Friend only interested in talking about herself

[7upandup]

My best friend is driving me mad.
This is more of a rant than anything and opinions on how to deal with the situation welcome..
We usually talk via messenger. I've noticed the past few months if she starts a conversation she's really into it, lots of detail and paragraphs about what the topic of conversation is. I reply back interested in what ever it is and it's a proper two and throw conversation.
If I start a conversation for instance, dh and his family had a falling out over Xmas plans and I was explaining the ins and outs and she just replied oh no.
If it was her and a family drama or what ever else, like I said she would have big paragraphs about it...and I would offer opinions, sympathy, support or just rant along with her like friends do.
This has happened so much I'm starting to get offended and annoyed.
She even changes the subject back to her.

For instance if I sent her something like 'fell on the ice earlier infront of everyone in the street, had to be helped up by neighbour, mortified she would reply something like

Oh no!
Omg I was walking to shop and bumped into Margaret who I knew from when I was a kid...was so good seeing her.

So many conversations end up like that!

You need to learn to reply 'oh no' to her next time too.

Maybe 'oh that's a shame'

Then change the subject back to you.

Play her game.

I dumped someone like this. For example, I went to the funeral of a friend that day, she was more interested in talking about a guy she fancied who wasn't very interested. I had a breast cancer scare, she just said I'm sure it will be fine. That kind of thing.

It's really undermining when people are like this OP. It's amazing that they keep any friends at all, really. I read the other day it's called conversational narcissism. If you do stay friends with her, make sure you put less effort into supporting her with her issues. You might feel less resentful then. Save your energies for those people who care about you.

If she still lives at home and mum cooks her meals she probably isn't very mature. I don't know why you're comparing yourself. You're living in the real world and she isn't. Just give vague, short replies.

It doesn't sound like great therapy then. Therapy should help people work through your issues so that you're no longer preoccupied by them. It should make you more resilient, not less. There may be a short period when you become more reflective but ultimately it should help you to be more honest and open in your relationships.

So just do the same back. Just offload all your news and what you want to say.

I've tried this and it's not so much a conversation as an exchange of factual information with zero feedback from self absorbed friends. It's boring and draining and next year I think I will be much firmer in being unavailable.

My brother is like this. I speak to him maybe once a year at Christmas now and am much happier for it.

The thing is that people can only do this if other people allow them to do it.

There are a lot of self-absorbed people in the world and if they have never learned that you can't just talk about yourself they won't necessarily pick this up.

You have to decide whether you think its worth investing enough in this person by telling her she's at risk losing friendships or if you think she's just fatally selfish. You don't have to put up with it and you'd be well within your rights not to bother. But if she's a trusted friend you'd actually be doing her a favour by telling her how much she's pissed you off.

What's a two and throw conversation ?

@IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready

😂😂😂

Yes god forbid I made a spelling error, let's all point and laugh and send laughing emojis because it makes you feel better about your own pathetic lives.
You think it makes you more superior and intelligent but your only contribution to someone's thread is to pick apart their spelling mistakes. Pathetic.

@Thepeopleversuswork yes your right. It's having the balls to confront them about it that's the problem. I would feel harsh and rude but to be honest, I'm at the end of my tether with it now. I think I will either have to tell her how offensive I find it or just treat her the same way until she gets the message.
I've noticed a huge surge in self absorbed people, mainly due to tiktok and Instagram, twitter. People think their opinions are fact, constant selfies and videos upon videos of themselves talking to a camera, like they are celebrities. Several social media stories posted per day, like their lives are so interesting for people to watch. It's like a generation of narcissists.

Why?

Is she like this in person @7upandup as much as on messenger?

Certainly on messenger I would start replying like she does, on the assumption that is all she needs as it is all she has afforded you.

Does she live too far for you to meet up often in person? I really dislike messenger/text messages for conversations other then once in a blue moon. I would start ringing instead, unless she is like this one the phone too...definitely doesn't seem much point in typing it all out in messenger for her to make you feel like this. Just send a message and ask if she has 20 mins for chat.

An awful lot of people are like this. I think as you get older you tend to notice it more

Most definitely! I'm in my 50s now and my circle of friends is small, precisely because I phased there types of people out of my life. I was getting nothing from the friendships. I was just their audience. Or someone for them to dump their problems on. After many years of being a bit of a people pleaser, I now only let someone in (and keep them in) if they bring real value to my life. My time is precious and I want to spend it with people I enjoy being with.

@BelaBartok she doesn't like phone calls, prefers to chat via messenger. She sometimes doesn't open it for ages, despite been online and posting on stories.
When she does reply it's very short and brief, unless she has started a conversation or a rant about something.
She lives ten mins drive from me but doesn't drive. I see her once every few months.

@Fuwari that's an admirable way to live, I need to start implementing these rules in to my own life.

Oh get over yourself.

Are you friends with my mother OP? I rang her to tell her the midwife couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. She responded with the fact she'd been at the doctor's earlier too and spent the next 20 minutes wittering on about endless minor medical irritants. Surprisingly I no longer have contact.

@Fladdermus Christ. That's terrible.
Hope you are ok? Did you go and get checked out? Everything crossed for you that all is well.

@Fladdermus sorry just saw you don't have contact now, so I assume this happened a while ago. Better off I reckon.

DS is now 9 and doing fine. Still a bugger for triggering panic attacks in me though.

@Fladdermus aww I'm so glad, even if he does give you panic attacks

One of my friends has gone like this. Huge rants on the group chat about her (often imaginary) problems, then another friend will say e.g. "I've had to take my son to A&E, he's having breathing difficulties" and she'll reply the likes of "Oh no." No follow up asking how the son is getting on etc, no genuine sympathy. It's so odd, like they've read a book on how to do the bare minimum to appear not a psycho.

I'm putting up with it for now because she used to be alright, I think in her case it's a combination of being increasing successful and also quite depressed - the combo driving increasing self-absorption & a severe lack of empathy. Hoping she comes back to some kind of normality.