Please help me get through the holidays! DS doesn't cope without routine.

[dinoprincesses]

DS (just turned 4) is normally in nursery full time (8.30 am - 2.30pm 5 days a week) he loves it and thrives with the routine. I've posted about issues with behaviour that we've had before. He only ever shows the challenging behaviour at home, he's really well behaved at nursery all the time.

He is under paediatrics, pre school forum etc and receives extra funding for nursery due to a severe speech delay. We have to really fight to get support for behavioural issues because obviously they are only witnessed by us or extended family, never by nursery.

So my issue at the moment is that as soon as a school holiday comes around it completely disturbs his routine and things become awful. This morning I've already been hit 6 times, kicked, he's thrown his cup of water all over the floor, pulled everything off the kitchen top and smacked his sibling. All this because he has been told no to things. For more context one of the times he hit me was because I told him it wasn't time to get up at 4.30am.

I know this is all because he struggles without his normal daily routine but I'm dreading the next two weeks because I know it will just get worse. I can try and put some sort of routine in but honestly it won't help as it will still be different to what he is used to. Does anybody have any tips of what we can do to make things easier?

Just to add I feel awful writing this post as I don't want it to come across in a totally negative way, I love my DS with all my heart and he can be such a loving, cuddly, funny little boy but he just has struggles with some things.

No real advice but I massively sympathise - mine only eats at nursery and is off for two weeks. He will eat next to nothing and won’t sleep as a result dreading it.

Do any day nurseries near you have holiday clubs that he would go to or would that disrupt him even more? Other than that could you do a plan together of what will happen everyday with some little pictures or something just so he knows?

@Needfoodsupport so sorry to hear your little one will be struggling too!

@Newuser82 that would probably unsettle him even more unfortunately. I do have a now and next board at home, he's never really been interested in it before but I think I'm going to try and use it a lot over the holidays and see if that helps

Could you make your own little routine for home?
just an example:
Get up and get dressed straight away
Go downstairs for breakfast/milk/something if her doesn’t eat
30 mins tv cuddle together
An activity/game/Lego
Get out the house

repeat every morning

only a suggestion.

Visual timetables might really help. One for the whole week or fortnight so he can see the outline of the holidays, and then a really detailed one for each day. Using a velcro strip so he can take each thing off as it's finished is good. And run through them with him several times a day so he really understands what each picture means.

@TheOtherWayAround ideally this is what I will try and do but we have different plans most days they are off so I think it's going to be a struggle.

@Bubbleswithsqueak this is a really good idea thank you! I only have a now and next board so it only has two spaces on it but I think I'll try and make a bigger daily/week one today so that he can see what we will be doing and it might help settle him a bit.

I was just coming on to recommend this. You might find there will be stuff you can copy off the internet (twinkl) or buy from Amazon.

I would definitely try and come up with some kind of routine for home that you also carry on at weekends when he's back at nursery. Can you involve him in deciding the routine and then talk to him about things before they happen so he starts to remember this is what comes next.

I have a slightly similar 4yo, but not to this extent. I try to limit the times i say no, without actually giving in to tye request. Eg Mummy I want crisps now please - instead of saying no I will say oh my goodness I forgot to tell you something super exciting and then I'll wing it and think something up very quickly and then distract with something else like giving her a duster to do some dusting. With less no's and more distractions things seem to go better for us. If she does have a meltdown over something I will agree with her eg she's upset because she wants to watch TV now and I've said no not now we need to tidy up, I will say "you want to watch TV, OK you can watch TV, you can watch TV, would you like to watch TV, OK you can but first we need to tidy up and then we can watch tv". She seems to only hear the no and I find switching it back on her and repeating it back to her lots helps.

Social stories may help.

That's where you make a little book about simple things that seem challenging. You could do a nursery/holidays one. It would be something like-
This is Johnny. (Photo).
Johnny loves going to nursery. (Photo).
Some days nursery is closed for holidays (photo of nursery with a closed sign across the door), so Johnny stays home with mummy daddy and baby Fred.
Johnny can wear his favourite home clothes (photo)
Johnny can eat his favourite home dinner (photo)
Johnny can watch tv

After the holidays Johnny will go to nursery again (photo)

Etc etc etc.

Basically it prepares 'Johnny' for things that are different, reassures him that nursery will happen again.

Look them up online to see examples.

You're a step ahead because you've worked out a trigger. Now you just need to help him work it out! Timetables, structure, reminding him that it's ok to be upset about the change, but he doesn't need to worry because next week etc....

Also, visual countdown till nursery starts again- 15 marbles in a jar, take one out every day, when the jar is nearly empty we'll go to nursery again, type stuff.

Quicker than buying (and waiting for delivery!) for a board, is just to draw images on paper or a whiteboard.

We use a whiteboard at the start of each day here, sketch out what we expect to happen and then either rub it off or tick it once we’ve done it. We found a whiteboard best as my son understands that a whiteboard is designed to be changed. When it was printed or written it felt more permanent, and was then more stressful if something changed.

good luck!

We had a proper visual time table, laminated squares with Velcro on the back (this was pre tablets) also we had a communication board plus we taught dd sign language (well school did) as her speech didn't start until 4

Do you think he might play "nursery" with some soft toys? Both my DD and my niece drew some comfort from lining them up and ordering them about. "It's snack time now teddies!" You could draw up a schedule for them.

Thank you for all the suggestions, they are really helpful. This morning has been so difficult already, it's not even 9am and he's just really hurt his sister and is now running round laughing refusing to listen and throwing anything in sight.
I'm definitely going to try and get the routines written down this morning so that we can try and get him a bit calmer. I just don't know how I'm going to cope with this behaviour for two whole weeks! It's really difficult trying to not lose my temper when something is happening constantly.
I think I'm also going to write down everything that happens over the holidays so we have more 'proof' for the paediatrician that he really struggles with different situations.

My ds is autistic and very routine driven. I've found that having 1 routine for school and 1 for holidays/weekends works best. We stick to the same morning routine for both only an hour later on holidays and have set things to do on set days that don't change so on a Saturday we see family and on a Sunday its a lazy at home. Mondays is a walk in the woods, Tuesday we go to a massive play park, Wednesdays we meet a friend (who also has ASD) and so on.
He's 13 now and holidays are so much easier than when he was at nursery because we stuck to the routine and he knows what to expect and just switch from the term time board to the holiday board as and when necessary. It was hard work to start with and does mean that we never go away for a holiday but it's worth it for us

@gogohmm he doesn't really enjoy pretend play unfortunately so I don't think he would do that.
@Phineyj he does know some sign so we try to use that as much as possible to help him communicate. He gets so frustrated when people don't understand him or what he's trying to tell us so I do feel really bad for him!

@Hoardasurass this sounds exactly what he needs. Even weekends are hard work because he doesn't like the change so if we had one for weekends/holidays I think this would really help him

I was going to suggest a weekend / holidays routine that is different to nursery.

Also can you do a count down? A bit late now but a timetable with a count down to holidays and I suppose now a count down to nursery.

What is he like when given a choice? So instead of telling him to get dressed you offer him a choice of clothes.

@sashh choices work well with him in some instances such as asking him where he wants to sit at the table for dinner etc and can help stop big tantrums. It wouldn't work with getting dressed though as he has a real thing about clothes at the moment. I know this sounds awful but we've been having to let him sleep in the clothes he's had on during the day some nights because he gets so distressed at having to get changed. He will just scream and scream that he wants to keep the clothes he's got on, on. Sometimes it's easier just to agree so he doesn't get himself so worked up he won't sleep!

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Op when you have a nd child, anything goes. My autistic boy will spend most of the week at home wearing nothing but a soft blanket

Try limiting choices to two options, eg “do you want to sit here or there?” rather than “where do you want to sit?”

Also give warnings about transitions.
“we will be leaving in 2 minutes, so have your last go on xxx”

Clothes - feel inside for seams, labels, textures and you might be able to work out what’s bothering him or what kind of clothes he finds easier to wear.

I would be careful to avoid over planning days to try to avoid problems, for many neurotypical children becoming over stimulated can make things so much harder.

ds is autistic and we have found that keeping things simple and clear is the best way. Not easy but easier.

I can’t add to the good advice except re-enforce the visual timetable really did help my DD when she was 4. And lots of sympathy..! I still partially dread holidays due to change in routine and how difficult my now 11yr gets. She is autistic but at main stream school, always been very verbal. It’s still really hard work and we still use a whiteboard plus calendar plus talk through options for each day.

I’ve had to learn not to plan much at all for the first 3-5days of any Halfterm as she just needs very limited social interaction to decompress from life in general and recharge but still needs structure to her day. As your sons ‘safe’ person you’re getting both barrels of his mental overload I hope you can find systems that work for both of you. I have often texted my DH to say I need to escape the house for a run or walk the minute he gets home just to decompress myself ready to cope with evening routine. Just 30-45mins to get fresh air and head space.

OP it does get easier, his understanding will improve.

Like PPs we have a holiday routine and we're really clear about what is the same and what's different. I would try to give the days some consistent structure as much as you can with breakfast, bedtimes etc, and fit days out etc around them. Even if you're getting up early one day for a long day out, you can still present it as a riff on the "holiday normal" and use it to reinforce the underlying holiday routine.

Every holiday we put up a whiteboard with aims such as seeing friends, go for a walk, go swimming, and we cross them off as we do them. Each holiday is a combination of regular stuff like breakfast, normal weekend routine on weekend days and "events" that we cross off the list.

We find food based treats quite helpful - each holiday starts with chocolate cereal for breakfast, we have hot chocolate at 4pm etc - but of course it's a judgement call between instigating a new routine and keeping the termtime one.