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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people take the piss because I don't drink/don't go out?

55 replies

Skipsandskips · 17/12/2022 19:22

I may be over sensitive here, so please tell me I’m being unreasonable..

I don't drink, and never have apart from the odd one at Christmas or my birthday. I think partly because I'm not interested and partly because both my parents have been alcoholics my whole life (mum stopped 5 years ago but dad still is). They were abusive towards each other (never me) and ultimately divorced because of their problems years ago. I think this has had a long lasting affect on me. I'm also single and have been for around 6 years. I believe these are the reasons why people take the piss out of me.

I never go on nights out, (I don't have an issue with anyone who does btw) but it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I work all week and always look forward to my weekends off. I'm such a home bird. I could quite happily sit in the house all weekend with a good book or film, lounge around and order a takeaway or even just potter around and clean the house. It's what I've planned all week. I normally go out during the day for various reasons - food shopping, to meet a friend for lunch or for a nice walk somewhere and to grab a coffee. On special occasions I'll meet up with family or friends for a meal out during the night but I'm normally home early and I don't drink. Some people might look at this and think what a boring life, but it's what I like and I'm very happy living this way.

People know that I don't go out very often and honestly believe that I will drop everything and pander to them if needed. I get calls/texts regularly asking if I can take them somewhere or pick them up from a meal/night out, or even take them to the city centre an hour away so they can do their Christmas shopping. It's always on a weekend and it's starting to really annoy me the way they assume that I don't have a life. Who wants to drive around late at night, in the freezing cold dealing with drunk people? Not me. Yes, I stay at home most weekends but those ARE my plans and they are constantly being ruined. If I was out drinking with them or with a partner I wouldn't be able to do it so why is this any different? I've done my fair share in the past and would always help out in the event of an emergency, but why the hell can't people just get a taxi or book a hotel if needs be. They are all adults and should be able to arrange their own transport to/from these places. It would be completely different if they asked me a few weeks in advance, but it’s always at the last minute and I'm finding myself telling lies just so I don't have to do it.

I've felt guilty saying no previously so I’ve just done it, but then begrudged them as it’s ruined my weekend. AIBU?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 20:47

from your title I thought people were being unkind to you.

But there’s an easy cure for this - just say no. If you act like a doormat that is how a lot of people will treat you.

Oblomov22 · 17/12/2022 21:07

What? Why are you incapable of saying NO?

Crazycrazylady · 17/12/2022 21:27

I'd just tell people that you're not driving at night any more as your eyes struggle with the glare.

forrestgreen · 17/12/2022 21:38

Do you want to share examples of what 'friends'/users say and we can let you know what we'd say.

I don't drink and live alone. And never baby sit or provide lifts. So sorry it's your boundaries.

upfucked · 17/12/2022 21:40

I agree. The only time I’ve given people a lift to some where I’m not going is the people I live with ie husband and children or emergency doctor/hospital appointment.

Start saying no.

Ineedtosleep79 · 17/12/2022 21:43

Who the actual fuck is asking you to drive them to the city centre an hour away? I hope they are at least offering a fair wad of cash for that? Otherwise they're nuts!

Murphs1 · 17/12/2022 21:46

Gosh this is awful. You are not their taxi!! They are definitely taking advantage of you,
I wouldn't dream of calling a friend for a lift if I was out! You need to say no every time, or just ignore their texts and enjoy your weekend!

Fusciainertia · 17/12/2022 21:47

You've said that they are asking you, not demanding it. Even if they do expect it, it doesn't matter because they are asking.

Do you struggle to set boundaries/ say no in other areas of your life or just this?

Leeds2 · 17/12/2022 21:49

If you are finding it difficult to say no, for whatever reason, just stop answering your phone. You are not a taxi service.

Elieza · 17/12/2022 21:49

If they don’t do stuff for you then you don’t need to do stuff for them.

I too am a people pleaser and it’s hard to say no.

But it’s easier if you tell them you have plans and if they push don’t take any of their snash.

I have adopted a jammies on early and watch a film routine. You could perhaps do that too?

If you can’t say “no I can’t this week sorry” without backing it up you could surely manage “No sorry I can’t drop you off and pick you up any night this week as I’m getting my bath and jammies on at 5pm and binge watching (insert something with many series like Friends or Will And Grace or whatever) all evening and I’m really looking forward to it sorry”.

Ijuststoodonlego · 17/12/2022 21:53

Blinkingheckythump · 17/12/2022 19:35

These people aren't taking the piss because you don't drink, they are taking the piss because you let them

This^
Best thing I ever did was to say:
I'm mega busy right now, sorry but not sorry

tenbob · 17/12/2022 21:54

“Sorry, I have got plans”

”sorry, I am the middle of something”

you don’t have to lie, you don’t have to elaborate but being in the middle of cleaning or watching a film is a perfectly good reason to not pander to someone

LimeCheesecake · 17/12/2022 22:00

What is your relationship to these people?! My dcs are too young to ask for lifts but they are the only ones who I think could reasonably ask regularly to be taken places by me, possibly MIL (but my new bench mark for what’s reasonable for her to do involves referencing that she was able to get the train to London and queue to see the queen all night by herself!).

just say no. A quick reply to texts with “no, can’t do” not a sorry or an explanation why would suffice. If you were going into town to meet friends then ok maybe meet on the way, but otherwise just say no. Can’t believe anyone asks a single parent this regularly. Who has your dcs when you are ferrying?!

Jennybeans401 · 17/12/2022 22:02

I also don't drink and hate being around people are pissed, people say I'm boring 'why don't you have a few?'.I really don't care, I also would tell them I'm not ferrying them around on my weekends.

You just need to be firm with them. No.

Enjoy your nice weekend without a horrible hangover and with a calm and pleasant mood.

Wiloswisp · 17/12/2022 22:02

Turn off the read receipts for texts and WhatsApp.
Get a dog,
”sorry I was busy with the dog”

LimeCheesecake · 17/12/2022 22:03

Oh and you might find if you say no to everything - including the lifts you could easily do - for a 2 month period, they’ll stop asking. Set a challenge - by feb half term you will have given lifts to no one. See what happens.

(although obviously ignore if there’s going to be a drip feed that the person asking does free childcare so you can work or gifted you the car on the understanding you’d do lifts!)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2022 22:10

It's notto do with you not drinking. It's to do with you being a people pleaser, and attracting people who probably aren't genuine friends. People who expect lifts and babysitting in a non emergency situation are users. Literally no one has ever asked me for anything like this unless they've been completely stuck, or they wanted to come to some sort of reciprocal arrangement. The people you know, are cheeky fuckera and would likely still ask you even if they thought you were going out a few times a week

Rainbowqueeen · 17/12/2022 22:15

Either say “I have plans that night, hope you get something sorted” or don’t answer your phone.

They will get the message after a while. If anyone is really persistent start asking them for favours. So if they call and call “can you look after Little Jonny on Friday night” say “oh I was just going to call you and ask if you could help paint my living room that night”. If they see it’s not a one way street they will change

Carlycat · 18/12/2022 02:19

Nothing to do with your not drinking. Everything to do with you being a push over

Newbeginings2 · 18/12/2022 13:27

I know I'm not answering your question directly, but I too can spend days alone at home, just enjoying a good book and nice walk. I used to attend events because I felt I should and was a people pleaser. Not any more!

Claudia84 · 18/12/2022 13:29

This doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the fact you don't drink, and more to do with the people you know taking the piss.

WannabeMathematician · 18/12/2022 13:32

Yeah, I’ve been teetotal for over ten years. Never ever has anyone tried this on me.

Have you tried just turning off your phone?

SpentDandelion · 18/12/2022 13:32

Nothing wrong with not drinking and enjoying your time at home. I watch The Cottage Fairy on youtube, she lives a lovely calm quiet way of life.
I hardly drink and much prefer staying in now, sometimes l put some music on and have a dance and in the summer you will find me in my garden.

RodiganReed · 18/12/2022 13:36

"I can't, hope you get sorted soon though. X"

Don't apologise, don't explain.

LlynTegid · 18/12/2022 14:03

Just say no. Exceptions such as someone getting to an elderly relative or hospital visit if they have no car, perhaps, but these could be very few and far between.

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