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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband unhappy with me putting DD to sleep

59 replies

teomama · 17/12/2022 19:28

DD (11 months) is a bit of a troublesome sleeper and we had a sleep trainer over for her. She recommended leaving her to cry it out for certain periods of time and then pick her up and reassure her. Tonight my OH was putting her to bed and timing the slots. She was screaming hysterically, so I went in, gave her a cuddle and let her have a little milk. She went down in about 5 mins.

My husband is mad at me. He said we paid lots of money for the sleep trainer, and said I am undermining him as a father, and not letting him follow through with the sleep training. He threatened he'd not get up at night and soothe her because it's my fault I don't let her cry and rush in.

That's not true though - but sometimes she gets to a point where she can't calm down by herself and I need to intervene. I refused to listen to him and now we're not speaking. AIBU?

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 17/12/2022 19:31

YANBU for settling your baby but YABU for undermining their father’s parenting.

He IBU for threatening to not soothe her at night.

destress, regroup and come up with a plan that suits all three of you.

DiaDeLluvia · 17/12/2022 19:32

Whatever training method you use, consistency is key. You’re sending your child mixed messages. If you can’t do it as advised because you find it too distressing, that’s totally fine but it’d be kinder to your baby to give up entirely than sometimes come to her comfort and sometimes not.

Oojamaflipp · 17/12/2022 19:33

People have mixed feelings on the cry it out method, but regardless of your feelings on it, your husband is right that you paid for advice, agreed to implement the advice and then you disregarded what he was trying to do. I would be annoyed too.

If you don't agree with the method, fine, but you need to talk to him about it and you both need to be in the same page.

PronounsBaby · 17/12/2022 19:34

She's only 11mo!

panko · 17/12/2022 19:36

Your instincts kicked in. Follow them.

Eyerollcentral · 17/12/2022 19:44

Completely pointless sleep training at all if you don’t stick to it. Your husband is right. You are extremely petulant to respond to him the way you have. It’s important you are on the same page on this as sleep affects both of you. No one wants to hear a crying baby.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/12/2022 19:47

i agree with your husband- why get a sleep trainer if to ignore the advice.

Aprilx · 17/12/2022 19:49

My first thought was exactly what your husband said. You have hired a sleep trainer for a reason and he wants to try it. You did undermine him.

TidyDancer · 17/12/2022 19:50

I can understand why you did what you did but I think YABU and broadly agree with your DH. Your subsequent reaction to him was childish as well. You need a proper sit down conversation about this.

Notimeforaname · 17/12/2022 19:55

YANBU for settling your baby but YABU for undermining their father’s parenting.

He IBU for threatening to not soothe her at night.

destress, regroup and come up with a plan that suits all three of you.

First reply says it all.

Hugasauras · 17/12/2022 19:56

I think you either want to do the sleep training thing or you don't. Personally I wouldn't pay money just for someone to tell me to do controlled crying, which is what this sounds like, in the first place. But if you're going to do it then you should really stick to it or find another method that you can both work with.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2022 19:57

Yabu to undermine the advice you’ve been given and not stick to it, especially as you’re paying for the advice

Judgyjudgy · 17/12/2022 19:58

DiaDeLluvia · 17/12/2022 19:32

Whatever training method you use, consistency is key. You’re sending your child mixed messages. If you can’t do it as advised because you find it too distressing, that’s totally fine but it’d be kinder to your baby to give up entirely than sometimes come to her comfort and sometimes not.

This. Consistency is key, otherwise just give it up as ita confusing to your child

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2022 20:02

You’re both unreasonable. What’s with the incessant threads on here the last few days of people leaving their babies to cry. You know it’s not working, stop doing it.

VimFuego101 · 17/12/2022 20:07

Oojamaflipp · 17/12/2022 19:33

People have mixed feelings on the cry it out method, but regardless of your feelings on it, your husband is right that you paid for advice, agreed to implement the advice and then you disregarded what he was trying to do. I would be annoyed too.

If you don't agree with the method, fine, but you need to talk to him about it and you both need to be in the same page.

This, exactly. Why did you pay for the sleep consultant if you weren't committed to following their advice?

tiggergoesbounce · 17/12/2022 20:08

DiaDeLluvia · 17/12/2022 19:32

Whatever training method you use, consistency is key. You’re sending your child mixed messages. If you can’t do it as advised because you find it too distressing, that’s totally fine but it’d be kinder to your baby to give up entirely than sometimes come to her comfort and sometimes not.

I completely agree with this.

You need to decide if you cope with that training method, if you cant its fine, I personally couldn't do it, but you need to be consistent in your method of choice.

AnnaBegins · 17/12/2022 20:08

She's a baby, she cries to communicate. You were right to settle her. It seems like she needed milk and a cuddle. If that works, i.e. responding to her needs and not leaving her to scream, then for heaven's sake don't leave her to scream.

whynotwhatknot · 17/12/2022 20:22

what was the point in payung a professional when you dont want to do it

how long had she been crying for before you went in

Dishvtidyxtkep · 17/12/2022 20:38

you aren’t being unreasonable.

I figure that if adults would prefer to fall asleep next to someone then a baby would too.

Some adults also need help getting down from being upset so it makes sense that babies would too.

I think of it in a would I like that and if the answer is no then there’s a 98% chance the baby won’t like it either.

My son who is now 19 months was THE WORST sleeper, to the point where I would actually cry with him. He would go to sleep around 8, wake up at 10 and cry until 11:30; fall asleep, wake up at 1:30 and scream until 4:30/5am, wake at 6am and being his day. This went from about 10 months until 17 months and I very nearly went insane.
Leaving him to cry didn’t work he would just go for hours (and it broke my heart), going and giving a cuddle then coming back didn’t work either. I just sat next to his cot for hours at a time while he tried to fall asleep and now finally at 19 months we do a story, one cuddle and he lays in his cot and falls asleep. He also now settles himself in the night too (only started happening in the last month or so). Way better sleeper than his brother.

My partners son who I met at 17 months old was left to cry it out and come back in 2 minutes/5 minutes etc etc is now 5 years old. I am yet to meet a 5 year old as bad at sleeping as he is. If he wakes up for whatever reason he can’t get himself back to sleep and will lie and cry, he also can’t get himself to sleep and sits in this state anxiety that he’s going to left alone. This isn’t the case for all babies obviously - this is the only child I’ve known well enough to comment on.

You’re the mother. You know best. The sleep trainer doesn’t know your baby, isn’t familiar with your baby, doesn’t know their habits, doesn’t know how they calm down. If it feels wrong to you then don’t do it.

Babies will outgrow most things, when I was a preschooler I used to have night terrors and would scream, squat, pee on the floor and then continue screaming, cry for about half an hour then go back to sleep as if nothing had happen. I don’t do this anymore - but my mum thought I’d never get over it (I did this every night for about a year between 1:30 and 3:30am).

But she’s a baby, only 11 months I’m 98% sure she will outgrow bad sleeping. (I’m solely basing this on having a real life demon during the night for 9 months).

Thefaceofboe · 17/12/2022 20:46

Yeah I agree with him. When you decided to sleep train you must have known you would have some challenging nights but you need to be consistent, you’ve probably just confused her more.

darjeelingrose · 17/12/2022 20:48

If you wanted to stop the method, you needed to have a conversation with him about it first. It's not a unilateral thing, is it? It can't be, you are both the parents, you paid for a sleep trainer, you are having second thoughts, but you need to talk to him about it, otherwise you are undermining him.

Milesty1 · 17/12/2022 20:49

I could never do cry it out so in that regard YANBU. Also he is acting like a toddler threatening not to do night times. However I slightly get why your DH is annoyed to spend money on a sleep trainer and then you ignore the advice. Perhaps you should have researched their methods and whether you’d be happy carrying them out before paying. On the other hand maybe you were desperate and we are allowed to change our minds. Try and communicate and remember; this feels like a lifetime but they will eventually sleep through the night. I was comforting mine all the way through the night and we are almost out of the other side now.

Original poster
teomama · 17/12/2022 21:04

Thanks all. The sleep trainer advised to message her if her method doesn’t seem to work well - which it doesn’t. My baby only gets more and more wired. I’ve reached out to her and in the meantime, try to calm the baby.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 17/12/2022 22:03

Seems a bit like you are determined you are right. You said you went in tonight after the baby cried for five mins only. Was this the first night you tried it? I don’t understand what the point in posting this was tbqh? Long story short yes you have been totally unreasonable to your husband and ps it’s his baby too

Valeriekat · 18/12/2022 17:39

How does one become an expert in sleep training such that they get paid to give advice?
Have they had 100s of babies themselves?