AIBU: I don't want to talk about it

[Queenofscones]

In pre-Covid times I was a part of two social/ community groups that were legendary for their Christmas parties. There wasn't a lot of booze involved, but people threw themselves into having a good time. There was dressing up and dressing down, some silly games, a cabaret in which the hopeless got as much applause and laughter as the talented... People still talk about those evenings for the warmth and bonding they fostered.

So this year both groups decided to hold Christmas parties — and despite a lot of hard work from the people who organised them, both evenings fell flat.

What happened to all the lovely people I used to know who'd put some effort into having a good time?

I don't want to talk about your mental health issues at length because we're here to have a good time so that you can go home feeling a little better.
I'm sorry to hear about the people who've died in the two years since we last met and who you're still in mourning for, and let's meet so that you can talk about it another time — but not now. Let's have some fun now.
Let's swap brief Covid/ flu stories if we have to and then move on. Please.
I'm sorry you hate Christmas but I really don't, right now, want to hear about your terrible childhood and the scars it's left. Let's turn it around by having a good time.
I don't want to look at pictures of your children and grandchildren on your phone and hear about how beautiful and talented they are.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum/ teens/ minor health concern but let's dance, shall we, and forget them for half an hour? Grumble to me about them in the new year.

What's happened to people? I'm not some OTT life-and-soul-of-the-party type but I know that these events only work if you put a bit of warmth and energy into them. Is it Covid that's made everyone so introspective and self-obsessed? What happened to the outgoing, funny people I used to know?

You’d have to ask them OP. I’m still partying

I get what you're saying but clearly they did want to talk, and if you're their friends clearly they feel that they can talk to you. Maybe they don't have many other people they can talk to, and it's difficult to just 'forget for half an hour and dance' when you feel consumed with emptiness/grief.

It's been a dreadful few years for many people. Let them moan, if they need.

You're lucky that you clearly seem to find it easy to switch off from your problems and have a good time. If i hadn't seen my friends in a while I'd want to hear about what was going on for them, whether that be good or bad.

So your message to the people you call friends is ' I'm sorry you are sad, but you are no fun to be with when you are unhappy. You are ruining it for me.'

Some mate you are.

And in answer to your question, ' What happened to the fun people I used to know'. Life shit happened to them. They are not quite so happy now and were looking for connective support from someone they thought was a friend and not just an empty fun bunny.

I've been in touch with many of these people over the past couple of years and I'm already familiar with most of the things they keep talking about.

I just don't think you ask people to organise a party so that you can revisit good times and then behave in a way designed to make the event a real downer. Too many of them did that. I had self-absorbed people complaining to me that the people they were sitting with were too self-absorbed.

I wonder whether people are used to going on social media and talking about their problems or their grandchildren and getting likes or input, and they now carry that over into real life.

WTF is wrong with you? Do you even realise how self absorbed you sound? "I'm so sorry your mum just died of cancer but cant you just forget about that and do some karaoke so I can have a good time at this party!!!"

Bloody hell.

What happened to the outgoing, funny people I used to know?

mental health issues
the people who've died in the two years since we last met and who you're still in mourning for
Covid/ flu
mum/ teens/ health concern
your terrible childhood and the scars it's left

these events only work if you put a bit of warmth and energy into them

'I don't want to talk about (you)'
'not now'
'I really don't, right now, want to hear'
'I don't want to look at pictures' (of positive things)
'Grumble to me about them in the new year'

OP, there's not much warmth and energy coming from you there.

It sounds as though they were there seeking connection and meaningfulness, to try and get back the feelings when everything was 'normal' and a couple of beers + some fancy dress could disguise the emptiness or pain inside. But you didn't want to hear about them, you just wanted a drink and dancing and everything kept on a superficial level.

You don't sound like much of a friend tbh.

I've had my fair share of life shit. If you'd read my OP properly you'll see I offered to listen at a more appropriate time.

I haven't asked anyone to throw a really great party like we used to have in the good old days and then come along and treat it like a therapy session.

You’re expecting people to just brush off their terrible experiences and have a good time so you can enjoy yourself?

Sorry, but it really isn’t that easy. I don’t feel like dancing and partying when DH has stage 4 cancer, am I supposed to just sit at home though or lie when someone says ‘hey, how are you?’?
You sound very lacking in empathy tbh. It’s been a very difficult few years for lots of people and it’s hard to shake off.

You sound like the self-absorbed one OP.

They need one thing, you need another.
Not a good recipe for a party or gathering.

YANBU.

Parties aren’t the time to being people down. I get really drained by these kinds of people. I also think it’s slightly rude to force someone to be your listening ear constantly. These people I find NEVER ask how YOU are

I’d don your hard hat though OP. This is MN. People are allergic to having fun

You have an incredibly fixed view about the purpose of these parties, and only one viewpoint about what ‘good’ looks like

The success of a party is not measured in how much applause there is after someone does a crap turn on a stage, or how many people dad dance to Sweet Caroline

That might be what YOUR idea is a good party is, but you are not the party police, and if others felt a nice night was spent chatting to people they hadn’t seen much of, you aren’t in charge of that

Send me the address of your party. I'm not even much a party person but even I need some fun!

You sound a shit friend to be honest.
You expect people to turn off their problems so you can have a good ( legendary) night.
I'm completely embarrassed for you and your shitty narrative.

Where’s the party OP? I’ d come, and I’d leave my troubles behind for the night., because that’s what a party is for.

I think the last couple of years have knocked some people sideways. People on MN aren't allergic to having fun @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet what a silly thing to say

Interesting OP! I am due to hold a party this month, used to do it before the Covid times and we all had a ball.

on reading mn I am expecting lots of no shows and now, lots of miserable people! We’ll see.

DH and I have lowered our expectations right down.

perhaps there are fewer social occasions now (post Covid and CoL) that people don’t have a chance to air their grievances and have to do it on any occasion possible?

it would piss me off too

Wow. So you want people who sound like the last few years have traumatised them, to put a pin in it to make your life fun.

Shockingly tone deaf.

I'm with you OP. If you're in such a bad way that you can't get up and party then at least don't get in the way of those who do want to party.
Were there games still organised OP and karaoke? Did these happen or was part of the problem that the organiser didn't organise these like they used to?

I'm not your mindless party-fun type, LydiaBennet, and I'm certainly not one of those relentlessly positive types, so I'm surprised at how strongly I feel about this. But how fucking dare they approach the people who've organised these events over the years and say please, please, please will we organise another party so they can have some fun and then spend the entire evening spreading misery.

Enough. When I was young I lost a partner to suicide. Even when I was on my knees with grief I was grateful for the chance of a good time in which I could temporarily forget myself.

This. Holy shit.

You’re even complaining about the ones showing you photos of their loved ones and saying happy things about them though!

Is the only thing they’re allowed to do is dance, throwing themselves around shouting, “I’m having so much FUN!”

I do agree that a whole evening of missy stories would be draining - but I lost sympathy when you don’t even want to hear people sharing their positives either!