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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal

30 replies

Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 00:05

Husband been a selfish twat for as long as I can remember…
2x dc older teens with additional needs.
Husband Never done any house work, never done anything other than play with kids,( they think he’s great …. )

constantly tells me he will
change…. Some improvement in the form of house work when instructed . Meal when instructed.
I have had some depression and exhaustion diagnoses over the relationship period where I’ve begged him to help and he just about managed and responded.
Gets very defensive when ‘criticised’ then throws it back at me, or says ‘ I will never be good enough’
had marriage counselling … which is why he’s less lazy… but is now annoyed that I cant let go of resentment , when he’s still needed instruction to complete simple tasks.
Barely have sex. I’m not sure I even like kissing him. He doesn’t like to show any emotion other than anger when ‘ criticised I Don’t want to leave as financially not stable ( I know about benefits and I know it won’t be enough) and at a point where It would mess up older teens exams …. He’s just told me I should have ‘ fucked off a long time ago’ as he doesn’t make me happy ….
weird thing is …. I’ve looked at the women’s aid stuff and he certainly doesn’t tick several boxes in one category, but just a few in a few…. Nothing major… no violence … no control,
Do they have to be all
on the same area ?
I don’t want to sound to hung up on the women’s aid stuff…. I guess I’m asking is it unreasonable
to stay in a marriage like this rather than be alone after 20 plus years?
he is really easy going when not ‘ challenged’ and can be kind and thoughtful…. But I think the damage is done…. How long have others stretched it out ? I think I want to be alone

OP posts:
ThanksAntsThants · 17/12/2022 00:09

Does it matter whether it’s normal or not? You’re not happy, and you are allowed to acknowledge that you’re not happy and proceed from that understanding.

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2022 00:16

It sounds awful,surely that's a good reason to leave

dolor · 17/12/2022 00:17

Weaponised incompetence right there.

Wronglane · 17/12/2022 00:18

If you were to die in 5 years would you have wanted this to be your life

Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 00:24

Hmmm
tough question…’yes…
of things with the kids were easier and he had stepped up more. I often think if I was ill he would be out of his depth.
I do t think he would mean to be useless but he would be …. I just don’t know if this is just how it is for people?

OP posts:
Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 08:57

I was hoping some more people would have responded . I feel so alone and confused . Can I ask what other people’s relation ships are like post 20 years ?

OP posts:
foghead · 17/12/2022 09:03

You don't need anyones permission to separate from him.
Is there anyone in real life you can get support from?
I've been married similar number of years and dh has always been too busy working to really share household tasks. We've had huge ups and downs, and still do.
He's at heart a good person though and still wants the marriage to work so he does what it takes.

Lex345 · 17/12/2022 09:05

We are not quite at 20 years, 18 years-but no, our marriage isn't like this. Do we have disagreements? Of course! Does he drive me mad at times? Definitely! Do I drive him mad sometimes? Undoubtedly-

But there is no resentment there, we still have a lot of physical affection (which we both enjoy) He has his faults and I have loads of faults too, but the good outweighs the bad. If the balance is tipping in the other direction, and one or both of you can't/won't change and work through it, it is over, really.

Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 09:16

ThAnk you both for your replies. Gosh so sad it’s such a long time …. After sleeping lastnight I reflected …. I’m not sure it is ‘my resentment ‘ ( that I’ve been happy till now to agree) As I still continue to make an effort …. And am nice and happy around him…. But I just get really passed off when he doesn’t do the smallest amount of things he agrees to after doing nothing for 20years.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 17/12/2022 09:19

It's not abuse but a difference in expectations. You need to decide whether l waving would make you happier, don't shelter behind the kids because of they're teenagers they can decide how they divide their time between parents.

Christmascountdownison · 17/12/2022 09:19

You can leave someone for any reason at all if you are not happy.

FearMe · 17/12/2022 09:26

My DH is a little like this at times, you mention both your kids have additional needs, by any chance are they autistic? I realised when my kids were diagnosed that that was the bit of my husband that was "missing" - empathy, being able to move away from black and white thinking, being hyper sensitive to what's perceived as criticism.
So my kids inherited their neurodiverse brains from their dad and it actually answers a lot of questions I had about the way he interacts with the world.
Would that ring a bell?

Lex345 · 17/12/2022 09:32

Its not insalvageable-but maybe its give and take here-DH genuinely does some things that get on my tits-I wish he wouldn't- but pick your battles, I guess (I do the same with him for sure)

Write down the things that are deal breakers, focus on those-if they can't be changed, its done.

Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 09:45

The things he needs to do have been voiced for 18 years. They have been written down. They have been discussed in marrige counselling. They have been repeated again. He does them mostly but to a really crap level where I have. To intervene as it involves the kids.

how do you cope with the ‘ missing’ you describe

OP posts:
PrestonNorthHen · 17/12/2022 09:54

Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 00:05

Husband been a selfish twat for as long as I can remember…
2x dc older teens with additional needs.
Husband Never done any house work, never done anything other than play with kids,( they think he’s great …. )

constantly tells me he will
change…. Some improvement in the form of house work when instructed . Meal when instructed.
I have had some depression and exhaustion diagnoses over the relationship period where I’ve begged him to help and he just about managed and responded.
Gets very defensive when ‘criticised’ then throws it back at me, or says ‘ I will never be good enough’
had marriage counselling … which is why he’s less lazy… but is now annoyed that I cant let go of resentment , when he’s still needed instruction to complete simple tasks.
Barely have sex. I’m not sure I even like kissing him. He doesn’t like to show any emotion other than anger when ‘ criticised I Don’t want to leave as financially not stable ( I know about benefits and I know it won’t be enough) and at a point where It would mess up older teens exams …. He’s just told me I should have ‘ fucked off a long time ago’ as he doesn’t make me happy ….
weird thing is …. I’ve looked at the women’s aid stuff and he certainly doesn’t tick several boxes in one category, but just a few in a few…. Nothing major… no violence … no control,
Do they have to be all
on the same area ?
I don’t want to sound to hung up on the women’s aid stuff…. I guess I’m asking is it unreasonable
to stay in a marriage like this rather than be alone after 20 plus years?
he is really easy going when not ‘ challenged’ and can be kind and thoughtful…. But I think the damage is done…. How long have others stretched it out ? I think I want to be alone

Chore inequity is a form of abuse particularly if there is verbal abuse/ stonewalling/ derision etc when challenged.
It leads to financial inequity/ mental illness due to the unequal burden placed on women.

Is it normal?
Well sadly a huge amount of women are stuck in this situation.
Everything's rosy as long as they do all the childcare,cleaning and cooking.
Challenge and you get the above behaviours.
Nice.

Henrybee · 17/12/2022 10:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 10:47

We both work full time and I do 90 percent …. Was 100 percent of everything. I’m worried that I would regret leaving as he’s nice …. Not one of those bastards that you continually read about ! I wouldn’t want anyone but am also realistic that few people remain single for another 20 years…. And then what if they are actually all the same ?!

OP posts:
PrestonNorthHen · 17/12/2022 11:06

Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 10:47

We both work full time and I do 90 percent …. Was 100 percent of everything. I’m worried that I would regret leaving as he’s nice …. Not one of those bastards that you continually read about ! I wouldn’t want anyone but am also realistic that few people remain single for another 20 years…. And then what if they are actually all the same ?!

Is he really that " nice"
They are always described that way, yet he's not nice to you,is he?
Leaves you to do everything and then is nasty if you protest

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2022 11:11

Honestly
He is lazy and throws it back in your face

Most people find it in them to be cheerful and 'nice' when they have barely any responsibilities outside work.

You've given it a good shot, marriage counselling has only helped slightly.

Easy for others to say, but I vote leave. I think your life would be easier and happier and calmer without him in it

Blinki · 17/12/2022 11:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 11:24

asll I’ve been ill for a few days once or twice and the house went to hell…. I guess he experienced it a bit then…. But he seems incapable of learning

OP posts:
Original poster
Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 11:24

Thank you by the way am feeling a little less lonely right now ! Xx

OP posts:
Blinki · 17/12/2022 11:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 11:36

Can I ask what other people’s relation ships are like post 20 years ?

Nothing like yours and never has been. I would have been out a long long time ago if in your situation.

PrestonNorthHen · 17/12/2022 11:37

Atadconfussed · 17/12/2022 11:24

asll I’ve been ill for a few days once or twice and the house went to hell…. I guess he experienced it a bit then…. But he seems incapable of learning

Learning?
He WANTS you to do everything, there is no Learning involved.
You have spent 20 years trying to get him to " see"
I was in a similar position and mine lived in a deluded state where he convinced himself that "Preston enjoys doing everything"
He was utterly baffled when he finally realised-it was imprinted on him that it's whatwomendo

Holy fucking shit, I couldn't believe it!
I had cried, raged, begged, pleaded, made lists,negotiated and had a breakdown.
We came through it with serious counselling and things are much better now.
However if he dies first I would never live with another man.