Please please please

[helphelphelpj]

I've posted loads before under different names. Left my abuser in August, it's been dreadful ever since. Smashed car, threats from drug dealers, harassment, accusations, police visits etc. I recently changed my number and am 7 days no contact (I only broke last time because I reacted to something through fear).

Tonight I've received an email from him, he's convinced himself I was sleeping with a married man and he's now threatening me saying he's going to "open a can of worms" etc. I've been in a dreadful state of anxiety since I received it two hours ago. I'd normally go to my mum or dads but they don't want me as I'm not very well. I've tried breathing exercises on YouTube, but I'm lay in the dark (scared, listening in case he comes to my house) and I really really need some virtual support.

The last 4 months have broken me but right now I feel so alone and scared and I just need some people to talk to. Tell me how I can calm down. Please please keep me company. I'm not the person I used to be

Hi. Your situation sounds dreadful, sorry you are going through this. Youve done the hardest part and left. Dont respond to any communications and block as many channels of contact as youre avle to.

Are you able to reach out to women's aid or any local charities who might be able to offer advice and support?

Do you share children together?

So scary when you are in the house by yourself.
Can you block him on your email? Whatever you do, don't respond to him at all. But laying in the dark isn't going to help. If he knows where you live, might it be worth contacting the police saying that he is threatening you again? Although "opening the can of worms" probably means that he is threatening to tell people that you were sleeping with the married man, or do you think it is more than that?
You need to distract yourself, lying in the dark is not going to work. Can you call someone? Watch a movie, do some exercise, anything to focus on something else.

Thanks guys. No, thankfully we don't share children. I've started listening to a podcast now so hopefully that helps. I think the lying in the dark thing came from when he used to show up and try to break in, so I'd freeze and stay silent/turn the lights off so he wouldn't know I was in. Now it's sort of what makes me feel safe, when actually, as you say, it can't be doing me any good

Breathe in through your nose, hold for 5 seconds, then slowly out through your mouth with pursed lips as if whistling. Completely exhale.

Do that for 30 minutes. While doing it concentrate only on the breathing. Or just visualise something- tree, river, rock, a circle.

Hi OP, that must be so so scary. I’m sorry you are going through this.

does he have your address? Is there anyone you can go to if not your parents? Friend?
This might sound daft but do you have the means to go to a hotel for tonight? A travel lodge? Premium inn? Anything like that?
Just so you can get out of the house and get some head space to think about next steps.
Do you have any order against him or involvement of the police? Could his constant contact and threats be considered harassment?

If you aren’t able to leave the house then ensure all doors and windows bolted shut, phone fully charged and keep in contact with someone, stay on here if you need to!

So sorry to hear OP. Well done for leaving him that can't have been easy.
Headspace is a great app for breathing exercises and quiet meditation.

Whilst it’s scary, you need to realise you’re stronger than you think. You can do this. You have escaped him and he’s clutching at straws. Ignore him .

Thanks guys. I am going away tomorrow for a few days so I am just clinging on to that fact, I'm also battling with knowing that it's been 4 months now and I need to try to avoid this fear of being in my own house. It's my house I've worked so hard for (and my cats need me!) and I've spent enough time in fear here, or having to go to my parents at short notice. I just want this pain to go away. I'm hoping that every week of no contact I achieve it'll get easier, and I know deep down that tonight the email he sent me (accusing me of things he's made up) was purely to try to get a rise out of me as he's wounded that I haven't spoke to him in 7 long days

You’re doing really well OP. 7 days without contact is great. Keep going, you can do it. Can you make a hot drink and maybe a hot water bottle to snuggle for comfort? How about changing your email address so he can’t use it to contact you? It is a bit of a faff changing everything your email account is attached to, but every change you make is a step further away from him. Keep talking to us tonight if it helps.

Thank you, yeah I think that is the next step. In a weird way, knowing he has no Avenue to contact me down at all is scary, it's like, if he's being threatening, at least I know to expect something, rather than it coming to me out the blue? It's hard to explain.

What are you up to on this Friday evening? I'm comforted by hearing about peoples normality and knowing hoping that one day that'll be me again

@helphelphelpj I’m lying on the sofa feeling slightly sick because I’ve eaten too much dairy milk! The house is a tip and I ought to tidy it but instead I’m lying like a lump watching trashy tv.

If you don't share children then you need to stop tolerating his nonsense

Why can he email you? Just cut off all avenues of contact. It really is as simple - and as hard - as that.

Block him. Everywhere. Then any contact would be truly unwanted and you can have him warned for harassment

Whilst you cower in fear, you give him power that I promise you, he just does not have

Block. Read a book.

Tell the police. Help them protect you.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through so much with this excuse for a human being. You’ve done so well not to have contact with him, and let him pull you back in.
I hope he chokes on his ‘can of worms’.

I listen to a podcast called ‘Book Cheat’ which is quite funny, and with the bonus that I now don’t have to read a lot of books, but can sound like I have if someone mentions them😃

Try not to let him control your thoughts & feelings OP. It's still early days, you will get past this. I'm sitting here with my cats enjoying the peace of mind I get from being my own woman, without abusive ex who I was so desperate to be rid of a few years ago. You will get there, one step at a time . Keep going. It is so worth it, I promise.

Please stay strong, the fear is so horrible, try saying 'i'm not scared', it always makes me feel empowered x

I'm watching a Korean drama on Netflix. Do you ever watch them? I love 'em! They're so fantastical, and the actors are amazing.

I really hope you'll manage to stay away from that abusive man. My DM did it many years ago and I'm so glad I didn't have to grow up with him. It'll soon be morning and you'll be on your way. Won't ask where you're going. Keep that to yourself.

Have you tried tapping meditations?

Can you get a restraining order ?

You sound so strong OP. Keep on. - you're going away tomorrow and that will be another step towards freedom. I'm sitting here under a blanket with the Christmas tree lights on, a cat on my lap and some candles lit. I feel warm for the first time today, though too lazy even to pick up the book I'm reading.

Deep breaths and hot drinks won't work against an abusive man that smashes up cars and threatens you.

You need to tell everyone op. Everyone that can help you anyway. The police, Woman's Aid, friends, family, etc. Abusers rely on their victims silence and shame to be able to keep getting away with it. I've been there, I built my ex up to be this bogeyman that no one could stop. In reality he's just a sad, pathetic cunt of a man stamping his feet because he can't get his own way. Get real life help and support op, they'll help you see him for what he is.

Don’t reply to his email, he’s looking for a response, you have changed your phone number so he’s trying to find another way to get to you. Please do tell the police, every time he contacts you tell them, they should be able to do something. When I was in this situation I managed to get my abuser arrested for harassment and a no contact order placed on him.

I cannot tell you all how much it helps reading your lovely, helpful, reassuring comments. He is a pathological liar, a manipulator, a dangerous man, a drug dealer and someone who is very unpredictable. All I want in life is a happy relationship and children, and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't have them with him.

I had the courage to leave. I've survived all my worst days so far. I've survived the attempted break ins, the fake suicides, the car smashing, the threats from drug dealers, the harassment of my friends and family, the blackmail, the calls and texts from unknown numbers, the fear and the lack of safety. I just need to keep going.

I think it's going to be hard the next few weeks as im a teaching assistant at a primary school so I'm off for a few weeks which means more time at home and more time to think

Oh sweetheart. I’ve never been in a situation as bad as yours but I have been through some stuff and this always helps to calm and reassure in moments of crisis - it’s a poem called Desiderata and the line ‘Do not distress yourself with dark imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness’ feels true so often. Sending you love and strength.

“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

by Max Ehrmann ©1927