To be fed up with ex putting his girlfriend before his kids

[Bepis]

My kids were going to spend Christmas with their dad which would be the first time he will be having them for Christmas. They are 18 and 16.

My 18 year old has additional needs and a generalised anxiety disorder where she is terrified to be around people she doesn't know and it needs dealing with sensitively and slowly. She genuinely cannot cope with meeting new people.

It was all planned for them to stay with their dad and have a nice time on Christmas Day, cooking dinner, watching movies etc. My 18 year old dd was really looking forward to it.

He now tells me that his girlfriend will be coming round to his house on Christmas Day. The original plan was he was going to see her for a while at her house while my kids are in his flat. This has just been sprung on DD who cannot cope with this sort of thing and she now does not want to go.

I explained this to my ex and his reply was:

"Been as DD1 come running to you let her stop with you my girlfriend is a nurse and she as anxiety herself DD2 as met her she is nice think DD1 best at your house it's Christmas my girlfriend understands a lot regarding anxiety"

And then:

"I will send DD1 present back end of the day my girlfriend understand a lot she as anxiety her self and she is a nurse sick of every time she as to run to you about everything no I will send her present back I don't need all the stress"

She was so looking forward to going.

AIBU to think he should put his disabled daughter first?

If his GF had such a decent understanding of anxiety, she wouldn’t come because she wouldn’t want to distress your DD. He’s been with her for six months, not six years so he shouldn’t be putting her needs before his child’s.

@panko I didn't think you were, don't worry 😊. My DH would never go that long either without seeing his son. Longest he went was 6 months but that was because his ex wouldn't let him. But that's a whole other story haha.

Oh dear. OP, you can’t carry on like this. Terrible that her dad wouldn’t pick her up. Does he not drive either?
Can you get funding for a PA for her, who can help her get out and about? I’ll be hard in the beginning but once they’ve met and established a relationship, that should help.
I feel for you 16 year old being her sister’s career too. Nothing wrong with it, just mentioning this might help all of you.

She might be better off spending Xmas at home if his dad won’t budge and tou don’t think she can cope with meeting the gf

That's a horrible thing for him to do, it's blackmail and although as you say, chronologically 18 and an adult, she sounds very vulnerable.

Why is it always up to you to facilitate contact? Is it that she won't go without you accompanying her to get there or is it because he can't be bothered? If you both don't drive then I can understand the issue with Christmas day (also bus reliant myself) but he doesn't even seem to be making the smallest effort here to accommodate his DD and work around the situation for a conclusion that is suitable for all involved.

If it were me (and unfortunately it has been with a younger child over the years) then she wouldn't be going if she doesn't want to, seeing as he's making no effort to do anything useful and threatening to send her present back.

Two things strike me. First of all he's barely literate - and second, I don't think it's that unreasonable to expect your daughter to be around another person, despite her anxiety. He's selfish to put seeing his girlfriend first, but it's an extreme reaction by your daughter.