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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this reaction was awful?

31 replies

Madisonave03 · 18/12/2022 12:21

My mum and step dad, siblings and their partners were due to visit us today before Christmas, they live an hour away and we don't see a lot of them (maybe 2-3 times a year so not the closest of relationships) whenever they come it's like safety in numbers because they always come together which I don't mind but it makes scheduling a date more difficult and can be overwhelming for DC as 7 adults he doesn't know very well all here in one go. We've recently moved house and I know my mum was very excited to see it but she has also not seen my DC since May. This morning I phoned my mum to say we've not slept last night because our DC was poorly in the night and this morning they are still poorly. I phoned as they were getting ready to set off. I didn't say they shouldn't come I only wanted to warn her but she said they would come anyway but not stay long, she didn't show any concern for DC either and couldn't hide her annoyance in her tone of voice. Fast forward 10 min and she phones back to say she has spoken to my step dad and they are not going to come but she made a point of saying how disappointing it is and that they have gifts. I offered to drive over and pick them up when convenient but she said no because it's not the same as being able to visit the new house. All the while she showed little empathy for DC and it seemed to me they were only really annoyed because they couldn't come to the new house. I offered a couple of other dates to come but this didn't fit in with them either. Came off the phone feeling quite disappointed in her uncaring reaction. Then about half an hour later DC started to pick up a bit (after Calpol) and I felt guilty so I phoned again to let her know. She seemed keen to still come but needed to check with siblings/my step dad as "really wants to see DC" then she sends me a text message 5 min later today siblings have gone back to bed now and they will just come in the new year and it was such a shame because they were all ready to leave when I phoned at 9am. She's made me feel like IWBU for phoning about him being poorly. Fair enough they were about to leave but I held off because I thought he would improve and I wasn't even ringing to cancel I just wanted to let them know he'd not be himself today. AIBU to be upset by her response?

OP posts:
Original poster
Madisonave03 · 18/12/2022 12:50

Additionally DC had scarlet fever a couple of weeks ago and has never been so poorly and it was a hellish time of no sleep and worry. When I told my mum she didn't text for an update for a whole week. By the time she messaged me he was nearly fully recovered. Whereas other family like MIL text me every day to see how he was.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 18/12/2022 12:54

Shitty family! How far away do they live?

JosephFrancis · 18/12/2022 12:54

Their annoyance at your genuine phonecall is their issue. Not yours. You offered accommodations, they didn't want them. You've done what you can. Their bitterness is theirs to process

Beyondshit · 18/12/2022 12:55

What kind of reaction should she have had? You said DC were poorly but they can't have been that poorly if they were then suddenly ok...

If you thought it significant enough to 'warn' them before coming - what reaction did you expect? It's reasonable they assumed you wanted them to cancel. Or why would you bother telling them?

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 18/12/2022 12:57

I agree they should have shown some concern for your ill DC.

I can understand them not wanting to visit with a poorly child in the house - they wouldn't want to risk catching whatever he has. I can also understand some frustration at being ready to leave and then the visit being called off - and then when you rang to say your DC was feeling better, they'd got out of the mode of being ready to go, which is a shame but no one's fault really.

Original poster
Madisonave03 · 18/12/2022 12:57

@Poppyblush They live 50 miles away (about an hour's drive)
@JosephFrancis thank you, I needed to read that

OP posts:
Muddywaters1 · 18/12/2022 13:00

I think this is a small issue in comparison to your mum not having seen her grandchild for 7 months when there has been no fall out. How old is DC?

Oldraver · 18/12/2022 13:01

Sorry but they are piss poor gp's if one visit in 9 months is such a effort,

They don't seem to be bothered by the dc's at all

Original poster
Madisonave03 · 18/12/2022 13:04

@Beyondshit tbh DC still quite poorly and it's right that they haven't come. I get your point but phoned again because DC seemed to liven up a bit and I felt guilty. You ask what reaction she should have had? She should have put her disappointment aside to show some compassion for a grandchild she's not seen since May. She just shows little interest and more interested in seeing new house than seeing DC I felt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madisonave03 · 18/12/2022 13:13

@Muddywaters1 DC is three. Its their only grandchild. There's been no recent fall out but they are the type of people who like things on their terms only. I am mid 30s now but I moved out at age 19 after I felt over controlled which did not go down very well and the relationship never fully recovered. Its like an elephant in the room! Its not much of a relationship but we do these tick box thrice yearly visits nevertheless!

OP posts:
Lost123454 · 18/12/2022 13:25

Your mother lives one hour away and she hasn't seen your child since May

One hour is a very small amount of time, its not an excuse in my book

TofuonToast · 18/12/2022 13:30

I don’t understand why your dc would be overwhelmed by 7 adults. Do you not leave the house? Sorry this sounds like PFB nonsense.

PeaceJoySleep · 18/12/2022 13:30

I can see why they were disappointed, it's the week before christmas, they got up early, they had their presents bought and wrapped and you phoned to say 'don't come, or do come, if you want'. That's so ungracious. They were coming to see you too, and the rest of the family, and your house, and they had blocked off the day to spend with family in your new house and you said ''em, baby's a bit sick''. Then you messed them around later by saying ''actually, come now''.

You can do what you want to do and you feel annoyed that they had a reaction to that but their reaction was DISAPPOINTMENT and you're being very unreasonable not to recognise that.

Original poster
Madisonave03 · 18/12/2022 13:49

@PeaceJoySleep I do recognise the disappointment actually. In hindsight ringing back was a mistake but if that was me and my dd phoned me up to say DC was poorly especially after recent scarlet fever he has had, I would be more concerned and put my disappointment to one side. I am always flexible and fit around them. For instance, it was originally last weekend they were coming but she asked to change because my brother couldn't make it.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 18/12/2022 13:57

They do sound shit, and not checking in when your DC had scarlet fever is bad, especially ATM.

However in this case I think YABU. I think when you're hosting a big family get-together it's a case of the show must go on, unless it's something like a vomiting bug or someone is vulnerable. With normal childhood illnesses I think it's more of a case of giving them a heads up but assuming everyone will go ahead as normal.

pictoosh · 18/12/2022 13:58

Well I'm going to say that your initial call this morning wasn't exactly brimming over with enthusiasm for the visit was it? It's like you wanted to cancel and were using your child's illness as an excuse to have them do it for you. 'Come if you must.'

Not surprised they cooled right off.

Pismascrescents · 18/12/2022 14:00

She was really excited to see you and you let her down. Simple.

WickedWangoCard · 18/12/2022 14:04

It's likely you annoyed with the "don't come" and then half an hour later "lol actually yeah do come". It doesn't come across as though you have a genuinely unwell child which I suspect was picked up in the first phonecall, hence your perceived lack of concern, since you know your DC isn't really unwell.

If your children haven't seen their grandparents in months and they're only an hour away it's a little unreasonable on both parts.

I see why you feel the way you do, but I think I'm inclined toward YABU, I'm afraid.

MrsCarson · 18/12/2022 14:06

YABU You're the one that put a stop t the day.

CustardCreamm · 18/12/2022 14:13

Seems to me you couldn't be bothered with them visiting, so you used your DC as an excuse.

Aprilx · 18/12/2022 14:19

Your phone call to them as they were leaving very much sounded like you were telling them not to come. And then you said you would drive over to collect presents, how rude! Sounds like you only wanted presents. I think this one is all on you and I am not surprised your family are pissed off.

As for not seeing you regularly, well it is 50 miles both ways. But some families don’t see each other regularly and generally I don’t think any side is more e than the other in that respect.

Autumninnewyork · 18/12/2022 14:20

OP you haven’t done anything wrong. Can you imagine the bitching and condemnation if you hadn’t called to warn your mum that your child was ill? And had just let everyone show up to your house and risk catching it

miawallace33 · 18/12/2022 14:24

Absolutely bonkers replies here. You phoned to warn them and they made the choice not to come. It's the sensible thing to do. If you'd let them come without saying anything and they'd all got poorly right before Christmas no doubt they'd be pissed off with you then as well. You can't please some people.

I do think it's poor that they haven't seen their grandchildren since may. Why do they all have to come together? Sounds bizarre.

Aprilx · 18/12/2022 14:36

miawallace33 · 18/12/2022 14:24

Absolutely bonkers replies here. You phoned to warn them and they made the choice not to come. It's the sensible thing to do. If you'd let them come without saying anything and they'd all got poorly right before Christmas no doubt they'd be pissed off with you then as well. You can't please some people.

I do think it's poor that they haven't seen their grandchildren since may. Why do they all have to come together? Sounds bizarre.

Not bonkers at all. She didn’t just warn them, she made a point about them all being up all night and that child was still poorly. I think a very large proportion of people would take the elephant size hint and postpone. And not everybody is terrified about being in the same house as a child with a bug.

miawallace33 · 18/12/2022 14:43

@Aprilx ok so what's the excuse for them turning down the multiple alternatives op suggested? She didn't even cancel, they did. Without even bothering to ask how the children were. But yes of course the op is the unreasonable one here