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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with ex putting his girlfriend before his kids

30 replies

Bepis · 16/12/2022 14:56

My kids were going to spend Christmas with their dad which would be the first time he will be having them for Christmas. They are 18 and 16.

My 18 year old has additional needs and a generalised anxiety disorder where she is terrified to be around people she doesn't know and it needs dealing with sensitively and slowly. She genuinely cannot cope with meeting new people.

It was all planned for them to stay with their dad and have a nice time on Christmas Day, cooking dinner, watching movies etc. My 18 year old dd was really looking forward to it.

He now tells me that his girlfriend will be coming round to his house on Christmas Day. The original plan was he was going to see her for a while at her house while my kids are in his flat. This has just been sprung on DD who cannot cope with this sort of thing and she now does not want to go.

I explained this to my ex and his reply was:

"Been as DD1 come running to you let her stop with you my girlfriend is a nurse and she as anxiety herself DD2 as met her she is nice think DD1 best at your house it's Christmas my girlfriend understands a lot regarding anxiety"

And then:

"I will send DD1 present back end of the day my girlfriend understand a lot she as anxiety her self and she is a nurse sick of every time she as to run to you about everything no I will send her present back I don't need all the stress"

She was so looking forward to going.

AIBU to think he should put his disabled daughter first?

OP posts:
Testina · 16/12/2022 15:08

Is he telling the truth that your daughter has already met his girlfriend? So she’s not a new person to be introduced?

Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 15:09

@Testina Our youngest daughter has met her (16 year old) but our eldest (18 year old with additional needs) hasn't met her.

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 16/12/2022 15:13

To some extent I think he has a right to be annoyed. If dd2 has met her, then I'm presuming this isn't a flash in the pan relationship. I can understand how he wants to see all the people he cares about on Christmas Day.

Could dd1 and your exH arrange to meet the girlfriend this week, somewhere neutral? So that she's not a complete stranger come Christmas Day?

Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 15:20

@sunlovingcriminal I think they have been together for about 6 months or so, not entirely certain on the dates but it's not been long.

That's the thing, DD1 is refusing to go now but she's also upset cos she wanted to see her dad.

I think what irritates me is that it was all planned and he was going to see his gf on Christmas Day but go to hers for a bit while the kids stay at his and relax.

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 16/12/2022 15:26

I do feel for her, and you, as it's a late in the day change of plan.

Would your dd1 feel comfortable if gf was there for maybe a few hours beginning/end of day- as opposed to end of the

I can understand you wanting to protect dd1, but it seems like you have two options- 1) insist that dd1 goes (with both your dd and exH) as it's exH's Christmas, or 2) have her with you and that be okay.

But I am presuming that dd1 will need to meet gf at some stage?

sunlovingcriminal · 16/12/2022 15:27

*as opposed to all day (that should have said!)

Americano75 · 16/12/2022 15:34

If his gf actually understood anxiety she wouldn't come. Sorry, you made arrangements with your daughter's needs in mind and he should stick to it. It wasn't like he wasn't getting to see his gf at all on the day.

Bookworm20 · 16/12/2022 15:37

As DD1 and DD2 are fine to stay at his alone, I am assuming that DD1s additional needs mean she is capable of looking after herself and doesn't need someone there all the time? Hard to know to what extent her additional needs are from your post.

Understand about anxiety, but if she never meets his GF, she will never get to know her. DD2 has met and liked her by the sounds of it, so can she reassure her sister in any way? Is there not some way she can meet her before xmas day? she might really like her and then the issue won't reoccur. perhaps say to ex if the initial meeting goes really badly, would he reconsider for this year and go to his gf's as planned?

I wouldn't see this as him putting his GF before his dds though. If DD1 does not want to go, then that is her decision and he or you can't force her to.
Is it more a case that she doesn't want her dad to have a GF or is she happy for him? As that could play a big part in her refusal to now go.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/12/2022 15:47

Ok .. i get your Dd has anxiety.. what is the plan for meeting..

Whilst obviously she has additional needs use what helped. How can this be made easier for us

Maverickess · 16/12/2022 15:47

Is he saying there that he's going to send her present 'back' as in return to where he bought it, or is he sending it to your house because now she doesn't want to go her present will need to be with you?

I don't think he's being massively unreasonable with the idea in general, but he is to spring it on dd1 this way when it was planned differently and that was what she was expecting.

Can you suggest a compromise where DD goes once the GF has left? That way she gets to see her dad but also doesn't need to deal with meeting the GF and the stress?

Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 15:47

@Bookworm20 She had a moderate learning disability but also bad anxiety surrounding social situations and new people. She needs caring for and I don't like to leave her alone but if her 16 year old sister is with her (who doesn't have additional needs) then I know that she will be looked after. She can look after herself to an extent but can't use cookers or have a bath unsupervised due to dangers that she cannot grasp. Needs a lot of emotional support.

I think it's the sudden change of plan that has affected her most. It was all sorted and she was happy, then the change has been sprung on her which she doesn't cope too well with. She can just about handle meeting new people on neutral ground (like in a shop) with me with her but having someone come into the home is intimidating for her as I think she feels that she has no escape route if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 15:49

@Maverickess he means send it back as in she's not having it if she doesn't go. My youngest daughter has tried to talk to him about it but he just gets annoyed.

They were planning on going 24-26 December. The gf is coming over Christmas Day so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to get her there on Xmas day as I don't have a car. Rely on buses and they won't be running.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 15:50

@Starlightstarbright1 Do you mean the plan at his end?

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 16/12/2022 15:58

From your update, then yes he has handled this pretty badly. He should know how she reacts to changes. Surely a better approach would have been to introduce them before hand, in a neutral setting (maybe even with you there?) So that DD1 can meet her. Then perhaps he could have put it to her that did she like GF? Would she mind if GF joined them xmas day for a little while to join in with some games etc. Then DD would have been involved in that decision and i'm sure much less anxious.

The fact he has just changed it and said basically thats how it will be and tough, no wonder Dd1 feels she has been put second.

Not sure how you can change his mind though, as surely he already knows this. Any chance you can speak to the GF and explain? Or is that totally out of the question? If he won't change his mind or handle this much more delicately, unfortunately theres not much you can do.

ElfShake · 16/12/2022 16:01

I don’t think many of the PP’s appreciate how bad anxiety can be for some people. Mild anxiety would be your DD being nervous to meet new GF, feeling quite uncomfortable having her around but coping okay so long as she didn’t have to speak to her much.

Severe anxiety could mean your DD has stomach ache, a tight chest, sleepless nights all week leading up to it. Christmas Day feeling overwhelmed and having a complete panic attack/meltdown while freezing up on the outside and not being able to focus on anything apart from desperately wanting to get away from the situation, completely ruining her Christmas and making her really ill for potentially days afterwards.

It’s not a case of ‘oh just get on with it, she’ll have to meet her sooner or later anyway!’. She will, but Christmas is a really cruel time to put her through that if her anxiety’s severe.

Tilly616 · 16/12/2022 16:01

I think it's actually nice he's putting his girlfriend's needs as equal to his adult (or nearly adult in the case of the 16 year old) children. Of course its not unreasonable of him to want to see his girlfriend on Christmas day.

If the girlfriends a nurse (so presumably a kind person) and the 16 year old's already met her, then it's not unreasonable at all to expect the 18 year old to meet her on Christmas day.

If she really doesn't want to then that's her decision, but he can't be expected to exclude his girlfriend because his adult (albeit with additional needs) daughter refuses to attempt to spend time with her.

Sending pressie back is mean though - I agree on that bit.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 16/12/2022 16:07

ElfShake · 16/12/2022 16:01

I don’t think many of the PP’s appreciate how bad anxiety can be for some people. Mild anxiety would be your DD being nervous to meet new GF, feeling quite uncomfortable having her around but coping okay so long as she didn’t have to speak to her much.

Severe anxiety could mean your DD has stomach ache, a tight chest, sleepless nights all week leading up to it. Christmas Day feeling overwhelmed and having a complete panic attack/meltdown while freezing up on the outside and not being able to focus on anything apart from desperately wanting to get away from the situation, completely ruining her Christmas and making her really ill for potentially days afterwards.

It’s not a case of ‘oh just get on with it, she’ll have to meet her sooner or later anyway!’. She will, but Christmas is a really cruel time to put her through that if her anxiety’s severe.

Yes but giving in to anxiety and letting it win is what leads to it becoming overwhelming like you describe.

Meeting new people is a fact of life. However it is poor form to expect strangers to spend Christmas together happily.

Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:14

@Tilly616 She is 18 chronologically but mentally she is about 10/11.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:16

@Mummysatthebodyshop I completely agree with you. I suffer with anxiety too and know that I have to push myself to do things in order to get better. With her disability though, she doesn't understand that concept so to her it's uncomfortable so it's a flat out 'no'. She can't understand that she needs to face her fear.

I do try to push her with things but I know with her there is a limit and what her dad wants to do is way beyond her limit. She will just have a meltdown and Christmas will be miserable for everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:19

@ElfShake Thank you, that explains it perfectly. She has severe anxiety and would be looking to escape. If she couldn't escape she would completely shut down and she just would not be able to cope.

I really want her to go as I know she would have enjoyed it. She hasn't seen her dad for a good 6-9 months so she was looking forward to it.

OP posts:
panko · 16/12/2022 16:23

Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:19

@ElfShake Thank you, that explains it perfectly. She has severe anxiety and would be looking to escape. If she couldn't escape she would completely shut down and she just would not be able to cope.

I really want her to go as I know she would have enjoyed it. She hasn't seen her dad for a good 6-9 months so she was looking forward to it.

6-9 months!!!! Why hasn't he seen her!

If he'd been seeing her regularly and then built up to thos gradually it wouldn't be an issue what a plonker he is.

Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:26

@panko I've been quite unwell this past year and been unable to physically get her on the bus to take her to his place (2 bus journey). He wouldn't come and help out by coming over to my house to pick her up (she can't travel alone).

There had been arrangements for her to spend 13 November with but he cancelled as he was going shooting at 6am the next morning and she would have been left in his flat 7 hours which wouldn't be safe.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/12/2022 16:27

I'm not saying he's handled it gracefully, but I don't think it is unreasonable for him to invite his girlfriend to his house at Christmas.

I understand that your daughter may be younger than her chronological age, but it will not be possible for her to avoid meeting new people. Both her parents should be working to get her used to this, rather than avoiding it. Christmas day is not the time, but she will need to get to know her father's new partner.

Original poster
Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:42

@TheYearOfSmallThings if she wanted to, I would more than welcome it. I feel at the age she is though, I can't really force her to meet anyone if she doesn't want to.

OP posts:
panko · 16/12/2022 16:43

Bepis · 16/12/2022 16:26

@panko I've been quite unwell this past year and been unable to physically get her on the bus to take her to his place (2 bus journey). He wouldn't come and help out by coming over to my house to pick her up (she can't travel alone).

There had been arrangements for her to spend 13 November with but he cancelled as he was going shooting at 6am the next morning and she would have been left in his flat 7 hours which wouldn't be safe.

Yes sorry I wasn't in anyway suggesting any of this was down to you he should have wanted to see her! I can't imagine my DH going that long without seeing his kids.