Help!!! Support DH going full no contact with his parent? Trigger warning CSA

[VioletLemon]

Any advice or reassurance hugely appreciated. Apologies for anxious Post. Keen to hear what others think.

My DH's elderly parent who lives relatively close. Historically, parent has been a bully, pressuring DH into a competitive sport he hated in childhood, criticising him alot, shaming him in front of friends, being explosive and strongly favouring and publicly celebrating other child but never DH.

Worst part is - DH was touched inappropriately often by the other (now late) parent, sexual innuendo, 'jokey style' groping, embarrassing comments through his teen years which I witnessed. He is deeply traumatised by this but being a v practical person just gets on with life and won't go for therapy. After the death DH abstractly mentioned this and parent said they knew but this was "just what * was like".

4 years on and DH's contact with parent has dwindled massively, DH has tried to help with various things but is lectured, feels so angry and resentful that he has said he doesn't want to see parent again, won't answer phone and doesn't care what anyone says. It's been 10 weeks since last visit. Situation is made more difficult by parent being very binary in thought, narcissistic, really difficult and intolerant.

DH wants my support but selfishly I'm feeling ill at things just being left hanging. I keep bringing it up, asking has he called to say one way or other what will happen at Xmas. I can't cope with this aspect of it. I worry DH will regret this. He feels parent will die soon and says he is done with relationship.

I want to do what's right for DH but the just not phoning, visiting with no explanation is eating me up. Its brutal but he was brutalised over a lifetime. Please help!!!!

YABU I should support DH to go no contact
YANBU I should endeavour to help him communicate with parent

YABU. this is your husbands decision not yours. And your discomfort is totally irrelevant here. Support him to break away from this toxic person. How would you feel if you were in his shoes??

Be there and support him. This decision is really his alone.

I think you need to support whatever your dh wants.

Maybe post in relationships for some in depth advice. Posters can signpost you to material that may help.

Yabu. Going NC can be very difficult you should support him

I hope that this is a reverse. Why would you force someone to see the person who enabled their abuser and won't condemn them ?

I understand why your h needs to do this. I believe him and wish him all the best

Encouraging a survivor of childhood abuse to forgive and have a relationship with their abuser is no different from telling women to forgive and date their rapist. It’s awful and can re-traumatise us all over again because what we hear when people tell us to ‘forgive’ and ‘keep the connection’ is really ‘I don’t believe any of it happened to you, stop being so dramatic and be nice.’

YABVU to not support your DH in this.

Agree with others this is your DHs choice. I am completely NC with all of my family due to CSA I have come to terms with that and I don’t have any regrets.

In the main this type of abuse thrives in very narcissistic family systems because narcissistic people are precisely the types of people to lack the empathy and create the confusion around them that supports and enables these types of behaviour by having zero regard for the boundaries of others. Additionally narcissistic people often end up happily coupled up together or alternatively with very codependent enabling people. The dynamics are corrosive and very destructive.

Why are you so bothered about the other parent and how things are breaking down? You need to be learning about heathy boundaries too because you seen to be struggling with this too.

Yabu. Why would you feel bad for the arsehole 'parent'

They knew their child was being sexually abused and ignored it, while beasting the kid themselves.

What is wrong with you

YABU. Support your DH and stop projecting whatever regrets you have onto him. He owes his parents nothing and is very brave to go NC.

Thank you, that's very helpful. I do support him going no contact, I just find the nature of it v hard to process. Perhaps it's because I'm wanting him to have the chance to 'end' the relationship by putting a full stop in, in terms of his closure but it's just hanging.

I experienced v similar CSA and your point re boundaries and narcissists is so accurate. I didn't go no contact but wish I had as my toxic parent died before I was in a place I could finish it. Maybe that's my problem.

Thanks, I will.

It's not "hanging". He's decided the relationship is over. So it's over. There's nothing more to do.

This is clearly triggering some of your stuff, but you need to support him, so you need to find some support outside the relationship to deal with your baggage on this.

My DH went completely no contact with his one surviving parent (no CSA involved, they were just generally nasty)
Said parent died without DH ever having contact again (five plus years no contact)
He was in a much better frame when no contact and was relieved when they finally died.
I was the one who felt sorry that the parent died without a final goodbye (they asked a sibling if DH would visit their deathbed, DH refused)

Thanks but you've misunderstood, I didn't say I felt sorry for the toxic parent. I was concerned my DH would regret not confronting the whole thing and telling parent he's had enough and wondering should I go with the flow or help him end it. Maybe I didn't word it well.

Do you want your dh to contact his parent and tell them that he won’t be in contact with them ever again?
what do you think this would accomplish?

this is what going nc looks like. A decision is made, for what ever reason, in what ever circumstance and there is never any more communication.

I am nc with my mum. We had a falling out in 2017 and we never spoke again. Neither of us ever actually said the words but as time went on, I realised I wasn’t bothered by not seeing or speaking to her. In fact, I was less tense and have now made my peace with the fact that I will probably never see her speak to her again.

I didn't go no contact but wish I had as my toxic parent died before I was in a place I could finish it. Maybe that's my problem.

Ah, OP, that makes sense. I am so sorry you've had to deal with this too. Everyone copes differently and if you haven't processed what happened to you maybe you need to seek some help too.

I think you are in a situation where there is no comfortable answer whatever is done, and sitting with that discomfort is going to be really hard. Good thing you both have each other for support.

As far as your DH is concerned, he has put "an end" to it.... it's you who doesn't have an "end".

And it's not about whether you feel it's left hanging or not. Your DH has made the decision that he is NC.... respect his decision and stop adding to his distress and bringing it up.

Thank you. Can I ask, did your DH have any kind of closure on the ending of the contact or just end it by ceasing contact. I just can't get my head around 'how' it works. I have my own issues which are being triggered. I felt like I should start looking after his parent to enable DH to be out picture but see now that's wrong.

DH has toxic narcissistic parent. It took therapy for him to set boundaries. They are broken. Let your DH make his choice. Talking to these kind of people like his parents does little. They won’t change.

Bizzarely it's only now I'm realising that. Thank you.

Is your DH's parent expecting to turn up on Christmas Day? If so, then this needs sorting out beforehand and your DH needs to engage with this otherwise it's likely to spoil everyone's day. If not then it's OK to just crack on with no contact.

Thank you, I see now I've not been able to understand what it actually means. I'm glad you feel better NC , that's great.

this is something that people with ‘normal’ parents just do not understand. Not all parents are nice.

NC with my mother for 7 years when she died this summer. Felt nothing but relief. Support him.

Just leave him to do what he needs to do. Explaining or putting an end to things doesn't help, they'll be arguments and the other party will want to hash things out, it's the nature of a narcissist. You just draw a line and say no more.

My narcissistic father died recently and it's brought me nothing but relief, no worries about not tackling things before he died as I know his version of events wouldn't change. I'd still be in the wrong and he'd try to wiggle things around to fit his narrative.

Just be there for him but FGS stop bringing it up, it's the last thing he needs, he's trying to shut the door on all of it, the pain and negative emotions and you keep flinging it wide open and bringing up the feelings he's trying to detach himself from.