To Think A Lot Of People Are Unrealistic About This

[TheShellBeach]

I am so sick of seeing threads about children whose diets are less than perfect.
I frequently see the response "Children won't starve themselves."

That is not true for a number of children. Some of them, those with ASD and ARFID, simply cannot cope with various tastes and textures, and would rather starve than be forced to eat something they find repugnant.

Then there are the virtue-signallers who love to tell us that their children eat any number of vegetables and other foods. That is not helpful when you have a child who already has an extremely limited diet.

AIBU to think that a lot of parents do not realise what a struggle food can be for some children, and by extension, their parents?

Yep you're spot on. My little one has a very limited diet and is very reluctant to try anything. I have had negative comments from mums who are only just beginning to wean their kids... funny how people are experts on things they haven't even experienced yet!!
But it's the same with everything, we're all perfect parents with big ideas about what our kids will and won't do.... but reality and our kids have different ideas!

That's fine but why be so rude about parents who have kids who eat veg and general food?

Yes but there are a lot of fussy eaters and it's really those the threads are aimed at, not your examples.

I apologise. I did not intend to be rude to parents whose children eat vegetables.

I have four children and one has ARFID. The other three eat anything, pretty much.

I hear you.

My youngest still has a fairly limited diet. It is getting better as times goes on. But he will just not eat something he doesn't like the look of, and would absolutely starve himself rather than eat something he thinks he doesn't like.

Our health visitor said the worst thing we could do was turn food and meal time into a battle as it was one we were unlikely to win and could cause real issues with food/eating disorders.

YANBU. My son is on the waiting list to be assessed and food is his biggest issue. The list of things he’ll eat gets shorter all the time. I have been in tears trying to get him to eat his dinner or some fruit (his main problem areas) because I’m just trying to get something healthy in him but he isn’t having it at all. I can only hope when I eventually get seen by someone that they can help, because nothing seems to work.

My child, now an adult, would starve himself rather than eat something he found disgusting. He has ASD and the other problem was that some foods, perfectly ordinary foods, weren't allowed to be on the same plate. If they touched, the food was condemned. He had meals served with each item on separate plates at home. YANBU.

He had meals served with each item on separate plates at home. YANBU.

I used to work for a man who did this. It was some time before I realised he had ASD.

Couldn't agree more op. Adults wouldn't like being made to eat food they don't like, so why do it to children.

I vividly remember sitting in front of a plate of bread and jam as a child and being made to sit there till I ate it. If I remember it 50 plus years later then it had a massive impact. I remember staring it at the plate and feeling so nauseous and gagging at the thought of it.

I had a child who had food issues that were probably to do with textures rather than taste. They would be sick if they were made to eat something they didn't like and would starve rather than eat it. We decided not to make mealtimes a battle zone and by the time they were in their mid to late teens they would eat most things, including mussels. The one thing they have never eaten is the one thing they were made to eat as a child.

One of our grandchildren is the same.

I know it will sound dramatic to some, but I think it is a form of torture to force food on to the children who really have issues with eating. As long as they have some foods in each food group I wouldn't push it.

yes

children will absolutely starve themselves, especially girls with ASD.

we have dealt with it at all
ages. It gets worse as they get older, not better because puberty presents challenges for these kids

i have three goals

1. don’t turn food into a battle
2. try to foster a healthy relationship with food
3. keep my dd out of the hospital

i really don’t care what the fuck she eats anymore.

I don't think OP is being rude about those parents. It's more about the people who make a point of saying this on threads when it doesn't actually help.

So:

'Don't worry OP, mine lived off fish fingers for the first three years and he's fine now, eats all sorts' = fine.

'At that age mine ate a range of fruit and veg and weren't afraid to try new things. But then we've never pandered to them, I cook one meal and they can take it or leave it' = not helpful.

It's like anything where people do the "right" things and get the result they want. The effect of chance (or luck) is more or less completely ignored. And then this is mixed with a big dose of telling people what they should have done to avoid the situation they are in now. Which leads to a large number of posts not nearly as useful as the posters think they are.

Oh yes!
People who have kids who are good eaters are just a little bit fussy really have no idea. They also often seem to think it's because of their superior parenting. (Until they get one of these kids themselves).

Totally missing the point.
I hear you, OP.
Coming from a parent with one kid who is inspirational in their willingness to try anything and one with ASD... ever decreasing number of foods they'll eat, ever increasing fussiness over sauces, food touching etc. Oh, and an ex who tries to force her to eat 'normally'.

Thank you. That is exactly what I meant.

Indeed. And they often append a list of the 90 vegetables and fruits which their child eats weekly.

I don't get the angst. If the shoe doesn't fit don't wear it. And don't take things personally, just because someone's kid eats spinach linguine with oysters for breakfast doesn't make your kid who will just about tolerate a jacob's cream cracker any less.

Yanbu. I have wept in the supermarket trying to find something my younger teen will eat. Beige and more beige. And dead pig, dead chicken and more salt.

Her brother will eat (and try) anything he's not allergic to and I'm happy with anything healthy and veggie.

My nephew is like this. He’s very very thin, I think not only because his diet is restricted but because he eats very small portions. I would say this is the most obvious sign of his ASD.

My partner was a v v fussy eater as a child - he only ate plain chicken and mash, and then "branched out" and ate meat and potato and eggs and some bread but that was about it.
He has no health issues, never has, and is a 6 foot tall v healthy guy! He would often starve himself if there wasn't something available but then he can always have a big breakfast the next day.
That said, it was a nightmare going out for years as there were so many things he couldn't eat. When we started living together, I would cook a meal (a spread of all different things usually) and he could eat it or not but there would always be two things he could eat, ie bread and butter and some meat. He now eats pretty much anything including asparagus, butternut squash, spinach...only thing he absolutely won't touch is fruit which is no problem!
Mealtimes shouldn't be a battle, but he does look back sometimes and wish he'd had the opportunity to try more things - it would have made his life much easier more than anything!

I agree OP! I get a lot of comments from other "helpful" people about how to feed my fairly fussy DS. it's like - you try giving him other foods and see how he refuses point blank, gags, etc etc. so we play by what he wants and give him healthy foods within that as far as we can. he has a healthy enough diet. But I could do without other people's judgement.

Agreed. If I'd stopped at one child I might remain convinced that I am an outstanding parent who's baby slept through the night, child eats everything and breezes through school because I have done such a great job. I didn't though and my daughter was sent to teach me some humility and test my patience enessly!

Mine just has a teeny appetite. He eats a good range of foods, but nowhere near enough of them. I hugely sympathise as mine isn’t starving but he also isn’t eating anything like enough and it’s a huge, huge worry for me.

The angst is partly worry that your child is not eating enough, or not eating a sufficiently varied diet to thrive. Finding food they will eat or even enjoy isn't easy.
Plus the added annoyance of a lack of understanding around children who eat a very restricted diet. Other parents especially.

And I hate the way small things become big things. So for instance yesterday at a toddler group all the children were given a cake as part of the Christmas party, tiny slice. But then mine wouldn’t eat a proper lunch, he had maybe two spoonfuls of mash potato and a carrot. But refusing him the cake as everyone else is munching away doesn’t seem the answer either. It’s a nightmare