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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people take the piss because I don't drink/don't go out?

55 replies

Skipsandskips · 17/12/2022 19:22

I may be over sensitive here, so please tell me I’m being unreasonable..

I don't drink, and never have apart from the odd one at Christmas or my birthday. I think partly because I'm not interested and partly because both my parents have been alcoholics my whole life (mum stopped 5 years ago but dad still is). They were abusive towards each other (never me) and ultimately divorced because of their problems years ago. I think this has had a long lasting affect on me. I'm also single and have been for around 6 years. I believe these are the reasons why people take the piss out of me.

I never go on nights out, (I don't have an issue with anyone who does btw) but it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I work all week and always look forward to my weekends off. I'm such a home bird. I could quite happily sit in the house all weekend with a good book or film, lounge around and order a takeaway or even just potter around and clean the house. It's what I've planned all week. I normally go out during the day for various reasons - food shopping, to meet a friend for lunch or for a nice walk somewhere and to grab a coffee. On special occasions I'll meet up with family or friends for a meal out during the night but I'm normally home early and I don't drink. Some people might look at this and think what a boring life, but it's what I like and I'm very happy living this way.

People know that I don't go out very often and honestly believe that I will drop everything and pander to them if needed. I get calls/texts regularly asking if I can take them somewhere or pick them up from a meal/night out, or even take them to the city centre an hour away so they can do their Christmas shopping. It's always on a weekend and it's starting to really annoy me the way they assume that I don't have a life. Who wants to drive around late at night, in the freezing cold dealing with drunk people? Not me. Yes, I stay at home most weekends but those ARE my plans and they are constantly being ruined. If I was out drinking with them or with a partner I wouldn't be able to do it so why is this any different? I've done my fair share in the past and would always help out in the event of an emergency, but why the hell can't people just get a taxi or book a hotel if needs be. They are all adults and should be able to arrange their own transport to/from these places. It would be completely different if they asked me a few weeks in advance, but it’s always at the last minute and I'm finding myself telling lies just so I don't have to do it.

I've felt guilty saying no previously so I’ve just done it, but then begrudged them as it’s ruined my weekend. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 17/12/2022 19:26

YNBU, this would naff me off to. Id stop answering the phone or replying to their messages !

Milly2022 · 17/12/2022 19:26

YANBU. If they can afford to go out, shopping or whatever then they can afford to get a cab. Tell them all quite firmly no, you have plans.

Quveas · 17/12/2022 19:27

You described me until the whole "people expect". These a quick cure for other people's expectations. No. Sorry. I'm not available. If its a genuine emergency and I can help I will. Beyond that, I have my own life. I've never had the problems you talking about, so I think this is more about you than them.

Melon9 · 17/12/2022 19:30

Of course it's not acceptable unless it's an emergency.

You can just tell them you're busy or don't answer your phone on an evening, they'll leave a message if its important.

Thelongwayround · 17/12/2022 19:32

You lost me at ‘my fair share’ - your fair share of another adult’s transport arrangements is zero! Some people will just take as much as you’ll allow. It’s unfortunately up to you to say no.

Relocatiorelocation · 17/12/2022 19:33

Who is asking all these things of you?
You just need to say no,however many times it takes.

AmITooTired · 17/12/2022 19:34

YANBU.

I just want to comment for solidary, you sound a lot like me.
Got some shit from others too.
Best thing I ever did was make a new friend with someone who was even more homebody than me 🤗.

Easier said than done, but don’t let the comments get you down.

Couldyounot · 17/12/2022 19:35

Bet these people never offer petrol money.

YAANBU to say no.

Blinkingheckythump · 17/12/2022 19:35

These people aren't taking the piss because you don't drink, they are taking the piss because you let them

NeverHadANickname · 17/12/2022 19:38

I know you said you feel bad for saying no but you really shouldn't. You don't even need an excuse, you can just say no to them. You are not a taxi service. YANBU.

FrostyFox · 17/12/2022 19:38

AmITooTired · 17/12/2022 19:34

YANBU.

I just want to comment for solidary, you sound a lot like me.
Got some shit from others too.
Best thing I ever did was make a new friend with someone who was even more homebody than me 🤗.

Easier said than done, but don’t let the comments get you down.

Also posting for solidarity. Maybe we need an ongoing home birds thread.

OP, are you waiting for permission to say no? Because you can give that to yourself, right now!

FlappyFish · 17/12/2022 19:39

Who are these people? If you don’t go out at the weekend at all (whether drinking or whatever) when do you see friends?

I don’t go out drinking either by the way as I’m in recovery so no judgment on that part. But are they cack handedly trying to include you? I had folks do the same.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2022 19:40

Yabu - you’re ruining your own weekend by saying yes and letting people walk all over you

Original poster
Skipsandskips · 17/12/2022 19:40

I've definitely been a push over and I know I need to be firmer. I always feel guilty saying no and feel like I have to explain myself and come up with an excuse as to why I can't do it, rather than just saying "I'm busy". I apologise profusely when I don't do it, it's ridiculous. I don't help myself at times.

Many of my friends have children as well and will ask me to look after them so they can go out, but if I wanted to look after kids all weekend surely I'd have my own?

It's just getting me down and I feel like I can't enjoy my weekends anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skipsandskips · 17/12/2022 19:41

@Relocatiorelocation friends mainly, but sometimes family as well

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 17/12/2022 19:44

Skipsandskips · 17/12/2022 19:40

I've definitely been a push over and I know I need to be firmer. I always feel guilty saying no and feel like I have to explain myself and come up with an excuse as to why I can't do it, rather than just saying "I'm busy". I apologise profusely when I don't do it, it's ridiculous. I don't help myself at times.

Many of my friends have children as well and will ask me to look after them so they can go out, but if I wanted to look after kids all weekend surely I'd have my own?

It's just getting me down and I feel like I can't enjoy my weekends anymore.

You need to work on why it makes you feel guilty to say no to people. I’m another one who can’t actually imagine feeling like this was an obligation I had to fulfil - I’m happy to help out if I want to or in an emergency, but my plans come first.

Original poster
Skipsandskips · 17/12/2022 19:44

@FlappyFish sorry if I didn't explain myself properly. I do see friends during the day, lunch out, some shopping or even for just a walk somewhere. I just don't go out during evenings/nights unless it's for a special occasion or someone has specifically asked me to (even then I don't stay out late and don't drink)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/12/2022 19:48

People aren't asking because you are a non drinker/no plans person, they are asking because you are a say yes person.

Start saying no. They'll stop asking.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 17/12/2022 19:53

Adopt the view that the only circs you will leave your cosy house for is if they have dialled 999 and no one came

FrostyFox · 17/12/2022 20:00

Stop apologising! Stop explaining! You really don’t need to.

Oysterbabe · 17/12/2022 20:01

My favourite thing to do is crochet and watch TV and I give not a single fuck what anyone else thinks. It's even better when DH goes out and I can do it alone.

Aprilx · 17/12/2022 20:14

Who are these people expecting things of you? It seems like it is friends and not even elderly parents or similar. I find the whole scenario absolutely bizarre because I have literally never heard of anyone that would ask a friend to provide taxi services to their social or shopping trips (when the friend is not partaking in the social or shipping trip that is).

Atethehalloweenchocs · 17/12/2022 20:23

Better to feel guilty than resentful.

Autumnisclose · 17/12/2022 20:29

Just be less available and stop saying yes. I used to have a parent at my DCs school who used to constantly ask me to collect his children. I just started leaving my phone at home/in the car. He soon got the message.

Pleiades2020 · 17/12/2022 20:38

Blinkingheckythump · 17/12/2022 19:35

These people aren't taking the piss because you don't drink, they are taking the piss because you let them

This. They know they can use you so they do. Also guilt is not a good reason to do things - if you're feeling guilty it's probably triggering something from your past, and leads to resentment. The best way to learn to say no is practice - the first few times it will be hard, then it gets easier, then you won't have to because your friends will know they can no longer take advantage of you. 'No, I've just run a bath. No, I've just put some food in the oven. No, I've actually just had a glass of wine and can't drive.' Or just turn your phone off.

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