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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter leaving home

52 replies

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 19:45

My DD had been with her lovely boyfriend for five years. They moved in together after three years. Sadly last year they split up. My dd came back home
She has now decided to move back to the city they both lived. She doesn't know anyone there as her ex boyfriend has now gone travelling. Aibu to he terribly concerned about her.
She is 23 and a PA with a small company

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 16/12/2022 20:08

I think this is more about you, OP. Put a brave face on and encourage her to face her bright new future!
If it doesn't work out, she can always come back.

Tali5ker · 16/12/2022 20:08

You quite sure she has anxiety? Not that you have anxiety?

PacificallyRequested · 16/12/2022 20:09

When I was 23, I moved hundreds of miles from home to a big city where I knew no-one. I'm not the most outgoing person but I made friends and enjoyed life, ended up staying for 7 years. If she's lived there before she'll be grand.

Original poster

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 20:11

I don't suffer with anxiety but my partner does. We live just outside London so it is hardly a small town in the middle of nowhere

OP posts:

everydaysabeginning · 16/12/2022 20:12

If she's confident enough to do this, I'm sure she'll be ok. Otherwise, she knows she can always come home.
My 23yr old daughter is in Thailand. I was in India. I'm sure she wouldn't have made this decision without a lot of thought.
At least you have several means of communication now. I was travelling on and off for years, my poor parents got a phone call every few weeks. My daughter contacts every day, even if it's a one line/photo WhatsApp.
Try not to worry, she's an adult and has made a decision, if it doesn't work out, she knows she's welcome to come home.

Gronkle · 16/12/2022 20:14

Crikey, 23! I'm sure she's capable of making her own decisions.

Original poster

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 20:14

@everydaysabeginning can I ask you did your daughter go there alone or travel with friends.
I think I would feel better if she had someone with her for company

OP posts:

Prescottdanni123 · 16/12/2022 20:15

Gentle YABU. You obviously love your DD a lot and naturally worry about her. But her anxiety should not hold her back for the rest of her life. If she wants to move away then she absolutely should. Did you expect her to live with you/in her home time for her whole life?

Sindonym · 16/12/2022 20:17

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 20:14

@everydaysabeginning can I ask you did your daughter go there alone or travel with friends.
I think I would feel better if she had someone with her for company

By 23 I had travelled and worked abroad in New Zealand (knew no-one) and lived and worked in Japan (ditto).

Early-mid 20s the best time to do all this.

TheHateIsNotGood · 16/12/2022 20:17

It's natural to be 'worried' about your dc no matter how well they are doing. Maybe your concerns are well-founded, maybe not, either way your DD needs to give it a go and best let her do it with as much confidence as she can. Be supportive of her decision, she already knows that you're there for her if needed.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/12/2022 20:17

Presumably she has a job there and will meet people and she will go out, pursue interests and make friends. I'm sure she won't be alone for ever. Please be supportive to her in this move and don't undermine her confidence.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/12/2022 20:18

I think I would feel better if she had someone with her for company

Perhaps she doesn't want company.

whumpthereitis · 16/12/2022 20:18

She’s already lived separately to you, moving back in with you has probably made her feel like she’s gone backwards tbh. She clearly likes the city she lived in, and there’s no reason that anxiety should hold her back from living her life. She’s a grown woman, be happy for and support her.

This does read like it’s more about you though. I do wonder if you didn’t like her moving away to begin with, you thought you had her back, and now you’re upset she’s going again.

Octo5 · 16/12/2022 20:22

YABU

She’s 23.

She should be out living her best life, meeting new friends and exploring different places.

Octo5 · 16/12/2022 20:23

It almost sounds like you want her to have a partner to live with.

At 23 she should be in no rush to settle down with a partner.

Have you ever lived alone OP?

Cotswoldmama · 16/12/2022 20:27

YABU I think you're projecting your worries on to her.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 20:35

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 20:14

@everydaysabeginning can I ask you did your daughter go there alone or travel with friends.
I think I would feel better if she had someone with her for company

Maybe she doesn't want any, why are you trying to control her?

Sure when the time comes I will have some worries about my child moving away but what I think are normal ones, yours seems intense

Maybe she is happy as she is and wants to move away to be her own person?

interestedcat · 16/12/2022 20:36

When I was 23 I moved to a country where I didn't know the language, nothing, I didn't have a job, I decided I could make it freelance and I did for a couple of years. I made brilliant friends, I went travelling for months (slowly) and eventually everything led up to me finding my dream career. Now I live close to my family and my career is going from strength to strength.
If it goes wrong, she can always come back closer..

hiccup123 · 16/12/2022 20:43

I moved to a different country (UK) at age 26 (but had previously done a 9-month long Erasmus). I knew one person whom I'd met at a previous job back home, but she was barely an acquaintance. We maybe met up 3-4 times in my entire first year, if that. I also have struggled to make friends my whole life and have social anxiety.

I wouldn't say it was a walk in the park, and I definitely had more barriers (new city, different language, no job, etc) than your daughter appears to have. Not going to lie, it was a rough first year, and I did spend my birthday on my own, but it was also one of the best decisions I've ever made. It changed me, it made me a more resourceful person, braver and independent.

I would encourage practically anyone to move away from home, even to another country. And especially on your own.

I know it's tough, being a parent and worrying about your child's well-being, especially when you see them suffer and struggle, but this change can only bring on good things. I would support her in her new adventure and be there for her if/when things get rough, which they very well might. You can always visit her and she you.

And worst case scenario, she returns home.

MrsKrankyPants · 16/12/2022 20:50

I moved across the world at just turned 20. Didn't know a soul.

DarkNecessities · 16/12/2022 20:50

It’s interesting that you refer to him as her ‘lovely boyfriend’

Whose decision was it that they split. Are you standing by her decision or does she feel like she’s failed you?

Original poster

nowtherearethree · 16/12/2022 20:52

@hiccup123 thank you for your reassurance. It has made me think about it a bit more rationally. She is a lovely person

OP posts:

HollyDollyChristmas · 16/12/2022 21:01

Our job as parents is to prepare our children so they have the confidence to fly the nest. My cousin is 40 still living with his parents, earns shedloads but lives the same life as his parents. She’ll find her way and she knows where you are if she needs you.

QS90 · 16/12/2022 21:19

You just want to protect her and look after her after the difficult times she's had, which is lovely. You sound like a great mum. But YABU here. If she has a history of being anxious, I think it would be a bonus if you are encouraging and positive about the move. It might make her feel braver.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/12/2022 21:20

OP, my son moved to London at 19 knowing only one other person into a houseshare (not with the person he knew) 5 years later he's still there, good friends, good job. Hope for the best- be positive!!

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