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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my playdate anxiety win

41 replies

Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 10:53

I made friends with a group of mum's before we had our babies - they were all due about 2 months before me. Fast forward 2 years and we occasionally still meet up. I find the meet ups very challenging. I'm not really a mumsy mum and I love to talk about things outside of our obvious common ground. They can also be quite boastful about their children, hitting milestones and stuff like that.

My DS isn't particularly sociable and clings to me the whole way through these meetings, screaming if I ever leave the room.

Today the mum's are all meeting for a little Christmas get together, pizza and drinks. It sounds nice but fills me with dread. I've said I've not felt so good over the last few days and if it's ok, I'll drop a message today. It's so kind of them to invite us but I really don't want to go. On the other hand however I feel it's something I should do, give my DS more chance to socialise and step out of my comfort zone.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 10:55

I think it would be good for you to go.

You don’t have to be the life and soul, and they don’t have to be your best mates. But making human connections is good for your son, and not giving into anxiety is good for you - it’s a slippery slope.

Sometimeswinning · 18/12/2022 11:00

A mumsy mum? Perhaps you're being slightly judgemental towards them? Alot of parents obsess over the little things like milestones. It drummed into people with all the books and blogs they read. You realise a few years down the road it really meant nothing! Luckily you are already enlightened to this fact!

Ponoka7 · 18/12/2022 11:03

The more you don't step outside your comfort zone, the smaller the zone will become. For that reason I think that you should go.

LivIoe · 18/12/2022 11:12

Gently I say this, but you come across as a little judgemental- seeing them as boastful, considering yourself as having more interesting conversation.
I’m not saying this to get at you, but to suggest you reflect a little bit on your contributions. It’s quite unlikely in a group not a single person would take up a conversation on anything other than milestones.

I see some of my children’s friends a little isolated socially as their mums always seem to pick fault, rather than just rolling with things and relaxing a bit. One in particular would always have some feedback I was too loud/ talked about the wrong things/ ate poorly or whatever (I’m not an extreme person!), yet she wouldn’t offer anything herself. She just sort of expected me to provide the meet up idea, then engage how she wishes. She didn’t offer conversation, but if I presumed she was happy being quiet and left her be she’d moan afterwards I’d ignored her. If I engaged, she criticised my conversation, if I didn’t invite her, I was being exclusive. It got painful eventually, I’d try to talk politely and get short answers and slightly dead eyes- but I had no idea what she did want to talk about and she’d just sit there. It felt judgemental tbh. I gave up and distanced in the end, mainly as I was fed up of the feedback that used to get back about my boring conversation or whatever. Of course now I’m excluding her 🤷‍♀️

I honestly really really tried

Mamamia7962 · 18/12/2022 11:13

If you genuinely like the other mums then go and if they include you in conversations and you don't feel left out then go. It doesn't matter if you're quiet, everybody is different, they like you for who you are.

If you don't want to go because of your own anxiety it will be twice as difficult next time.

Luana1 · 18/12/2022 11:15

What do you mean by mumsy mum?

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 11:16

Babies don't need to socialise with other babies. Yours will have plenty of time to make friends.
If this stuff isn't fun for you then life is too short to put yourself through it!

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 11:17

I think mumsy mum means that they all just talk about their kids and OP would prefer some other topics of conversation too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2022 11:19

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 11:17

I think mumsy mum means that they all just talk about their kids and OP would prefer some other topics of conversation too.

She hasn’t said what’s stopping her from discussing other things.

DancingSober · 18/12/2022 11:23

I can see why people interpret your comments as a bit judgemental. But, I think in days gone by I may have made borderline bitchy comments (in my head) about people when I simply don't want to be friends with them. It might just be a symptom of you not liking them that you're creating reasons to justify you not liking them.

I don't think you sound anxious to the point of being irrational. You just sound as if you don't get on with these women and you don't want to hang out with them. That is completely fine and you don't need permission to stop seeing them.

It doesn't mean they're uninteresting or mumsy either. It just means you don't like them.

Original poster
Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 11:23

Thanks everyone. I would say a mumsy mum is someone who has really taken to the mum thing - constantly on the look out for fun toddler activities, really relaxed taking them out, is playful and crafty, that kind of thing.

We went for a meal just us mum's last Christmas and bringing the conversation round to anything non child related was near impossible. I'm not asking to talk about current affairs or careers - just you know, interests, opinions, literally anything else!

They're not bad people and it's natural that what has brought us together is the main topic of conversation. I just feel like Id rather spend my Sunday afternoon differently, though I'd also rather live on tubs of chocolate - it doesn't make it healthy.

OP posts:
napody · 18/12/2022 11:24

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 11:16

Babies don't need to socialise with other babies. Yours will have plenty of time to make friends.
If this stuff isn't fun for you then life is too short to put yourself through it!

They're two year olds now, so socialising definitely benefits them.

DDivaStar · 18/12/2022 11:25

You don't have to socialise with them if they don't interest you. But you all have a shared experience with kids a similar age, of course there will be alot of chat about them. Do you really not gain anything from chatting about your child?

These are mum friends, you may well have differences on your other interests but you can still be friends, I assume you have other friends you have non child related chats too.

Ultimately your anxiety is preventing you from attending a perfectly normal social occasion. This may well rub off on your little one and sounds like he's already showing signs of that.

Socialising like this is fairly typical, healthy and positive for most people.

Spiderboy · 18/12/2022 11:25

If you don’t know what a mumsy mum is, you probably are one. And that’s totally fine☺️ I know what you mean OP and sometimes it feels impossible to break down the barriers and get beyond weening or toilet training chit chat because they are in 100% mum mode. Maybe this group just isn’t for you - I’m sure they’re lovely but sometimes we just don’t gel with everyone

funfor · 18/12/2022 11:26

Do it for your DS

Ragruggers · 18/12/2022 11:28

I get you,just go for a short time,cut it short ie you have to get back etc.If you know you can leave early you will feel less anxious.Give it a try.

BiscuitLover3678 · 18/12/2022 11:29

You sound just like me. How do you feel after? I used to find it so hard but then on those times that I did go, I felt way better after. Saying that, they might just not be ‘your people’. I had to go on a lot of play dates multiple times and then suddenly it would click for me with certain people. (Took a while). I found it helped ds too. Best of luck.

Morielle · 18/12/2022 11:30

I go to the events that include the kids but never the mum only ones. They're not my good friends they're my mum friends and it's all about the kids. Be open to it or closed to it, it's up to you. But once you decline too many times the invites will probably stop coming. If this wouldn't bother you then you know.

Overthebow · 18/12/2022 11:31

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 11:16

Babies don't need to socialise with other babies. Yours will have plenty of time to make friends.
If this stuff isn't fun for you then life is too short to put yourself through it!

Babies don’t but two year olds do. It isn’t good for toddlers to be isolated.

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2022 11:33

I wouldn't go.

Neither you or your DS like these people/this situation.

You should push yourself outside your comfort zone, but that doesn't mean giving up a Sunday to hang out with people you find boring!

Instead, you should push yourself in the new year to either see some of these mum's individually, which may be better for both your conversation and DS or to find other friends for DS to spend time with.

Lkydfju · 18/12/2022 11:33

If you didn’t feel good after you last saw them then don’t go again; I’ll always try these things but if i didn’t enjoy it I won’t go back again. There will be plenty of other chances for your DC to socialise at groups and at nursery

Volhhg · 18/12/2022 11:34

If you like them go and meet, maybe you just only have being a mum in common. They will have other things about them that isn't being a mum but you're not tuned into it. Mumsy mums are just getting on with life, there will be many days they don't like doing those things but do it because they feel it enriches their child Life. Yes I believe toddlers and babies benefit from socialising because it's an essential part of being a primate.

Himawarigirl · 18/12/2022 11:34

Why go if you don’t really enjoy their company and your child clings to you the entire time. Sounds like hell. And if you only meet up occasionally then the other children aren’t going to become key friends for your child, as it doesn’t sound like you see each other often enough. So don’t feel you need to go on their account. Plus they’re not socialising with the other children from what you say anyway.

RambamThankyouMam · 18/12/2022 11:39

One in particular would always have some feedback I was too loud/ talked about the wrong things/ ate poorly or whatever

Cheeky mare! I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

YellowTreeHouse · 18/12/2022 11:42

YABU. You should never let anxiety win - that’s an awful message to send to your child.

And he shouldn’t miss out on socialising because of your anxiety either, otherwise he’s never going to get past clinging to your skirts because you are socialising him either.