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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my playdate anxiety win

41 replies

Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 10:53

I made friends with a group of mum's before we had our babies - they were all due about 2 months before me. Fast forward 2 years and we occasionally still meet up. I find the meet ups very challenging. I'm not really a mumsy mum and I love to talk about things outside of our obvious common ground. They can also be quite boastful about their children, hitting milestones and stuff like that.

My DS isn't particularly sociable and clings to me the whole way through these meetings, screaming if I ever leave the room.

Today the mum's are all meeting for a little Christmas get together, pizza and drinks. It sounds nice but fills me with dread. I've said I've not felt so good over the last few days and if it's ok, I'll drop a message today. It's so kind of them to invite us but I really don't want to go. On the other hand however I feel it's something I should do, give my DS more chance to socialise and step out of my comfort zone.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 18/12/2022 11:47

I think you are probably not a very sociable person yourself and you are conditioning your son to be the same. Definitely worth stepping out of your comfort zone.

SockGoddess · 18/12/2022 11:51

Op I can really relate, I felt exactly like this. And I know what you mean by mumsy mum and didn’t think it was rude. Some mums are just really into being mums, especially of very small children - others find that stage harder. I’m quite shy and introverted but I did make an effort to meet up and do the baby and toddler groups and chat the the mums I’d met there and at ante natal classes. But I did want to talk about other things besides baby poo and toddler achievements and organic snacks. Sorry if anyone thinks that’s snobby but I did. There could be major things happening in the news/politics that I wanted to chat about, or I’d have loved to hear about people’s jobs and interests. But no one was interested, like you my babies/toddlers were clingy and not “advanced”, and I just didn’t fit in at all.

Now they’re teen/preteen and I can tell you this stage is really just a blip when it comes to friendships, both your child’s social life and you making friends through them. As soon as they start nursery, then school, they start making their own friends and you facilitate doing things with hem, you won’t click with all the parents you meet but some you will. Then by secondary school they’re organising friendships themselves.

For right now, I don’t think you should make yourself go if you find it draining or that it leaves you feeling sad. I’d spend the time having a Google for other activities or groups you could try out, widen the net a bit and see what you can find that you and your toddler might like - music, art, swimming, dance classes, whatever appeals (you can often find free stuff like this too) and give a few things a go. Or just take DC to playgrounds or soft play, or activities at museums and galleries, and you might get chatting to other parents. Or if you don’t feel up to that and want to retreat from groups and mums a bit, I thinks that’s ok too. I used to take mine shopping, to go to see art that I wanted to see, to the botanic gardens for a run around - sometimes they’d end up playing with other kids, sometimes not, but it’s all experiences and variety for them. Let yourself off the hook a bit, and I promise you this gets easier.

ApathyMartha · 18/12/2022 11:51

Don’t go. There will be other places and groups you can meet with people who talk to you as a person rather than DC’s mum. I love my kid but I didn’t want to spend time discussing the minutiae of potties. I’m an older mum though and didn’t feel the need to fit in. I used to do it to try and socialise my DC who was never interested (eventually diagnosed ASC though). It sounds like your DS doesn’t enjoy it either so why stress him out? My DS has friends at school and loves playing with people he chooses to. He socialises just fine for him.

nomcachange · 18/12/2022 12:02

I feel the same about my NCT group. Just don’t go, life is too short. But do find some socialising activities for both of you that aren’t so tedious.

weRone · 18/12/2022 12:12

Step out of your comfort zone and go to meet them.

My DC also were more on the clingy side when little so I know how crap not feels to see others' kids being bold and sociable - especially if the parents are a bit boastful about it...

But you know what, just be happy for them.

Also, a clingy 2 year old is normal and means nothing.

SockGoddess · 18/12/2022 12:15

I don’t think it’s always the best choice to step out of your comfort zone. Yes, to try something new and expand your horizons. But if you’ve tried something and it’s not working for you and actually making you uncomfortable, I don’t think you have to keep imposing it on yourself because it’s outside your comfort zone per we. Just as reasonable to spend your energy on looking elsewhere and finding groups you prefer.

SockGoddess · 18/12/2022 12:15

Per se nor per we!

Original poster

Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 12:56

Thanks everyone, some really helpful advice here. I'm not sociable in the sense of loving big group gatherings but I'm always happy meeting 1 or 2 friends for something low key. I take DS to a dance class once a week, which I've surprised myself with quite enjoying even if he doesn't always love it! He also goes to nursery 3 days a week so I'm not too worried. Also I really think it's ok to be introverted. As long as he doesn't end up feeling lonely or missing out, I'm ok with that.

As a side note, texts have begun coming in this morning like 'we're full of cold but will still come if that's ok'. Fab - a cold just in time for the big day and like anyone's going to say 'actually yes I do mind, don't come'

OP posts:

RoseGoldEagle · 18/12/2022 13:03

You’ve met them on lots of occasions for 2 years and still don’t look forward to the catch ups- that’s long enough to have made an effort and life is too short. They’re just not your people, and that’s fine. I’d say stop going to them, but try other ways of meeting mums so you can still get to go out and socialise with your 2 year old, and you are likely to find some mums you genuinely get on with at some point.

DancingSober · 18/12/2022 13:04

Ah just duck out op. If you liked them you may not even mind so much about the cold, but I don't think you do like them. It really isn't compulsory. Your Ds will socialise fine without this specific group. It sounds as if you do other things with him

saltofcelery · 18/12/2022 13:15

Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 12:56

But I thought you had also texted to say you didn't feel well either? So I don't think you can criticise them for turning up with a cold when they've informed other group members beforehand.

In all honesty, if you aren't enjoying meeting up with them, don't go. It's quite obvious when someone isn't enjoying themselves so they probably already get that sense from you.

Montague22 · 18/12/2022 13:21

I would avoid meeting if full of cold. Why not suggest something on the other side of Christmas?
Sometimes the mum chat is just ice breaker conversation. When you know them better other topics will likely open up…give them a chance. I would make an effort to socialise though, having a network is really useful.

ArrowNorth · 18/12/2022 13:29

Hi OP, I always used to dread group social situations and feel I couldn't go with the group flow, also that a group scenario wasn't the best for my DS, but I kept making myself go, thinking socialising in groups was good for him.

Turns out he's autistic, so is his younger sister, and I'm waiting to be assessed too. Now it all makes perfect sense.

Nowadays I go occasionally to bigger gatherings and accept they may be stressful for us but sometimes we choose to go because we want to express value to people we love, eg a friend's birthday.

But mostly we just arrange our socialising on a much smaller scale ie one person at a time. Now we're going with our flow, because we know what it is!

I no longer worry about trying to get my children to function in large groups, but we focus instead on what type of social gatherings best foster authentic connection.

Original poster

Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 13:52

@saltofcelery unwell as in mental health has been suffering, not full of cold.

OP posts:

Original poster

Everythingquiet · 18/12/2022 14:06

The whole thing has been moved to this evening now which I'm a little relieved about as this fits in better with naps and everything. It might not be so bad - I'm currently pregnant with baby no 2 as is one of the other mums so I guess that will be nice to catch up with her.

OP posts:

YellowTreeHouse · 18/12/2022 14:15

Also I really think it's ok to be introverted

It’s okay to be introverted. It’s not okay to let anxiety control your life and stop you going out and doing things, which is an awful message to send your child.

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