Help!!! Support DH going full no contact with his parent? Trigger warning CSA

[VioletLemon]

Any advice or reassurance hugely appreciated. Apologies for anxious Post. Keen to hear what others think.

My DH's elderly parent who lives relatively close. Historically, parent has been a bully, pressuring DH into a competitive sport he hated in childhood, criticising him alot, shaming him in front of friends, being explosive and strongly favouring and publicly celebrating other child but never DH.

Worst part is - DH was touched inappropriately often by the other (now late) parent, sexual innuendo, 'jokey style' groping, embarrassing comments through his teen years which I witnessed. He is deeply traumatised by this but being a v practical person just gets on with life and won't go for therapy. After the death DH abstractly mentioned this and parent said they knew but this was "just what * was like".

4 years on and DH's contact with parent has dwindled massively, DH has tried to help with various things but is lectured, feels so angry and resentful that he has said he doesn't want to see parent again, won't answer phone and doesn't care what anyone says. It's been 10 weeks since last visit. Situation is made more difficult by parent being very binary in thought, narcissistic, really difficult and intolerant.

DH wants my support but selfishly I'm feeling ill at things just being left hanging. I keep bringing it up, asking has he called to say one way or other what will happen at Xmas. I can't cope with this aspect of it. I worry DH will regret this. He feels parent will die soon and says he is done with relationship.

I want to do what's right for DH but the just not phoning, visiting with no explanation is eating me up. Its brutal but he was brutalised over a lifetime. Please help!!!!

YABU I should support DH to go no contact
YANBU I should endeavour to help him communicate with parent

But there’s no good that’s going to come out of a conversation with your abusive parent that you don’t want contact with. They aren’t going to go fair enough I respect your view over what happened and the boundaries you want to put in place. It’s just another chance to hurt your DP.

and with respect to ‘looking after’ this parent instead of your DP doing it. First of all what a huge betrayal second the consequences of mistreating your children/family is that you’ll probably end up alone. Leave them to it.

Possibly, yes. It's all just unsaid really. Having MH illness re anxiety I'm really wound up because nothing is confirmed, not confirmed. I just need to deal with it though. Thanks.

Well even if he did confront parent and lay it out he’s not going to get contrition is he. They won’t apologise or feel bad, they will turn it around on him and wound him some more. He’s doing the right thing, every contact he’s having with them is painful to him, why should he subject himself to even more.

Would your dh consider writing them a letter explaining he is go8ng NC as this may lessen the chances of them repeatedly ringing or even turning up?

I never had a conversation with my mother saying I was going NC but my brother did tell her that he was going NC and that I felt the same. Apart from the odd nasty email/letter I didn’t hear from her again.

Sorry Violet, that was my clumsy attempt at saying you should support your husband and follow his lead on what he wants to do (I only said that I felt sorry, because I did (feel sorry) I supported and accepted what my husband had opted to do.

As someone who went NC for far less with my entire family, and it was the best thing i ever did.

Please support DH. Please don’t make it your issue.

I think you are still trying to act like normal relationship rules apply.

Thank you, that's helpful.

OP, if you take over and start looking after his parent, you will just be used as a conduit to hurt your DH. This will take a huge toll on your relationship.

Does it help, anxiety-wise, to reframe this situation with your in-law and consider it not hanging? It's decided. The parent is never going to give any closure, your DH has to make it for himself. He's done so, and now you can move on.

Your anxiety is not your DH's problem to solve for you.

8 years after I went NC with 2 of my relatives, my mother still frets to me about who will look after them in their old age when they were depending on me, etc etc.

She knows how awful they were to me, but she can't stop feeling anxious and guilty that I'm not being 'nice', and talking to me about it all the time. I cannot tell you how hurtful and tiresome this is to me, and how alone and un-cared-for it makes me feel.

I know it is just her anxiety - but frankly, I'm done with being used as a receptacle for other people's uncomfortable feelings. Which is essentially what happens when an anxious person fixates on trying to control circumstances in other people's lives.

I am sorry you are both in this situation. But you need to step back and leave this to your DH, and support him, and recognise there is no other role in this for you.

Your DH experience something where he had no power and no control.

He needs to have that now, you have to stop trying to take over. Just be there for him and stop making it about you.

Yes, I think I'm starting to understand that now. You're right, it's the anxious partner trying to exert some control, which can't work. It really does feel manageable to think it's not hanging, he's decided. Thank you so much. I'm glad you've been able to make these changes, it sounds v hard when your mother cant/won't accept it.