Calling armchair psychologists… why is my MIL annoying me now I’m pregnant?

[Watermelonsugarcube]

I’ll start by saying my MIL is bloody lovely and we have a great relationship, I’ll often call her up for a chat, meet up without DH etc.

Though since I’ve been pregnant (now 22 weeks) it’s like everything she says rubs me up the wrong way. Comments on the size of my bump, how she felt in pregnancy, things she’s excited about buying for baby etc just really grate on me and I can’t fathom why.

I KNOW I’m being horrible, my own mum, friends, colleagues have made similar comments on my pregnancy and I’ve happily chatted along so I don’t know why it’s different for MIL.

Is this some sort of dominance thing? I’m quite passive in nature and don’t feel any kind of threat on a conscious level, but maybe subconsciously I want to be queen bee? Help me figure it out!

Resurrecting my old thread here (sorry!) as a comment from MIL reminded me I never returned to thank everyone for their input.

Glad to know it’s not just me and I’ll get over myself eventually. Overheard DH on the phone to her asking (very gently) to stop commenting on how “huge” I’m getting or how she thinks it’s going to be a massive baby 🙄- whole other rant right there. She took it well but I could tell she thinks I’m being precious, saying things like “well she’s pregnant of course she’ll get bigger…”

Those who commented on the forced intimacy aspect are spot on I think. My own mum/friends I can either lovingly tell them to piss off or be honest about how I’m feeling. Colleagues I’m not that close to I can either let it go over my head or reply with a snarky comment because I’m not too bothered about offending them.

With MIL it’s a weird balancing act between loving her and not wanting her to be upset if I let her know she’s being annoying, but not being close enough to tell her with 100% honesty how I’m feeling.

Anyway thank you everyone and to any worried MILs reading this don’t worry, on this occasion it’s not your fault!

With MIL it’s a weird balancing act between loving her and not wanting her to be upset if I let her know she’s being annoying, but not being close enough to tell her with 100% honesty how I’m feeling.

This is spot on, IME.

It does get a lot better although there are still occasions when mine will give outdated, and often incorrect, advice with conviction. If it were my own mum I would just tell her she's wrong and if needed present her with some articles, but with MIL I don't feel comfortable questioning her so I follow up with DP and get him to do it.

You're likely to get irrationally irritable at times during pregnancy and it's convenient if that doesn't get directed at everyone. I am totally not suggesting this is something you are consciously seeking to do. I am saying it is useful from an evolutionary POV to not direct your irritation at everyone (because you need them to support you, especially after the birth). Basically, what I'm saying is that there may not be any deeper psychological explanation and that it's just nature working itself out and finding the most expeditious way to channel those irritable moments.

Someone once explained it to me as she was the matriarch and I was very happy to hop aboard her ship and go with the flow. But now I was pregnant I was becoming a matriarch and was having a power struggle. In reality she was the same as she ever was but this was something I couldn't tolerate her opinion on. When she gave me advice on cooking or home ownership or diy I was always grateful. But with the baby I saw it as her encroaching on my space. I had to remind myself she was doing it out of love and being helpful. And also remind myself I didn't have to take the advice or justify why I wasn't taking it or why it was wrong.

I’m glad I found this thread as well! Always got on with my MIL and liked spending time with her although we never have that ‘close’ relationship as she’s not that kind of person. However, got pregnant and she started to annoy the living sh out of me. I think there were a few things going on - firstly, she DID treat me like a bit of a child, in the nicest possible way, lots of advice, unsolicited comments. The comment upthread about her not being related but now having this blood ‘claim’ on you due to kids really resonates. I’m a private person but after the birth of my first they seemed to think they could just stay in our house and come and see me at the hospital straight after whereas I wasn’t comfortable with them to that extent IYSWIM. But was too scared of rocking the boat to tell them to P off. However, I’m sure that others probably made comments similar to her but it didn’t annoy me as much as when she said them, so maybe a hormonal thing? Tbh the relationship hasn’t really recovered although we run along ok now, and she is quite an irritating women in terms of advice and patronising nature (but I’m sure her hearts in the right place). So a combination I think of me being unreasonable but also her overstepping the mark maybe?

I had a good relationship with MIL for years and years before kids and a good (different) relationship with her now the kids are mid primary but awful when DC1 was born. I have heard it described as everyone in the family is moving into a new role - you are becoming a mum, she is becoming a gran and on some level maybe stopping being a mum if you know what I mean? I think my MIL found it hard. She was also very competitive with my mum which was hard. Really I think she was desperate for one of my SILs to have a baby. Some of what she did like practically snatching DC from me was obv wrong of her, some of the things that wound me up were harmless or even quite sweet but I found them intrusive eg always asking for photos. It’s a tough time, try not to do anything that will prevent your relationship from getting back to a good place over time.

@LauraIAm youve described it really well. I think mine had always done everything for everyone, cooking etc so found it hard stopping being a Mum and accepting them as adults. Still does try to mother them. I also think she’s probably desperate for my SIL to have a baby so she can move in and mother her, give her advice etc. I’m interested to see how that all pans out 🙈

I could list all the ways I can’t stand my mil but it’s probably not helpful!

I often think about how a troop of monkeys might behave, a mother monkey/lion/whatever would not want interference with their baby.

I never felt this with my MiL, who until DC was born I saw a maximum of twice a year. But after DC was born I did begin to pick up some hints that this sort of feeling perhaps existed on DH's family's side.

The constant minimizing of the fact that I even existed. The refusal to address me by my actual name when they know I didn't take his on marriage. The refusal to acknowledge the part of DC's name that was mine. The constant comments about how much like his side of the family DC looks. If those were snipes they went straight over my head: I'm not the sort who is ruffled by small stuff like that at all. I probably wouldn't even have noticed had DH's sister not begun harping on the point constantly, then gushingly apologizing for having said so and being 'soooo sorry if I've offended you'. Me (with nonplussed expression): 'What's offensive? He DOES look like his father'. Her: 'oh, other SiL gets so upset when we say how like our side of the family her DC looks'. Me: 'Oh. Did you mean to be offensive?' When she denied this I simply told her, 'then I don't see the problem'.

So, yes, I think it's possible there's a bit of territorial behaviour from in-laws, although I tended to experience it from the opposite side. But I do think that if someone's feeling that way about you, that person will likely know. (Quite surprising in my case, given none of them were remotely interested in DC once he'd passed the cute baby stage).

I'm glad you have a lovely MiL - I would have loved the same for both me and my DC. Hope your feelings work themselves out OP, and kudos to you for having the insight and generosity to acknowledge and admit them to yourself. I think this alone means your relationship with MiL will be fine.

They certainly do on MN, her MIL is always the evil one, her M is angelic, the OP even says that the same comments from her mother don't bother her!

Maybe the OP's husband should also reduce contact with his MIL as they're so awful!
Such immaturity from so many MN posters.

Yes, we are animals. I talked to someone from Oxford University who's friend decided to finish a relationship, then couldn't understand why they were unhappy. They obviously thought that logic was the key. No idea about emotions.
Oh dear...
The someone said. Oh, I didn't think of that. Brilliant.

Maybe replied to wrong thread !

Yes came in the wrong place but
Since reading this thread I absolutely think it's a animal instinct.

I love my MIL to pieces and I still get very annoyed with her (and FIL,) I am 100% sure she finds me rigid and annoying at times as well!

It's as others have said, the inability to tell her to "back off" or speak plainly for fear of hurting her means that you can't really do anything about the behaviors that drive you crazy. Every time my PILs leave I tell my husband "You NEED to talk to them about xyz (usually all the plastic crap they bring her that has to be recycled because it breaks immediately or constantly giving her sugary drinks/enough sweets that she throws up)" but then by the next day (after a good sleep, once all the junk has been recycled or put in the donation box) I am full of love and gratitude for them again and will tear up thinking about how lucky I am and sternly tell my husband not to say a word because they do so much for us.

I find her intensity about my daughter difficult, and my FILs insistence that Gatorade is healthy, and the fact that they both constantly compare her to my SIL (who I also adore). With my parents when they compare LO to my brother I can say "gee thanks" but I could never say that to MIL because she's sensitive and it would crush her.

Mostly I love her fiercely, sometimes I love her AND I'm annoyed by her. I hope when she's annoyed by me she still loves me too.