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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter leaving home

52 replies

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:45

My DD had been with her lovely boyfriend for five years. They moved in together after three years. Sadly last year they split up. My dd came back home
She has now decided to move back to the city they both lived. She doesn't know anyone there as her ex boyfriend has now gone travelling. Aibu to he terribly concerned about her.
She is 23 and a PA with a small company

OP posts:
Sindonym · 16/12/2022 19:47

No, why would you be worried?

IamSmarticus · 16/12/2022 19:48

Worried about what, exactly?

AFS1 · 16/12/2022 19:48

In the nicest possible way, yes I think YAB a bit U.
She knows the city. She clearly likes it enough to want to go back there. If it doesn’t work out she can come back closer to you. If she lived there with ex-b why doesn’t she know anyone there? Did they not have friends there?

Original poster
nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:49

I'm worried about her being lonely. She suffers with anxiety and I cannot see her coping

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 16/12/2022 19:49

Guessing there’s a drip feed coming but YABU!

Original poster
nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:51

No drip feed!

OP posts:
Sindonym · 16/12/2022 19:51

It’s not unusual for 23 year old to move somewhere where they don’t know anyone. She’s chosen to go so I assume she feels able to cope with anxiety. You only build resilience by doing stuff and stepping outside your comfort zone. Unless there’s a massive drip feed I can only see positives.

upfucked · 16/12/2022 19:52

If she lived in the city surely she has some friends there but either way she is a 23 year old adult.

SofiaSoFar · 16/12/2022 19:52

When you say she suffers with anxiety, do you mean she's diagnosed with it, or that she occasionally finds certain situations a bit worrisome/stressful?

TedMullins · 16/12/2022 19:52

I don’t know what you’re worried about. It’s normal for young adults to move out. I have a history of depression and MH issues but I moved out at 19 to a city I didn’t know anyone, purely because I liked the place from visiting. I had a great time. Mental health doesn’t and shouldn’t preclude her from living a normal life.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 19:53

There are people with lots of different needs who cope perfectly fine living alone, she can't live at home forever

Original poster
nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:54

She does have friends who go there for a night out but they all have partners I have visions of her sitting in an apartment by herself sad and lonely

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 16/12/2022 19:54

She's an adult and presumably it was her own decision to go.

MiniCooperLover · 16/12/2022 19:56

She's 23, let her grow up. She's ready for some fun and city life is perfect for young single people

Original poster
nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:56

I feel like she thinks it is something she has to do to keep up with her peers. She did go to university but lived at home due to her anxiety

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 16/12/2022 19:56

These are clearly just your own insecurities OP, so try and remind yourself of that and don’t put it on your daughter, encourage her to go live her life. If she wants to move to a city, she’s not planning on sitting alone feeling sad is she. She’s going to go out and meet people and have fun.

SavingKitten · 16/12/2022 19:58

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:56

I feel like she thinks it is something she has to do to keep up with her peers. She did go to university but lived at home due to her anxiety

But she lived with her boyfriend for some of it, so she’s clearly capable of living away from home despite her anxiety.

NerrSnerr · 16/12/2022 20:00

How far away is she moving?

She is doing what so many young adults do. Back when I was that age none of us lived at home in our 20s and so many of us lived alone in new places. You make friends and live your life.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 20:00

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:54

She does have friends who go there for a night out but they all have partners I have visions of her sitting in an apartment by herself sad and lonely

Maybe she has anxiety because it appears you do too and she probably picks up on this, maybe fix your own first so you can show you are more supportive of her that may help her

Original poster
nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 20:01

She is moving three hours away

OP posts:
Crackof · 16/12/2022 20:03

Wish her well, and facetime her often at first. Well done! You raised an independent young woman.

LBFseBrom · 16/12/2022 20:04

nowtherearethree · Today 19:49
I'm worried about her being lonely. She suffers with anxiety and I cannot see her coping
.......
If it doesn't work out she can come home but at 23, she wants to give independence a try, on her own rather than with a partner. After a short while your daughter may find she enjoys her life and knowing she has you will give her a sense of security.

We never stop being concerned, that is natural (mine is 43 and I worry sometimes), but we mustn't project our fears but encourage our children to be independent, whilst being there for them when needed.

She'll be fine.

redtshirt50 · 16/12/2022 20:04

Do you live in a city too?

or do you live in a small town / countryside

if so she probably sees a lot more opportunities in the city to meet new people / make new friends so it makes total sense for her to move there

LindorDoubleChoc · 16/12/2022 20:05

Hopefully some time being independent will actually help with her anxiety - prove to her that she can stand on her own two feet and cope with things alone. Putting it kindly, there is quite a lot of projection going on in your posts. Are you an anxious person too? She might have learned it from you.

Cockle1234 · 16/12/2022 20:06

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:54

She does have friends who go there for a night out but they all have partners I have visions of her sitting in an apartment by herself sad and lonely

This isn't what single 23 year olds do