To Think A Lot Of People Are Unrealistic About This

[TheShellBeach]

I am so sick of seeing threads about children whose diets are less than perfect.
I frequently see the response "Children won't starve themselves."

That is not true for a number of children. Some of them, those with ASD and ARFID, simply cannot cope with various tastes and textures, and would rather starve than be forced to eat something they find repugnant.

Then there are the virtue-signallers who love to tell us that their children eat any number of vegetables and other foods. That is not helpful when you have a child who already has an extremely limited diet.

AIBU to think that a lot of parents do not realise what a struggle food can be for some children, and by extension, their parents?

YABU. People generalise. It's normal. It's unreasonable to expecf posters to preface every single post with a load of caveats 'Unless your child has ARFID' etc. The vast majority of children won't starve themselves.

Also YABU to imply that every poster whose dc eat a varied diet, or like some more 'exotic' foods is virtue-signalling. People respond to the topic and to what the OP asks. Sometimes their experience of feeding their children will not be like the OP's. Does that mean they aren't allowed to post?

I was with you until you described it as 'virtue signalling' when people say their kids eat anything.

You have got a child with a specific difficulty. That is possibly making you feel a bit over sensitive. I agree absolutely that in your situation, and with any genuine eating issue, it is a hell of a lot more complicated than people understand.

But also, with a lot of people, it is just a (parent-exacerbated) fussiness issue, which is not the same thing at all.

@Fairislefandango a child doesn’t have to have ARFID or even a specified disorder for mealtimes to be a source of stress.

DS has no additional needs I am aware of, but he does have a small appetite, always has. He also doesn’t seem to recognise when he is hungry.

The vast majority of children aren't the type of fussy eaters that get mentioned on mumsnet though.

It's extremely likely that by the time a poster is posting on mumsnet about their "fussy eater" being told to just like it or lump it is soooo not helpful. As in the opposite of helpful.

I hear you op. It would be so much better rif the narrative was dont make a meal time a battle/always have some safe food/ serve it not touching if that's the issue/ offer new food (on a separate dish if necessary) but don't be upset if theg refuse....

We are pretty sure DH has AFRID. It's been an issue since he was 18 months old and poor MIL used to worry sick about it. He is in his 40's now and still has a very limited diet. When we first got together I used to try to change his eating habits but it was never my business. His eating habits are his own choice. People are very judgemental. To be honest we just avoid talking about it and change the subject when people take the piss out of how 'fussy' he is.

DH is likely on the spectrum, DS has been diagnosed with ASD and DD is also likely the same. Both kids have a varied diet (lots of people told me they would be affected by the way DH is but it hasn't been a problem).

And yes - DH would starve instead of eat something he doesn't like.

It's virtue signalling alright. Every thread will include someone insisting their no tolerance of 'fussy eaters' and these people love and inverted comma has gifted them nt children.

I have AFRID. I wasn't pandered to as a child and my parents made my condition much much worse. So thank you mum and dad for the years of anorexia you are responsible for.

I cannot and never have been able to eat food I don't like; as an adult obviously I can pick and choose.

I also hate certain foods touching; again my choice.

Making me feel guilty/bad as a child never worked- yes I felt bad and guilty. I still couldn't eat it.

I understand OP and it's really frustrating when others don't understand too. I believe that food 'selectivity' is now considered one of the markers in autism assessments, although I could be wrong.

Besides all the domestic approaches to this, it is important to gain control of the food approaches of the other environments - meaning they have to have some understanding that dc is different with food. I always provided food too.

DS is now 21 and over time he has increased his food choices a lot. Sometimes this happened in another 'trusted' environment.

DS has chosen to live on Huel. It looks and tastes unpleasant to me but it contains all the calories he needs. He does eat a few things on top (crumpets with peanut butter, chips.

He says that Huel has allowed him the freedom not to have to conform to others' perceptions about what he should be eating. He has always disliked eating out as there would generally be few options on a menu that he would enjoy.

its the sanctimonious answers that say if people just insisted on a healthy diet, the kids would eat a healthy diet.

when someone posts that their child has a list of 5 foods, telling them that it is their fault for ever feeding them a fish finger in the first place isn’t helpful.

sure, there are parents out there who feed their children junk food from day one, but don’t most try to do well by their children?

If someone is posting about a picky eater, the odds are high there is something deeper happening.

“Just feed them healthy food and they will eat when they get hungry” is terrible, dangerous advice.

Huel? I had to Google that. Bless him, at least he's aware that he needs a balanced diet and also some other things too. I managed to get ds to eat a chewable multivitamin eventually, something he still does to this day.

Eating out? Doesn't happen although we could go for a pizza, just I couldn't face it . Although when we used to go on holiday together, after I ordered loads of culinary delights for me and chips for him (bringing our own tomato sauce) I felt the need to explain, just to stop me looking like a cruel mother.

Gah just lost the whole post I was writing!

Anyway. I'm on the fence because I do know that arfid exists and that children with this disorder can end up in nutritional difficulty because of it. But on the flip side, the vast majority of parents writing about picky eating are not dealing with arfid, and their worries are completely overblown. They feel very very responsible and very worried, when in most cases the problem will go away if they just back off and calm down about their child's eating. And often this big fear that their child is in some kind of danger causes them to push more and more when what they actually need to do is relax and step back.

So yes, I do quite often write that children will not starve themselves, but I also try to quantify this by saying if a child has allergies or other dietary restrictions, or sensory issues surrounding food, then parents should seek professional advice. In the vast majority of cases that isn't needed, just a bit of perspective and reassurance.

I think if you've had an extremely picky child it can be quite hard to imagine somebody being worried because their child eats well but doesn't really like vegetables, but a lot of parents really do worry about things like this.

I'm not sure that you're right OP.
I come from a poor country, that used to be much much poorer - we're talking a high incidence of malnutrition due to lack of food / protein. I myself have 'warped' ribs due to mild rickets due to malnourishment - despite my parents being doctors and trying desperately to feed me enough as they knew the consequences even more.
So what would have happened in those countries - had there been cases of children like such?
Or in general, what would have happened 100 years ago?
Or 1000 years ago?

Yes there will always be exceptions but they are just that, EXCEPTIONS.

My son is severely autistic and from the age of 1 year and started proper solids. (he's 12 now) literally lives on red Pom bear crisps and galaxy counters.
He's never tried a piece of fruit no vegetables never tried even a chip or crisps. Nothing at all!

He doesn't understand that we will get very poorly if he carries on like this.
I have begged doctors to help. I'm very very sure he has Arfid and after a hell of a fight I've got his first dietitian appointment on the 17th jan.

He literally eats two foods and that is it!!
I really have tried everything

That must be so hard for you - I'm so sorry. A big handhold from a stranger, here.

I, as a child, would happily have starved rather than eat something I didn't like - and there were MANY foods that I didn't like. I was really lucky because my mum never made food an issue - she didn't believe in giving kids stuff they didn't like - and now I'm a happy, try-anything adult.

My DD(3) is going through a fussy phase right now. She still eats at least two veg, LOADS of fruit, two proteins, and a few carbs. I think we're doing fine. Love to everyone out there whose kids are finding food tough going ❤️

Bonheur yes malnutrition, starvation and the diseases it causes such as ricketts is a terrible thing and unfortunately still occurring in some places. It used to happen a lot here too in the poorer communities but we mostly managed to overcome that over time, although some might say we are going back to those dark days of widespread poverty.

Unless the only food available was one the food-diverse dc would eat then yes they would probably succumb to malnutrition. I have often thought of that when I consider DS's food differences.

I think unfortunately these children when they are born into such a situation are considered to have a weak constitution or be generally sickly - you read this kind of thing in old books and that could have been one of the causes.

@CrabDuckDuckCrab it's so hard isn't it.
He drinks a lot of water, but would never take any vitamins as he won't swallow anything else. He gags so much just watching me eat.
He is so pale and lethargic all the time.
I'm so so worried about him.

I really hope things will change once we start seeing a dietitian, but because of his autism he doesn't understand what people are saying. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I feel so alone with it all. (Single parent)

OP didn't imply that everyone whose children eat a regular diet was a virtue signaller. Just some. There's quite a significant difference.

And it's gladdening that you feel that way. But not everyone wears that attitude. I have one spinach linguine oyster eater and one who should sneer at a jacob's cracker. Plenty of reasonable people like yourself who don't frown at this but, from experience, there are plenty who judge parents for this and go on to hand out unsolicited, completely useless advice. And when you are already coping with a neurodiverse child with any number of issues that worry you out of your mind, it can be hurtful, frustrating and, at times, plain ignorant. I think that's why people like OP sometimes feel the need to vent.

@fatsocatso I understand and the OP is absolutely right to vent but I've found if I allowed myself to give headspace to every potential judgement (however minor it may be) I'd be too anxious to leave the house. As an aside I completely get it - when I was pregnant I'd often order two coffees - one decaf one standard because the judgements about drinking coffee whilst pregnant nearly sent me over the edge.

You're absolutely right, life is 100x better when we can manage to give zero shits about what other people think. I try to live by that mantra too (I couldn't produce any breast milk at all and, my god, the judgement over bottle feeding!) but I guess we all have stuff that gets to us at times. In this case, I think it's not so much what other people think, but being merrily told you're doing it wrong. Anyway, I think we're pretty much understanding each other, just such a shame that some people are out there making other peoples lives harder than they need to be.

I am so sorry. I can well imagine how terrible you feel about this.

I recall a FB thread on this subject, and most people believed that yes, children in countries where food was generally unavailable would still have starved themselves if their "safe" foods were not around.