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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling armchair psychologists… why is my MIL annoying me now I’m pregnant?

40 replies

Watermelonsugarcube · 17/12/2022 23:21

I’ll start by saying my MIL is bloody lovely and we have a great relationship, I’ll often call her up for a chat, meet up without DH etc.

Though since I’ve been pregnant (now 22 weeks) it’s like everything she says rubs me up the wrong way. Comments on the size of my bump, how she felt in pregnancy, things she’s excited about buying for baby etc just really grate on me and I can’t fathom why.

I KNOW I’m being horrible, my own mum, friends, colleagues have made similar comments on my pregnancy and I’ve happily chatted along so I don’t know why it’s different for MIL.

Is this some sort of dominance thing? I’m quite passive in nature and don’t feel any kind of threat on a conscious level, but maybe subconsciously I want to be queen bee? Help me figure it out!

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/12/2022 23:25

Probably just added irritability from being pregnant.

Dont burn your bridges though. That’s your babysitter for the next 18 years!

madroid · 17/12/2022 23:38

Might be a control/territory thing. You want your own space and fear your MIL might invade it/ take it over?

Veryverycalmnow · 17/12/2022 23:40

It is her job as MIL to piss you off. They want control and they don't have it. They know some things from experience but have forgotten what it's like so want to give all their advice in one breath and you are best just nodding, smiling and then doing everything your way.

Disabrie22 · 17/12/2022 23:49

I honestly think it’s biology - my first baby was also the first grandchild in the family on both sides. I think it released a hormonal response in both grandma’s as they were both irritating when I was pregnant, went nuts after the baby was born, made all sorts of demands about staying for ages and attempting to move in after he was born. I very much felt hormonally and intense need to have my baby love me the most and I believe it’s just science turning us into the ultimate protecting machine for a fragile human life.
I know love the bond between my children and their grandma’s - you just can’t help what nature does to do.

FatEaredFuck · 17/12/2022 23:51

It's forced intimacy. She's strongly connected to your child but you're not related/connected to her properly. All her chatter rubs you up the wrong way, like if your office worker who sat next to you talked about all the things they'd like to do with your baby.

And your hormones might be making you protective/crabby too.

Holly60 · 18/12/2022 21:01

I don't know why it happens but I do recognise the emotion.

What I will say though is ride it out. Once your child is here and you get to watch them together you will rediscover your love for your MIL. Seeing someone love your child is so so lovely and it will strengthen your bond with her over time.

When I was pregnant with my first my MIL was practically a stranger. By the time she passed away when my DC were adults I mourned her like i mourned my own mother. I grew to absolutely adore that woman and hugely appreciated the way she loved my children.

I loved her, and she loved me.

Runningintolife · 18/12/2022 21:18

Well, I think there is evidence that grandma's have hormones that are released specifically when grandchildren are born, so those might change their behaviour. Plus your maternal hormone changes of course.

Apparently as well its the shared interest in successfully raising progeny that causes more interfering and therefore conflict - and people argue more with in laws they see as family. www.fatherly.com/health/hating-in-laws-grandparents-science

OptimusPrime31 · 18/12/2022 21:43

FatEaredFuck · 17/12/2022 23:51

It's forced intimacy. She's strongly connected to your child but you're not related/connected to her properly. All her chatter rubs you up the wrong way, like if your office worker who sat next to you talked about all the things they'd like to do with your baby.

And your hormones might be making you protective/crabby too.

This is such a good way of putting it!! My MIL sounds very similar to OPs and you're right- it's like a friend telling you how to behave around your baby. Even though what she says makes sense it really pisses me off. Like when she tells me it's too soon to be looking at baby clothes (I'm 20weeks and just window shopping!) I feel like I'm a horrible human when she starts talking about baby

Merryoldgoat · 18/12/2022 21:46

Veryverycalmnow · 17/12/2022 23:40

It is her job as MIL to piss you off. They want control and they don't have it. They know some things from experience but have forgotten what it's like so want to give all their advice in one breath and you are best just nodding, smiling and then doing everything your way.

Do people really think like this?

I’d be lost without my MIL. Plenty of people get on well with theirs. This trope is so old fashioned and misogynistic.

Rinatinabina · 18/12/2022 21:55

Happened to me, MIL is a nice woman but she couldn’t do right for doing wrong in my eyes for about a year (hands up I was being VU) except she kept implying “good” qualities Dd had were like her side etc that really fucked me off.

I think it’s biological, she’s not biologically related to you but taking some stake in your child. I think some sort of primal beast in me was screaming “ours, she’s our tribe” if I’m being very honest.

Calphurnia88 · 19/12/2022 11:34

It happened to me, albeit very mild. Lasted a few months after baby had been born and magically disappeared around 8mo.

For me it's probably a combination of things already mentioned. Forced intimacy with someone I don't have that sort of a relationship with (lots and lots gurof questions about breastfeeding made me feel uncomfortable, for example), and unsolicited/outdated advice that I felt obliged to humour (whereas I would tell my own mum that X isn't recommended anymore) being two obvious ones.

At a deeper level though there's probably something animalistic about the feeling that someone who isn't your flesh and blood, is laying claim on your child; a child you risked your own life to grow and give birth to, and will spend a lifetime being responsible for. I guess it's a feeling of being threatened, although looking back I had nothing to feel threatened about at all. My MIL is a lovely woman and a great grandmother.

VikingLady · 19/12/2022 11:42

You can't have two queens in one hive. It's your final stage of growing up and becoming your own head of house, less emotionally dependent on authority figures.

Or that's how it felt to me. I was fine with advice before but REALLY not afterwards.

SallyWD · 19/12/2022 12:17

I felt the same about my (lovely) MIL when I was pregnant. I think my hormones were all over the place and I felt quite miserable during pregnancy, despite the fact I'd always wanted a baby. In contrast my MIL was bouncing off the walls with happiness and excitement. She kept wanting to feel the baby move, rubbing my bump, taking photos of it etc. It was too much. Then my baby arrived and I was still feeling quite hormonal and miserable. I had a low mood for the first 6 months. My MIL was just so, so happy and excited. I have genuinely never seen anyone so happy in my life!! It irritated me greatly because I wasn't that happy and it was my baby. I suppose it also made me feel guilty. She thought about the baby all the time and spoke of nothing else which made me feel territorial over my baby.
It all settled down though. I became happier and less hormonal, MIL calmed down and all is good.

Reallyatthelimit · 19/12/2022 12:20

Veryverycalmnow · 17/12/2022 23:40

It is her job as MIL to piss you off. They want control and they don't have it. They know some things from experience but have forgotten what it's like so want to give all their advice in one breath and you are best just nodding, smiling and then doing everything your way.

The fucking horrible narrative about MILs on this site really pisses me off.

Best expressed by a poster on another thread, ‘MILs are awful. They’ll want to hold your baby and buy it stuff. It’s best to cut off all contact now.’

Feel better for having got that off my chest.

Player001 · 19/12/2022 12:27

I am utterly terrified of being a MIL and grandmother to my DS' child. I really am.

Mumof1andacat · 19/12/2022 12:28

Yes some MILs are irritating but even without the MIL title, they are still irritating people. My MIL died before my child was born. She has missed out on so much now she is no longer here.

Calphurnia88 · 19/12/2022 12:34

Reallyatthelimit · 19/12/2022 12:20

The fucking horrible narrative about MILs on this site really pisses me off.

Best expressed by a poster on another thread, ‘MILs are awful. They’ll want to hold your baby and buy it stuff. It’s best to cut off all contact now.’

Feel better for having got that off my chest.

Show quote history

I agree.

I wonder if some of the ill feeling is actually fuelled by Mumsnet.

I didn't join MN until I was pregnant - I was obviously aware of the 'all MILs are battleaxes' tropes from mostly male comedians of yesteryear, but the MIL vs. DIL narrative can be very intense on here.

Merlott · 19/12/2022 12:53

Everything changes once you become a mother and head of your own household so to speak

There's nothing wrong with that.

Relationships will change through this stage of life and that's normal and healthy.

The trick is to manage it as well as you can.

If she's annoying you start gradually reducing contact now to avoid resentment!!!!

Neurotic90 · 19/12/2022 12:58

I felt like this too, I love my MIL dearly and always have but I really struggled with her while I was pregnant and for a long time after my daughter was born. Completely unreasonable and I knew it at the time, have absolutely no explanation for it but every time she held my baby I was fuming. I even put my little one in the bath as soon as she left one day because I could smell MIL on her, absolutely ridiculous behaviour. Sometimes I wish I was honest with her about it, in a sensitive way of course. I don't doubt she felt pushed out at points and noticed I struggled to hand baby over to her, I'm gutted at the thought of how hurt she must have felt.

It must be something biological, she's a genuinely lovely woman who does everything she's able to for us and loves us dearly. I'm so glad it's passed and I can enjoy my time with her again, I hope it passes for you soon.

Waitingfordecember · 19/12/2022 13:40

I have zero tolerance for my MIL and FIL when I’m pregnant… usually I’m really patient. I think it must be the hormones?

With my first it got worse once he was born. MIL literally ran away with him on our first day out together. He needed feeding and she didn’t want to hand him back. I’ve never felt anger like it.

They haven’t met my newborn yet and I’m secretly dreading all the passive aggressive (and often dangerous) advice.

MyKidsAreKnobsInDecember · 19/12/2022 13:44

My lovely MIL irritated the living shit out of me when DC1 was tiny. It passed. I had almost forgotten about it then when DC2 was tiny it happened again, but at least the second time I knew it was me and my crazy hormones and that I just needed to grit my teeth and bite my tongue until the feeling passed, which it did. I do wonder if there's a kind of monkey brain struggle for dominance because I genuinely do love and respect my MIL.

Username6194 · 19/12/2022 13:49

So greatful for this thread.

I felt like this with all dhs family. Terrified of the thought of them babysitting. But more than happy for anyone in my family to. Every bit of advice pissed me off, everything about them infuriated me.

Completely unreasonable of me.

Since reading this thread I absolutely think it's a animal instinct. Like pp said almost like a 'he's my tribe' this was hugely fuelled by 'he smiles like daddy, he laughs like daddy, he crawls like daddy did' as if they were completely incapable of thinking my baby was part of me.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 19/12/2022 13:54

Both my mum and my mil who are normally lovely and not overbearing went a bit bonkers over their first grandchildren, but both were tactful enough to take it on board and step back a bit when it was pointed out to them.
My guess is it’s not just your reaction that’s gone haywire, it’s her attitude too. It gets easier, if both parties are sensible about it and don’t like drama or holding grudges.

Venetiaparties · 19/12/2022 14:08

I got on brilliantly with my MIL and spent so much time with her pre pregnancy but once I was pregnant I found her really demanding (she was the same, no different) It was me. I was tired, hormonal and I found I no longer had the 'space' for her which sounds so mean but that is how I felt. I wanted to do this my way, not her way.
So it became the case we were more distant during the pregnancy and when the baby was born. I am pretty sure she read it that I had the husband and baby now and no longer needed her, but it was not like this! I found lots of people quite annoying for some reason.

The upshot is that she kept quiet wisely and I tried hard not to push her away and take a more measured approach when I felt cranky, and in the end I finally relaxed when dd was a toddler, and MIL got used to her second class status and we started to enjoy our time together again! I chilled out, and she stopped telling me to feed the baby brandy before bedtime Grin

When she died of cancer I was so sad, and miss her today.
I wish I could say I embraced her more when I had the chance, but I could not do it, and it was something biological and out of my control. It will work out, see her less, perhaps with more people and tell her how much you value her still but feel more worn out these days, so she isn't hurt in the process. A very astute MIL might even know and understand.

Newlifestartingatlast · 01/01/2023 13:15

This is a great thread…as I’m nearer to being the MIL/GM now than being the mum, it is great to read the honest and pragmatic responses and experiences here. Good insight into how we tick when we become mums and GMs. Even if we all get a bit bonkers for a while 🤣🤣