Give up teaching cultural heritage to kids

[Yumyummyyum]

I used to feel that passing on my cultural heritage to my children was very important but I’m not so sure now. Looking at children from my background (British Asian) I feel like it’s so difficult to help kids feel connected to a minority culture these days and most British Asian parents of my generation seem to have given up on it. DH thinks it is possible and we just need to try harder.

We were discussing how we are struggling with teaching our kids our heritage language because English is our dominant language and we always end up switching back to it without realising. We have very few family connections left in our country of origin so that limits opportunities to visit. We try sometimes to listen to the music and eat the food and wear the clothes but that’s it really. Is there more we could do? Does it matter?

I definitely wish my DF had learned his other language properly when he was growing up and spoken it to us (he refused to reply to his mum when she spoke it, and I think at the time it was thought that two languages might be confusing if the child didn't want to use both…

I was similar with my mother. My parents spoke English to each other, although it was a first language for neither of them. I often spoke Spanish with my father and as we often lived in Spain, I used it out and about and at school. My mother would try Russian with me and I would generally refuse and answer back in English. As a result it is always going to be a clunky language for me and I regret not being more accepting way back. But that was then and the family dynamics were often strange and strained.

@greenteafiend thanks for sharing. That stuff about getting the balance right for cultural protection is really interesting!

As my children are still pre-school I think the main thing for us at the moment is to focus on the language acquisition and hopefully other stuff might follow if they have an interest.

It only matters if it's important to you.

I'm British Indian and though my mum speaks English, my PIL and my grandparents are 1st generation, so their first language is Gujarati.

Therefore, my kids grow up with the language. It's unavoidable.

We wear the clothing for occasions, I cook Indian food regularly and try to speak our mother tongue at home but find ourselves switching back to English without realising.

I love my culture though, even the music, so I don't see it disappearing completely. I also love Bollywood films, especially the classics. It just won't be as prevalent in their lives as it is for our parents and grandparents.

We also don't have much family in India, I've never even been, but that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't go.

However, I still do feel more comfortable with company from the same background. I grew up in a very South Asian community, so all my friends are from the same background. I also have friends who are White and I see both friendship groups regularly.

I do think some of the mentality of the elder SA generation needs to change I.e. marrying outside of the same culture, viewing 'light' skin more desirable, desirable careers (medicine, law, engineering etc). I'm hoping these are starting to die out as generations go on.

Language is difficult, as children need to have a real reason to use it. The usual suggestions are books/stories, tv shows and films that they might be interested in, to help with understanding. Speaking, either someone who doesn't speak English well, or actively only speaking it at home. It's ok if they only have a limited understanding, as long as you don't give the impression that English is 'better'.

As for cultural things, do as much as you like/want to. If it's enjoyable, then it will be appealing. Food is probably the easiest to maintain, especially if you get them cooking with you. Special occasion clothes, festivals, music, all seem worth doing if you yourselves actually enjoy them.

And don't worry too much. Your children are growing up in a different time and place to you. They will naturally have different experiences.

I wish I had tried harder. When kids get racist abuse orthering ,which while a horrible thought, they will having a strong cultural identity will help. Tutti futti Punjabi will still help.
My kids only like bengali restaurant type Indian food now which breaks my heart as every one else says I'm an amazing cook😥
Indian culture is rich and beautiful and a history that isn't taught truthfully in schools.
We should ensure that they have access to this

Mixed English-SEAsian family here. I utterly failed with getting my DDs to learn the language(s). My excuse is that people from my home country (very multicultural) often speak a version of English between each other anyway.

But we've done much better with broader cultural elements and particularly the food. Probably more than half our meals are SEAsian, this includes when DH does the cooking. We mark the various festivals, decorate the house accordingly, work together as a family to cook the special dishes/bakes, get dressed in the traditional outfits, and despite the eye-watering expense we make the effort to travel there annually to visit my parents and relatives.

DDs are only in their early teens but seem very proud of their mixed heritage - perhaps it helps that we live in a diverse city and their school is also very mixed?? Don't know...