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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Didn’t attend a funeral, AIBU?

28 replies

thedancingbee · 18/12/2022 11:35

Hi - ok will start with some context here.
In September a childhood friend’s mum passed away suddenly - we are not close at all now but we were close growing up so I reached out to her and sent her a message etc.

The funeral was a couple of weeks later and unfortunately I couldn’t get the time off approved from work so I was unable to attend. As I was unable to go I asked my mum to go on my behalf and she did.

Fast forward to last night and I was on a Xmas night out with my girlfriends.

The friend whose mum passed away came up to me and took me away to have a chat. She proceeded to tell me she was so disappointed I wasn’t at the funeral and I should have been there as we were good friends growing up - this conversation lasted for about 30 mins. I found this really difficult and quite upsetting, I really didn’t know what to say. To top it off while we were talking, her sister then came up to us both and she said don’t speak to her she’s not a real friend and they both left. I felt like the worst person in the world.

I wouldn’t for 1 second say we are friends now, we WERE childhood friends - I couldn’t make it to the funeral my mum went on my behalf…. AIBU?

OP posts:

picnicshicnic · 18/12/2022 11:37

No, I wouldn't say you were unreasonable, especially as your mum went, and you did reach out to her.

I would just leave it. Nothing much you can do.

Buffypaws · 18/12/2022 11:38

That is super fucking weird behaviour. Perhaps mad with grief.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/12/2022 11:38

OP, put it down to grief and think nothing more of it.

Not only did you attempt to attend and was refused the time off, you sent your mum there to still have a family presence there.

I wouldn't have let her speak at me for thirty minutes.

Don't worry, not your fault at all and I suppose you can breathe a sigh of relief you're no longer close. I have people I used to know from childhood and no longer see, I wouldn't even think to attend a funeral for them.

Toddlerteaplease · 18/12/2022 11:39

U you oh couldn't get time off work. Not your fault. Seems a bit odd to take time off for a friends mum anyway, if you aren't close.

Toddlerteaplease · 18/12/2022 11:39

You couldn't.*

Lkydfju · 18/12/2022 11:40

I think she’s being quite over sensitive: my dad died when I was relatively young and my two best friends came to the funeral; one knew my dad very well and the other not so much and was there to support me but I wouldn’t have expected my childhood friends who I was no longer close with to attend.
I think you did the right thing in messaging.
I think sometimes grief skews how you look at things as I remember being very offended at the time that a couple of childhood friends who knew my dad well didn’t acknowledge him dying and some friends at the time didn’t say anything but now I can see that not everyone thinks like I do and people don’t always know what to do or say when someone dies.

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 18/12/2022 11:42

No-YANBU. It’s the grief talking. Most people can’t get leave for this sort of thing, especially at the moment because so many people are off sick. You reached out, asked your mother to represent the family and that was more than enough, given that you are not close friends now. Both of them are likely to feel very embarrassed of themselves fairly soon - I expect alcohol and being apprehensive about Christmas was also at play in this incident. I hope they both apologise to you but grief does make some people angry and ‘blamey’ because they can’t deal with big feelings without lashing out.

PermanentTemporary · 18/12/2022 11:48

I've always regretted not attending funerals but I've also never been punished by the mourners for it like this, its just about how I feel. Also my work can be really difficult to get short notice time off for. I had an uncle's funeral be scheduled for Monday morning on the preceding Thursday. Monday was and still is a nearly impossible day at our work, it was a full day's travel and I took the decision not to go. My sister was able to go and like you I felt that was representation of our side of the family. My cousins have never given me a hard time about it.

Unfortunately a lot of social groups now especially on social media take small grievances to each other to be whipped up into major emotional storms (tbh it does happen a lot on MN too). I would guess that's what happened here.

saturnisturning · 18/12/2022 11:54

I’d be angry with her OP.

And tbh I’d have given her both barrels if she dared try that with me.

im sure she’s grieving but pulling you out of your friendship group to chastise you is not on.

AFS1 · 18/12/2022 11:57

That’s really weird behaviour on her and her sister’s part. I’m pretty sure very few of my childhood friends attended my mum’s funeral. It didn’t occur to me to either notice or give a crap. I was so caught up in my own grief and getting through the day that the last thing on my mind was who was there and who wasn’t.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 18/12/2022 12:02

It does sound like grief talking. What I would say is in the last four years I have lost my sister and my son - both young and sudden (sister 21, son died at birth). I only wanted my close friends around me to be honest as I didn't want that pressure of staying composed in front of every single person I know.
Yanbu at all. You couldn't get time off work and you reached out to her, and also sent your mum. Her sister was being quite mean.

DNAwrangler · 18/12/2022 12:02

what were you meant to do exactly - go anyway and lose your job?! Weird.

PermanentTemporary · 18/12/2022 12:06

I will say that I found it incredibly heartwarming to see many people at my dh's funeral - a cousin flew in from another country, schoolfriends from primary school came, book club friends came, my dad in his late 80s made it too. I honestly couldn't tell you who WASN'T there, didn't have headspace for it. But every bereavement is different.

Try to forgive and forget, grief is weird. But you didn't do anything wrong.

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2022 12:08

my best friend couldnt make it to my dm funeral-did i have a go at her no it is what it is

shes o9ut of order pulling you aside like that andhaving a go when your not even close anymore-what does she ant you to do get a warning from work over it

what did you say

DDivaStar · 18/12/2022 12:10

That is odd and a bit ott. Did you send a sympathy card ? I would have sent a card explaining i was unfortunately unable to attend the funeral due to work ....

CovertImage · 18/12/2022 12:10

I hope you didn't just send a text message when her mum died. That's such a lazy way to respond to something so big in my opinion

Sittingonabench · 18/12/2022 12:18

No you weren’t at fault here but grief is a strange thing and people cling to outlets for their anger. In this instance it is you but it’s not really about you. I think asking your mum to go shows a kindness above what would be expected.

Georgeskitchen · 18/12/2022 12:26

Bloody hell what on earth did she find to berate you about for 30 whole minutes?
Your definitely nbu given that were no longer even particularly close x

caringcarer · 18/12/2022 13:10

When my dMum died lots of my childhood friends attended her funeral. My sister's childhood friends too. I was stunned when I went up to deliver the eulogy and glanced around the church and saw them. It made me feel tearful. They remained living local to my Mum and must have seen about her death in local newspaper. I think it is increasingly hard to get a day off for a funeral if not close kin. If you live locally I think much more likely an employer would give you 2 hours off to attend. You have tried to support your childhood friend. They are being unreasonable.

Original poster

thedancingbee · 18/12/2022 13:29

Thanks for all your replies. I didn’t manage to say much I just apologised profusely and asked if we could go for a coffee after Xmas. I didn’t know this but when we were leaving the pub her sister gave me the middle finger!! Unfortunately I didn’t send a card, I wouldn’t have a clue where she lives now - looking back I could have asked her but I guess that’s in the past now. She still lives in the town we grew up in but I moved to the city 20 years ago. We are Facebook friends and I sent her a message over Facebook after it happened - I don’t have her phone number so it wasn’t over text. I have not been friends with this woman for over 20 years, we have both moved on with our lives and we have families of our own now etc however last night I felt like I was at high school again.

OP posts:

LeopardPrintHo · 18/12/2022 13:36

You shouldn't feel bad......if you don't have someone's number or know where they live then they are not a close friend anymore so why would you do anything other than send a message through social media.

Allschoolsareartschools · 18/12/2022 13:41

You did so much more than many people would. It would be unrealistic to expect everyone from somebody's past to attend their funeral.
You sound like a thoughtful person, try to let it bother you. She might regret all this when the grief settles a bit & had possibly been drinking.

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2022 13:45

jesus christ you dont even see each other dont know where she even lives an shes got the cheek to come up to you and say that-stop apologising op you should have just said i said why i couldnt make it and mym own dm attneded in my place please stop

Confusedteacher · 18/12/2022 13:49

YANBU at all- it was grief and probably alcohol talking, I would ignore it. If you feel the need maybe send her a message explaining again how sorry you are but you couldn’t get time off work and leave it at that.

When my dad died a few years ago I was very grateful and surprised at the 2 childhood friends who managed to come to the funeral, but certainly did not expect it of anyone.

wonder113 · 18/12/2022 13:52

When you were friends growing up, did you go to each other's houses thereby knowing her mum? Perhaps even if it was decades ago the mum still remembered you and therefore she thought it would have been better if you were there at the funeral.

Either way YANBU, grief works in mysterious ways for all of us. But her behaviour sounds odd so there could be a back story?

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