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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband unhappy with me putting DD to sleep

59 replies

teomama · 17/12/2022 19:28

DD (11 months) is a bit of a troublesome sleeper and we had a sleep trainer over for her. She recommended leaving her to cry it out for certain periods of time and then pick her up and reassure her. Tonight my OH was putting her to bed and timing the slots. She was screaming hysterically, so I went in, gave her a cuddle and let her have a little milk. She went down in about 5 mins.

My husband is mad at me. He said we paid lots of money for the sleep trainer, and said I am undermining him as a father, and not letting him follow through with the sleep training. He threatened he'd not get up at night and soothe her because it's my fault I don't let her cry and rush in.

That's not true though - but sometimes she gets to a point where she can't calm down by herself and I need to intervene. I refused to listen to him and now we're not speaking. AIBU?

OP posts:
DiaDeLluvia · 19/12/2022 16:07

@Valeriekat to be fair there are lots of things we can do
without having had direct experience of it. I doubt most midwives and obstetricians have given birth to hundreds of babies, but they have studied and observed birth. I presume a sleep trainer does similar.

LadyTwinkle · 19/12/2022 16:19

You did the right thing. Babies cry to communicate and you responded. I imagine being alone in big dark room can be pretty scary at 11months old. It's natural for her to want her mum and for you to want to comfort her. Babies have different sleep patterns to adults and it's unfair to brand her problem sleeper because she doesn't sleep like an adult. Fair enough you paid for a sleep trainer and you decided their methods weren't for you. You don't have to soldier on with something that's not working and causing de-stress just because you paid for it. You're a good mum because you comforted your child and stood up to your husband on her behalf. This won't be for ever as your daughter gets she will sleep better as she gets older. Don't forget a baby who feels secure will grow into a secure adult.

JKDcot · 19/12/2022 18:42

I did exactly the same thing with our now 2 year old. We got a sleep trainer in and I couldn’t follow the recommended approach.

you know what, babies are not robots. Some nights they need comforting and if it helps and you can settle her then by all means you should. My husband was angry too but I believe you have to compromise and sometimes you just have to follow your instinct

Valeriekat · 19/12/2022 19:48

No but they have a well established training protocol and millenia of practice. Sleep training from an "expert" seems to be a bit like something my great grandmother would have told me to do and every child IS different

coconutpie · 19/12/2022 20:18

YABU for getting a sleep trainer in the first place. Crying it out is awful. Listen to your instincts. Babies don't know how to "self-soothe", they are babies!!

Margo34 · 19/12/2022 20:20

panko · 17/12/2022 19:36

Your instincts kicked in. Follow them.

Absolutely..

Original poster
teomama · 20/12/2022 20:13

In all honesty, sleep trainer advised nothing should be followed if we're uncomfortable with it. I followed the 1 minute, 2 minute etc rule for quite a long time and only went in as I noticed the baby gets more and more irritated.

OP posts:
Saxiee · 20/12/2022 20:29

All this talk of undermining... What do you do if both parents will not/ cannot agree? If he wants to carry on with the training and OP doesn't, what do they do? Surely one way or the other someone doesn't get their way and is undermined.

Figgypuddin · 20/12/2022 20:37

I don't think undermining is the most important thing if one parent can see the child is distressed and needs help. In other circumstances maybe you could have said to him this isn't working so he could pick up baby for a cuddle. (Instead of it being him ignoring, you rescuing). But in reality your milk was probably needed to settle the baby.

It's not really possible to have a regrouping conversation when DD needs comforting so I don't think you were unreasonable to step in.

I also don't think you did anything wrong to try something and then realise it's not for you/not working for DD. Worse to stick to it knowing she is distressed.

ILoveeCakes · 20/12/2022 20:38

From the title, I thought you'd taken your DDog to the vets!

Lcb123 · 20/12/2022 21:58

As others said - consistency is key. If you paid for the advice, and not following it, seems pointless. You and DH need to have a proper chat as it's horrible being undermined. It sounds like he was following the advice if he was counting etc.

lenalemonade · 21/12/2022 06:25

Is this a thing now ?....paying someone to come round to tell you how to deal with your own baby ?
11 months ...just trust your instincts

MilkyYay · 21/12/2022 06:38

She's a baby, she cries to communicate

By 11 months they cry to communicate wants as well as needs. At that age they cry over lots of wants:

  • want to take toy off other child, not allowed
  • want to sip daddys beer, not allowed
  • want to grab at items in shop, not allowed
  • want to sleep all night wedged between mummy and daddy with breast permanently in mouth and foot jammed in daddy's face, not allowed.
GlowingGreenLights · 21/12/2022 07:21

teomama · 17/12/2022 19:28

DD (11 months) is a bit of a troublesome sleeper and we had a sleep trainer over for her. She recommended leaving her to cry it out for certain periods of time and then pick her up and reassure her. Tonight my OH was putting her to bed and timing the slots. She was screaming hysterically, so I went in, gave her a cuddle and let her have a little milk. She went down in about 5 mins.

My husband is mad at me. He said we paid lots of money for the sleep trainer, and said I am undermining him as a father, and not letting him follow through with the sleep training. He threatened he'd not get up at night and soothe her because it's my fault I don't let her cry and rush in.

That's not true though - but sometimes she gets to a point where she can't calm down by herself and I need to intervene. I refused to listen to him and now we're not speaking. AIBU?

To be honest, red flag for me. I have a grumpy husband, and he would have said/ said the same. But he was also unable to settle child.
you have a husband problem

PoseyFlump · 21/12/2022 07:45

Did you tell your neighbours you plan to let your baby cry it out?

Our neighbours left theirs to constantly cry and it was fucking ridiculous. It's really unfair to inflict that on others so I hope you've got sound proofing.

CrazCrashy · 21/12/2022 07:53

Controlled crying was discredited 20 years ago i cant believe anyone is still saying this works

CrazCrashy · 21/12/2022 07:55

teomama · 20/12/2022 20:13

In all honesty, sleep trainer advised nothing should be followed if we're uncomfortable with it. I followed the 1 minute, 2 minute etc rule for quite a long time and only went in as I noticed the baby gets more and more irritated.

Shes not irritated, shes distressed.

Confusion101 · 21/12/2022 08:03

Why did you have to intervene? Could you not have spoke with DH and let him go in if needed?
I did this once, and dp told me it wasn't fair as how would he get the child to sleep if I wasn't there. Thought it was a fair point. Its a learning curve for both of you but if you are doing the comforting your DH isn't learning anything which will just cause more distress in the future for everyone

Coffeeandcrocs · 21/12/2022 08:37

Won't comment on the sleep training when the only 'training' is leaving a baby to cry because I think it's barbaric ( look into a holistic sleep coach instead, no training at all but someone who makes suggestions about how you can tweak things with your child's routine/sleep associations to support them with their sleep )

But I think you need to have a conversation with your DH because nothing will work if you arent on the same page. You cannot approach it if you both have different view on how things should be done as one of you will always feel undermined by the other.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:43

Won't comment on the sleep training...then goes on to critise sleep training

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/12/2022 08:47

Thanks all. The sleep trainer advised to message her if her method doesn’t seem to work well - which it doesn’t. My baby only gets more and more wired. I’ve reached out to her and in the meantime, try to calm the baby.

My baby

I've reached out to her

Does your DH get any say in this? He is her parent too.

NantsIngonyamaBagithiBaba · 21/12/2022 08:50

If OP and her husband have paid for professional advice, clearly something isn't working for them to have done that.
Why pay then, if the advice isn't going to be followed.

MamaFirst · 21/12/2022 08:53

To the pp calling this cry it out - this is not cry it out. The majority of modern parents would not ever attempt cry it out. That is quite literally leaving them to cry. It. Out. As long as it takes, leave them alone. This is controlled crying and totally different. You don't abandon the baby, you teach them a new routine and how to ultimately get themself to sleep.

Consistency is key though. If you don't stick with it all you've done is go backwards, cause more damage and show them if they shout loud and long enough, they will get their way. Obviously they are going to get more upset and angry before it gets better. 11 months old is old enough to understand this and not need to be fed/held/rocked to sleep.

Again obviously it is totally your/dp choice how you sleep train or don't, but don't be surprised when they're two and still not sleeping without support.

GetOutOfMyVadge · 21/12/2022 09:01

teomama · 17/12/2022 21:04

Thanks all. The sleep trainer advised to message her if her method doesn’t seem to work well - which it doesn’t. My baby only gets more and more wired. I’ve reached out to her and in the meantime, try to calm the baby.

YANBU but you need to be on the same page. YABU for wasting money on a sleep trainer, but I know how desperate things can feel.

She's getting more wired because her body is being flooded with cortisol. She was crying because she needs you. You had to go in there because you are biologically wired to respond to your crying baby.

Most babies are 'troublesome sleepers'. To think otherwise is the result of unrealistic information on how much a baby will sleep, and expectations which are not developmentally or physically appropriate.

She'll be a child sleeping through the night before you know it. She needs those cuddles for healthy development, give her all that oxytocin.

She will be picking up on the stress and animosity around sleep and between you and your OH as well, co-regulation is really important for sleep - they mirror your heart rate, blood pressure and mood.

'Babies who learn that someone will respond to their needs, in a loving and appropriate way, typically go on to have better social, emotional and educational outcomes.'

theconversation.com/sleep-training-and-babies-why-crying-it-out-is-best-avoided-127044

whattodo1975 · 21/12/2022 09:04

panko · 17/12/2022 19:36

Your instincts kicked in. Follow them.

No one would be saying this of the dad had rushed in and undermined the mum.