AIBU: I don't want to talk about it

[Queenofscones]

In pre-Covid times I was a part of two social/ community groups that were legendary for their Christmas parties. There wasn't a lot of booze involved, but people threw themselves into having a good time. There was dressing up and dressing down, some silly games, a cabaret in which the hopeless got as much applause and laughter as the talented... People still talk about those evenings for the warmth and bonding they fostered.

So this year both groups decided to hold Christmas parties — and despite a lot of hard work from the people who organised them, both evenings fell flat.

What happened to all the lovely people I used to know who'd put some effort into having a good time?

I don't want to talk about your mental health issues at length because we're here to have a good time so that you can go home feeling a little better.
I'm sorry to hear about the people who've died in the two years since we last met and who you're still in mourning for, and let's meet so that you can talk about it another time — but not now. Let's have some fun now.
Let's swap brief Covid/ flu stories if we have to and then move on. Please.
I'm sorry you hate Christmas but I really don't, right now, want to hear about your terrible childhood and the scars it's left. Let's turn it around by having a good time.
I don't want to look at pictures of your children and grandchildren on your phone and hear about how beautiful and talented they are.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum/ teens/ minor health concern but let's dance, shall we, and forget them for half an hour? Grumble to me about them in the new year.

What's happened to people? I'm not some OTT life-and-soul-of-the-party type but I know that these events only work if you put a bit of warmth and energy into them. Is it Covid that's made everyone so introspective and self-obsessed? What happened to the outgoing, funny people I used to know?

Meh what you describe seems like a film to me. In real life, people have shit going on. You can't "snap out" or grief or depression. In fact, it's times like Christmas that make it even harder, hence increase in suicide rates.

Yes, YOU wanted a party. But people aren't robots. You either accept them, or move on and find another group of people.

We used pretty much the same formula as we have in the past: a funny MC who tried to get people involved, some team games to get people laughing and working together, a cabaret (some people very professional, others wonderfully bad) and then some more games if wanted, then dancing. Four years ago we had everyone up on the dane floor. But at both events (I was only involved in organising one but attended both) many people who would in previous years have thrown themselves into the fray didn't get involved. We couldn't get people up for games, some people talked through others' performances... The whole thing was flat. Contrary to what I may seem, I'm the empathetic type who listens to people (and have listened to a lot of these people at length over the last few years). We ended up with maybe a third of people fleeing to the dance floor, and a third pinned down by the remaining third who were intent on talking. And more or less the same thing happened at both events.

It's as if people have forgotten that to have a good time you need to put something into it.

You know I understand where you are coming from- a party is to blow off steam- have fun- serious convos and dampening the already shit atmosphere are for another time. I guess people don’t go out as much and it’s been rough, and topple it out because not as much socialising is done. We all mostly work from home.
i get what you mean. A party is for partying, a catch up is to talk about life etc
it depends on the vibe tbh- sometimes at the end of a big party and people wind down and are drunk then the chatting starts. It is hard keeping people upbeat when it feels like it’s just you taking on their stuff when you have your own shit. Raising spirits is hard
my mums got leukaemia and I lost two close relatives the past two years- boy do I want to go out get pissed and dance it all off- not dwell on it.

You sound like a fair-weather friend

I am surprised at some of the responses you have had OP. Nobody I know or work with is still talking about covid and the pandemic and the Christmas party was last night and I am absolutely sure it was a fun evening (I was very disappointed that I couldn’t make it).

Thank you, Cakeandcoffee, for understanding what I'm saying.

And for a previous poster who berated me for insisting on holding a party and inviting all these traumatised people to it, I (and the other organisers) would have loved not to have gone to all the trouble of organising the event. We only did so because people practically begged us to.

One of the things our community parties are known for is the lack of booze. People do drink and there is a bar, but the emphasis has always been on everyone having a good time without needing to drink and very few people get pissed. We've always managed to create a warm, funny atmosphere in the past without having to depend on booze. These were events that people used to go home from feeling affectionate and positive about each other and it's been really sad to see that go.

I agree op, and I think people have forgotten how to escape. Being able to escape from the realities of life occasionally is an important skill. Everyone needs respite.

They sound better off without you tbh.

I agree with you Op. I'm sick of the whingefest that everybody seems to want these days. I'm very sure it doesn't contribute to a healthy mental outlook. Whatever happened to positive mindset and getting on with stuff?

I hope your event goes better @Essexhousehusbands If you're organising something for like-minded friends you might do better than I did. Many of the people who came to the event I was involved in organising are from a group that came together in the local community. Even so, it's odd that so may of them seemed to have slid into a me-me-me sort of space when in the past they've been more positive and outward-looking.

But I think we can see from the responses here that there are lots of people who can't see the slightly bigger picture.

In my darkest hours, the ability to step beyond my misery and put on something resembling a happyish face and have a go at having a good time — asking people about themselves, pretending to be positive and upbeat — was what saved me. Because sometimes I'd find myself shifting from pretending to be okay to actually being okay and even laughing. And that really helps with brain chemistry.

I don't think that it's you that self absorbed, many have become obsessed with mental health and catastrophosing. Unfortunately there's a level of feeding off each other. The reason why the flappers dance halls took off was because people had, had enough misery and hardship during WW1 and their parents (born just before 1900) were born into real poverty and hardship. There was a conscious effort to have a good time, likewise during and after WW2. I've said on other threads, there isn't enough blessing counting. We've (not me, I'm second generation immigrant) have been shielded from disease and death, but this is life for many across the world without our positives. My friend from Nigeria has said to me pre pandemic that the celebrations in Nigeria are so big because there's so much sadness and nothing is guaranteed, women die in childbirth still etc in the best hospitals. Like you when I've had bad times (Widowed, pregnancy loss, close relatives death etc), I've been conscious of staying at home, or not bringing everyone down around me.

"I don't want to talk about how self-absorbed you are; this is about me!"

I understand where the op is coming from - used to know someone who just talked about his mental health. I got the impression he wanted me to be his therapist. Because I once refused to meet him, he then blamed me for the shit that followed.

(I was having my own issues to deal with and it was getting draining)

I agree with you completely OP. Maybe I'm wrong but I thought parties were meant to be for having fun and an 'escape' all that horrible stuff.

I wouldn't dream of discussing any bad times I went through at a party. Stuff like that is kept to myself. People are getting a little obsessed with all this "Let's talk" stuff. No, I don't want to.

I've had a crap year (illnesses, injuries and far too many deaths including the recent suicide of a younger family member) on top of the general 2020/21 malaise. Getting out for some fun and positive endorphins and a few hours escape from reality are the best tonic.

There's times to talk, and there's times to suspend the stress and enjoy the moment.

I had a friend years ago like the OP, she loved to party and have fun. Two of us from the friendship group had a few tough things happen us in the space of 3 years. We weren't as fun as previously so DF ghosted us. Then after a few years, something really bad happened her DH, but although we made contact, things were never the same. Sometimes people are traumatised by events in their lives and many people will never be quite the same as they were before. It's what happens when terrible things occur that are outside our control.

Wow. Tone Deaf post OP. I'm glad I'm not your friend!!

No, you didn't have a friend like me me because I don't love to party. I do like a bit of fairly gentle harmless fun. I think it can be good for people who are low to come out of themselves and lift their mood.

Have you read any of my follow-up posts?

I'm not the shallow idiot you project but I've learned how to organise a decent party. I've had several bereavements in my life, including a partner who committed suicide in my early 30s. I've spent the last couple of years listening politely and patiently to many of these people talk about their MH and trauma and I daresay I'll do a lot more in the coming year. But not at a party that many of them requested because they said they needed fun to cheer them up.

Good, because you won't be invited to any of my future parties.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that, BogRoll. If I ever organise another event, you're invited.

It’s been a tough and weird two years with more to come.

I understand it’s annoying when you were expecting a great night out and didn’t get one, but surely you realise the world doesn’t evolve around your wants?

The people you were with just have different priorities to you right now. Find some other party friends for now.

You're really splitting hairs if you're distinguishing your ability for organising a good party for people that you have fun at, and my former DF - who organised really great get-togethers that she had fun at. In short, it sounds like exactly the same ability and talent. DF made everyone welcome, created a great atmosphere but turned away from us when she felt too many bad things happened some of us. My friend wasn't a "shallow idiot" either, but I suspect she got frustrated with us being less effervescent at her gatherings.

Is it just age/life stages though?

How old are you? How old are the people in the group? How old were they pre-covid?

I've noticed people in late 20s start to become stressed/anxious, early 30s just invisible, lost in work stress/early years kids, trying to keep marriage together. Then late 30s depressed as hell, many divorced or feel trapped in their family units, 40 looms large.

You might do better giving out more alcohol tbh!!

I get you OP. When we were briefly out of lockdown mid-COVID I went to a punk gig with some friends (and friends of friends/acquaintances). I was SO looking forward to it - my mental health was shot to pieces (including being temporarily sectioned for a suicide attempt), my relationship was utter shit and I'd just lost my job. I just wanted to bounce about in the mosh pit, chat, get a bit drunk and lose myself for a night.

Instead, I was cornered by a kind of friend (part of our friendship group but not close to me) who just droned on at me about everything that was wrong in her life for aaaaages. There wasn't even any reciprocation - she didn't let me get a word in even if I'd wanted to rehash all my troubles (which I really didn't!). I finally managed to escape to see the main band but by then I'd missed the two support bands and was in a bit of a downwards spiral mentally so it ended up being a bit of a crap night. It really pissed me off at the time and frankly I found it pretty bloody selfish.

I'm sorry you had that happen. Sounds a familiar experience. Just because you're friends with someone or because they're someone you can trust doesn't mean you have the right to dump on them — particularly at a gig or a party.