruised and injured.

Singleandproud · 19/12/2022 11:32

Also my mum once slapped my thigh so hard out of reflex that it left a massive handprint, I remember it but I don't blame her, I had put my freezing cold hands on her back which I knew she hated to get a reaction. I deserved what I got. It was the only time I was ever hit and it wasn't on purpose.

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/12/2022 11:39

Sorry it might be a "norm" but I don't think it's okay and I do think you should look at some positive parenting techniques.

This comes from someone who has learned those techniques over the years.

Ginsloth · 19/12/2022 11:44

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/12/2022 11:39

Sorry it might be a "norm" but I don't think it's okay and I do think you should look at some positive parenting techniques.

This comes from someone who has learned those techniques over the years.

Not one PP has said it’s okay. People have shared experiences where they’ve done similar and expressed regret or how they’ve learnt from it. No one has said it’s ok.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 11:46

Oh OP I am the most gentle parent ever and believe strongly that this is the right way to parent but I've done something similiar in the moment before. He wasn't hurt and you apologised and acknowledged it wasn't acceptable. He's fine. You're stressed but you're fine too. You're human.

Mariposista · 19/12/2022 11:46

Stop beating yourself up. His behaviour was appalling and you reacted instinctively to him thumping you. He needs to grow up and use his words, bot his hands if he’s not happy about something or miss out on fun altogether.

Crystaly · 19/12/2022 11:48

It’s fine. Relax he’s ok

teekay88 · 19/12/2022 12:03

Hey I am usually quite lazy at replying but have been in a similar situation to you recently and know that gut wrenching guilt feeling. I have a 4yo who has had v challenging behaviour over last 6ms, hitting kicking slapping throwing heavy things at me across the room, major meltdowns and generally huge tantrums. I admit like you that I haven't always handled this brilliantly. I too am aware of factors causing it and am making a real effort to persevere with a more patient approach because I know (when I'm feeling calm and resilient enough) that that works best

However I have been far more shouty parent recently than I ever expected to be (I'm generally quite a placid person so it has shocked me) and on a couple of occasions my little boy has hurt me so badly (punching in face/back) that I've instinctively reacted by putting him on bed away from me more roughly than I'd have liked and I can tell it upset him. It made me feel awful atm and I too worried about him being scarred but I can't emphasize enough the power of repair in that situation. I've found that by taking ownership apologizing unreservedly (no buts) for how I was and explaining why (angry but it's not his fault he's a child and it's mummy's job to keep calm) that that goes a long way. As a child I remember that neither of my parents ever apologized and I still remember that so I think it can be really repairing to see your mum or dad do so even at a young age.

The next thing of course is to ensure it doesn't happen again. For me I've had to practice a lot of self care and proactive planning to prempt when the behaviours are most likely to happen and give myself someone to debrief to so that I get rid of the adrenaline etc

Don't beat yourself up too much. If it's genuinely a one off and you repair your son will be fine. Should school raise it I echo others that being honest is best approach. I don't think this meets the threshold for a serious concern they would probably just be obliged to raise with you and your honesty will go a long way

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/12/2022 12:05

BMW6 · 19/12/2022 10:03

Well he's learned a valuable lesson - if he hits people they will sometimes react. Don't beat yourself up over it.

This 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

caget · 19/12/2022 12:24

Thank you to everyone who has took the time to reply!
I'm starting to calm down now but I'm just feeling so gutted with myself for my reaction still. Parenting is hard sometimes.

OP posts:

Cheeeeislifenow · 19/12/2022 12:33

Not one PP has said it’s okay. People have shared experiences where they’ve done similar and expressed regret or how they’ve learnt from it. No one has said it’s ok

I didn't say they did?? I too am sharing an experience and offered advice.

K8ate · 21/05/2023 18:40

Peashoots · 19/12/2022 09:51

You are not being unreasonable . It was an automatic reaction. He wasn’t hurt, he didn’t even fall over. Sounds like it shocked him and made him consider his behaviour OP, and perhaps he’ll think twice about hitting you again.

I wonder if your opinion would be the same if it was her dh that had pushed her, causing her to nearly fall over and saying it had hurt her?

KarmaStar · 21/05/2023 22:10

It's not instinctive to lash out at a small child.
Anyone who is badly hurt by someone may respond in anger but all the time you're assessing the situation subconsciously.
Saying you've apologised and are being mollycoddled on here does not make it right however bad you say you feel.
what are you actually going to do to stop yourself next time?
stop worrying about ss and start thinking about how you respond in the future.

Itwasnaeme · 21/05/2023 22:13

Well it's 5 months later so hopefully things have moved on

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