Give up teaching cultural heritage to kids

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I used to feel that passing on my cultural heritage to my children was very important but I’m not so sure now. Looking at children from my background (British Asian) I feel like it’s so difficult to help kids feel connected to a minority culture these days and most British Asian parents of my generation seem to have given up on it. DH thinks it is possible and we just need to try harder.

We were discussing how we are struggling with teaching our kids our heritage language because English is our dominant language and we always end up switching back to it without realising. We have very few family connections left in our country of origin so that limits opportunities to visit. We try sometimes to listen to the music and eat the food and wear the clothes but that’s it really. Is there more we could do? Does it matter?

It matters if it matters to you.

If the language, clothes, food from your heritage feel like an effort then are they really that meaningful to you right now? If not, then what is?

I think traditions, ceremonies and rituals are a special part of family life. They can be passed down and/or related to a particular culture or religion. Or they can be made up and become a new tradition.

Which bits of that culture atter to you? Which bits did you look forward to as a child?

I know exactly what you mean op. My children are just not interested. They are totally immersed into English culture and I suppose that’s just to be expected really. I know that I’m the last little bit of the link and when I’m no longer here that will be that.

I do love certain things but I think I just don’t have as much time/opportunity for them as I used to. I no longer have friends from my background who I can talk to about the movies, music etc. We grew up in a religious community/extended family where we absorbed a lot of the culture but we are no longer religious. We used to have family in our country of origin so used to visit growing up and loved it. Helping my children feel integrated in mainstream society in a way that I couldn’t is also important to me so for the first time we are making Christmas special (something we never had growing up). I guess I feel a bit lost but hopefully we will figure something out.

It's possible that they may take more of an interest when they're older. You could always just do what's meaningful to you for now and wait for them to ask questions later.

I should probably clarify that my kids are very young so lack of interest isn’t an issue (yet!). It’s more about how we make the effort to expose them to it.

I have a different experience to you - my husband is from a North African Muslim country and my children, who were born here and have grown up in a U.K. city, feel that they are his nationality and have adopted his religion of their own volition (neither my husband or myself practice our religions) and treat my culture as the ‘minority’ culture. I have kind of given up trying to share my traditions because they are not receptive to them and are not interested in my childhood experiences - viewing them as ‘foreign’ somehow.
I think it must be because the area of the city we live in is predominantly an immigrant area and my children are the only one of their school friends who have an English mum and I feel that my culture has been lost in the family. It would have been very different if we lived near my parents for example in their village. But then my husband would have been stared at when going about his everyday business and would feel uncomfortable.

So I suppose what I’m trying to say is that their peers have the biggest influence on them and if you live in a predominantly white British area then they will absorb that and identify with it.

@Doesitmatteranyway
Yes I think having people from the same culture around does have an impact. I grew up in a very Asian dominated area of London.

I’d also like to add that whilst I feel much more integrated into western society now (which I’m happy about) I feel like that has also been a bit at the expense of my heritage culture. For example it’s harder for me to be around the friends I grew up with and family who are mostly conservative Muslims as there’s a lot of judgement. Feel more comfortable around people who aren’t from the same background which is weird for me as growing up I was quite conscious about the colour of my skin!

My dd is mixed. I don't know if that makes it easier in some ways... she seems to value the not-British part of her heritage much more than some of her friends who have both parents from the same background. Maybe she feels the need to earn/prove her status as belonging to the other culture as well? Or maybe she just doesn't take it for granted as much because the mixed background makes her more aware.

I think it is hard though. We did reasonably well when dd was very little, I think, and she had a lot of exposure to both sides of her heritage. For various reasons, that dropped off a bit towards the later end of primary school when she started to get busy with her own hobbies, friends etc. We didn't push it, but in hindsight I wish we had, because her interest was rekindled in her early teens and she became quite cross with us for not having pushed it a bit more. She is nearly an adult now, and that side of her identity is really important to her. She works really hard on her language skills, which aren't as good as she'd like them to be, and she makes a real effort to learn about the culture.

In your position, I would definitely keep trying as you don't want your kids to get older and feel that they have been shortchanged. It is tough to get the balance right, though.

Hi OP, British Asian here, grew up in west London too.

I have two kids with a third on the way, I have not been able to teach any of them Punjabi, even the wider family speak tutti-futti Punjabi mixed with English.

I read somewhere that with immigration once you get to the third generation they are basically assimilated to their home country, so it's really hard to keep those traditions up.

They only one that's been successful though is food! Lol.

I think I will still always do Lohri, Diwali and couple of other Punjabi/Sikh traditions.

But the biggie, language, I've just accepted that it ain't gona happen. Though I have toyed with the idea of maybe taking them to I do for summer holidays but it's really not the right time to go.

In some ways I think it's great for them as I think first and second generation there's always some kind of conflict with the two cultures. I think by third generation they just know who they are and can pick and choose how much of any other culture they want to absorb.

I think @MrsBennetsPoorNerves has a good point. They may resent it when they are older if you have not shared some of your culture with them.
Sadly I think in the big wide world
people will see that our children, although British, have roots on another place so maybe it’s important to give them pride and strength in those roots. Although as it is not my experience as a white woman perhaps I am wrong about this.

Oh in addition to food I do also play the classic 90s bhangra tunes I grew up with. And all those classic classic Bollywood songs (I have favs list on YouTube). My son knows the word to Papa khete hain bada naam karega lol he doesn't understand a single word lol, but likes the tune.

I find it goes in waves with age. All my kids have had a stage when they told me to stop speaking my mother tongue to them. Now they are more open to it and I feel that they are more proud of a diverse heritage. They actually supported their father's country in the world cup over England!

Yes I do wonder about resentment if we don’t try. My uncle never taught my younger cousins the language and now they are resentful because they want to connect with their culture and can’t without it.

Somebody mentioned that people will always see children from minority groups as having roots in a different place. I have often wondered if that’s how it will be or things will change. Another person mentioned that by the third generation they are completely assimilated.

I do feel that my children will grow up feeling less conflicted than I did (which is great) but it’s also sad that they might miss out on some things that made my childhood rich and interesting.

I understand - it seems wrong to just abandon your "roots" but also difficult to maintain them! I'm white British and my DH is genetically Indian but grew up in another European country. So we have three different nationalities/cultures that we're trying to install in the children! My DH speaks his European language to the children. They understand it but refuse to speak it. We take them to India about every 3 years. They still have a lot of family there, cousins, aunts and uncles. I really do want them to be aware that their father's family are Indian.
Can you take your children to the country of your heritage? It really helps to immerse them in the culture sometimes. We also celebrate Hindu festivals such as Ganesh and Diwali. My son likes to say he's a Hindu so he clearly sees it as part of his identity.
We go to my husband's European country several times a year and the children love it. Also go to a group in the UK with families from this country.
My children are definitely aware they have 3 nationalities and they're absorbing a lot from India and the European country. Essentially they're still British kids though!

Being a few generations down from a different line of cultural heritage myself, I still feel like it is important to me and want to make sure my lo knows about her background and even kept it in her middle name. I would persevere with the language even if they lose interest in a few years it's something they will have when they are a bit older (that's not so easy to get back later).

I'm a white British woman raising my kids (biracial) in an Asian country---though not South Asian. So I guess a little bit the other way round, in some ways!

I would always urge people to do whatever they can to teach their children their own minority language and culture to their children--even if they don't end up "perfect" speakers (or any kind of speaker, actually), even if they seem uninterested some of the kind.

Trevor Phillips - the guy who has been a significant and interesting voice on issues of minority culture and identity these last few decades - has talked about something called "cultural protection" which I find very interesting. His opinion is the minority groups do best within their societies if they can manage to have the right level of cultural protection, not too much or too little. Too much cultural protection is where a minority culture become ghettoized and is unable to succeed on the terms of their wider society. But too little cultural protection is where a minority group is too eager to throw away everything that makes them special and distinctive in comparison to the mainstream culture, and tries to assimilate completely, often believing idealistically that "If we assimilate hard enough, we'll be treated just the same, right?" This can result in what is sometime called "downward assimilation", where the minority group in question assimilates into the least-educated and most economically disadvantaged level of the mainstream culture, taking on problematic aspects of this group.

I can see what he means, and it makes sense to me. Anyone who is a member of a racial minority is always at risk of racism and prejudice, the whole thing of "I have to do better than the people around me in order to be considered not-quite-as-good." Having some special skills, an extra language, something that you can feel proud of as distinctive and different, some ethnic networks to help you out at times, can help you to "make up" for these problems, and be helpful to you in navigating a society that can sometimes be a more hostile place for you than it is for members of the mainstream ethnic group.

Here in Japan, I've known a few cases where an English speaking non-Asian (white or black) parent has done nothing to teach their language or culture to their children. Their children still get the "othering" treatment, annoying questions and patronizing assumptions that come with being a visible ethnic minority person, but they have no special strings to their bow that they might feel proud of to help them get through the difficult moments. They just wind up being a "Japanese kid with brown hair (or brown skin and curly hair) whose face doesn't fit." It's a bit of a crap situation.

The other thing is that it's OK if kids don't speak their minority language perfectly, or even speak it at all, or if they don't show any interest in their minority culture when they are young. As long as they have a base, they can pick up with the language and improve once they get older and develop an interest. So many kids develop an interest in their root in adolescence, or when they go to uni, or if they decide to go traveling. Even being a passive bilingual (who can understand a language but has never really spoken it) is an excellent platform for getting properly fluent with the language later on. I've known quite a few people who say things like "I wish my parents had spoken XZY to me." I've never actually met anyone who says "My parents did speak XYZ to me, and I wish they HADN'T, what a waste of time that was."

Also, looking at the state of the UK right now, it occurs to me that it' great to give kids a potential base in another culture. Right now, the forums are full of people saying "I'd tell my kids to emigrate, but they don't speak any languages other than English...." There is a lesson in there, I think!

Phew, I seem to have written a novel!

For what it's worth, my teen had a phase where they'd reject everything and anything to do with my origin, even though they had always been a citizen of that country (which counts citizenship as inherited by blood, not birth). Now, they are proud to know little bits and pieces when they get brought up in school and have actually adopted a fair few traditions themselves. It may just be an age thing.

Food my dear. Food is the key!
Im of St Lucian heritage and I started them young getting them to help me make family recipes. Then talk about how those foods relate to certain celebrations in St Lucian culture. As they got older they learned some creole words and cooking and we’d cook their favourite recipes to eat at specific times of year. I’d put the flower festivals and creole celebrations on the telly and decorate the house same as I do for British celebrations.

Im born in the UK and my husband is white British and we make sure all parts of both cultures are celebrated but kids don’t want ‘boring’ history lessons. You have to interweave any of that with the fun stuff. And the yummy stuff 😋

My wife is from a former Soviet country, Central Asia. She speaks Russian as her first language and spoke it to our DD, who was quite competent, until she started nursery and stopped. She understands it perfectly, but if asked, she mostly couldn't tell you a word, or phrase.

She loves going on extended visits to the family over there, she likes the food, the place and the customs. Her Russian always improves, as most of the relatives don't speak English.

She's part way between British an DW's culture, I'd say. My wife will sometimes cook their traditional food, mainly if DD asks. She's happy to tell all and sundry that she is "Y Nationality," rather than British, or English.

Totally get it op as I’m south Asian too and can completely relate. I am going to teach dc language as he’s showing an interest in learning even though I’m not great, I can hold a conversation.

really good advice @greenteafiend found myself nodding to everything you said there

Interesting discussion. I ponder these issues often as a parent of a multi-heritage child and as someone eligible for four passports (two seem to be enough).

I think it is best to tend towards giving opportunities rather than force things. However, some grounding in a language at an early age is better than approaching it later in life.

I learned to be a cultural shapeshifter through childhood, but never convincingly anything but International.

I definitely wish my DF had learned his other language properly when he was growing up and spoken it to us (he refused to reply to his mum when she spoke it, and I think at the time it was thought that two languages might be confusing if the child didn't want to use both). He understands it, but can't really speak it, and I only know a few phrases.

We do some food (and football!), and a couple of the festivals, but now my DGM's generation are dying and a lot of DF's cousins emigrated, I think we're losing all the links.

Mine is north west European though, so there's no skin colour element, and nobody would guess we were anything other than English. I suspect it'll go completely in the next generation (unless the for salty liquorice is genetic!).

I can relate to this. Years ago we went to church in our language, socialised mainly in another language, followed the events and calendar. With our first child we were immersed, they are fluent in our language.

20 years in we’ve moved and life moved on. We barely go home ever (war now too). We’ve got to the point where even DH’s sleep talk is in English. All our media and what happens around us is in English. So we tend to talk all the time in English. The children are schooled and are more familiar with English. We’re too far from the community centres, Saturday schools and church to go much… plus friendships are local and fill our time. It’s just died out here. Our youngest children can understand us just about in our first language, but don’t speak it at all. It wasn’t planned- we just got caught up in a busy life.

DD though, the eldest, speaks 4 languages conversationally though and two written to a high level. I do feel rather bad my younger ones don’t have the skills of us and their sibling. They just don’t though place any value on it, and see no use for it