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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset at him and his brother

41 replies

todayisgonnabetheday · 15/12/2022 23:53

To give a bit of back story, long term relationship with partner of 5 years. We have 1 child and one due end of janurary, we live together.

Unfortunately about 18 months ago I found out my partner had cheated. I decided to stay as our son was only 1 at the time and he seemed remorseful. Since then the relationship has been great, it's taken a while to get over and work through but he's done everything I have asked or could want really. I don't think it ever fully goes away and sometimes I think about whether I should have left instead but things on the whole are really good. New baby was not planned but we are very happy about it.

Now for the AIBU..
Nobody in his family knows that he was unfaithful, I didn't want to tell them as we are all quite close and I didn't want any awkwardness, he has a big family with 7 brothers and sisters.

2 of his brothers recently moved abroad to the same place. Both as very different people, one is responsible and wealthy with a great job, the other is irresponsible and will quite often make his money illegally in between the odd job here and there.

The irresponsible brother has invited my partner out to stay for a few days. It's only about a 2 hour flight from where we live. Originally this was going to happen in January but my partner didn't think it was a good idea so close to my due date and I completely agreed.

The other night I heard them on FaceTime (I was in the same room so no secret) chatting away and his brother started talking about how he was going to find my partner a girl for while he was out there to have sex with. My partner looked mortified and started to laugh and dismissed it saying that wasn't what the trip was for. He asked me (while on the phone) if I heard what he said and I said no, which I didn't at the time, but knew it wasn't good. He told me what was said once they got off the phone and I immediately felt sick.

He's told me in no uncertain terms that anything of the sort would happen and that the responsible brother would be with them the whole time and I can call/text any time but to be honest it hasn't helped. I know I'm pregnant so I'm easily emotional right now anyway but I'm so cut up about it. It brought back all the feelings I had with what happened 18 months ago and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach about him going.

He's now said that I'm getting worked up for nothing, I'm actually not worked up although I did have a big cry about it and he told me not to worry and reassured me and gave me a big hug. He doesnt understand how it feels after being cheated on how this can be such a huge trigger. Now I'm dreading the whole Christmas period for when this trip happens although it will be months away yet. AIBU to be upset? I'm also absolutely fuming at his brother for being so disrespectful. He knows I am pregnant and we live together I have met him although only twice due to distance but he knows our family dynamic and I can't get my head around why you would encourage someone to do that to their family.

OP posts:
OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 16/12/2022 00:00

I mean a leopard never changes their spots

Why on earth did you stay with him AND have another child????

You deserve better

Mumma · 16/12/2022 00:03

He was very honest to tell you what was said. Surely if he intended to cheat he would have taken the chance and not said anything?

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2022 00:04

You know this isn't the first time those two I've had this sort of conversation? I really feel for you as you are in such a horrible position but honestly I wouldn't trust your partner as far as you could throw him.

Christmasnero · 16/12/2022 00:06

Nah. He needs to cancel. He cheated not that long ago. You’ve got a dc and you’re pregnant. The priority is making sure you feel comfortable and happy, if he misses out on a trip because he previously couldn’t keep it in his pants then that’s on him.

but also. If you don’t trust him, and he’s making it your problem by saying you’re being ott then I wouldn’t say the relationship is great and you probably should try to get some couples therapy if you can afford it or take some other steps to work on your trust together if not, assuming you don’t want to leave.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/12/2022 00:28

He's told me in no uncertain terms that anything of the sort would happen and that the responsible brother would be with them the whole time

What difference does it make if the other brother is with him, does he need a minder?

This is why it's always a bad idea to stay with a cheater. You can never trust them and your life will be spent wondering if he is lying to you again.

Bananarama21 · 16/12/2022 00:35

You were daft enough to get pregnant when he cheated when you had a baby. Having 2 under 3 will put strain on a unstable relationship and he has history to going wandering.

nalabae · 16/12/2022 03:54

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Zanatdy · 16/12/2022 04:48

I agree with the poster who said why would he tell you if he intended to cheat? His brother is an arse.

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2022 05:13

His brother is a knob but then so is he- he’ll probably cheat again

yousexybugger · 16/12/2022 06:20

I don't like to stir the pot and he has been honest, but it doesn't sound like a Conversation from out of the blue to me, my brother has never offered to find me.a partner for sex and I don't know anyone who would think to.do so for their sibling. Could he have come clean about the chat because he realised or suspected that you'd overheard? With the timing re the baby, and what you've heard, if he is serious about this relationship long term then I think he should be willing to cancel the trip. That's not to say he can never visit his brothers, but if he's dismissing it as worrying about nothing then he isn't making the effort to understand you after his infidelity. Counselling as a couple?

scrivette · 16/12/2022 06:51

His brother is an idiot.
His reaction was the right one, to reassure you.
Despite what you will hear, relationships can work after infidelity.

Justleaveitblankthen · 16/12/2022 06:57

Well you were in the room at the same time, he thought you may have heard.
Of course he had to then tell you about it, probably thinking his brother was an indescreet Dick Hmm

Jesus. Imagine the reverse if he heard your sibling offering to hook you up?

They sound awful and I could not even look at the brother again.

Sorry OP Flowers

Herejustforthisone · 16/12/2022 07:21

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Don’t be a twat.

FarmGirl78 · 16/12/2022 07:30

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Wow. This was nasty. You've not added anything to the discussion, you've not helped OP in any way. I understand the point you're trying to make, but "lol" just makes it mean girls all the way.

Christmascandycane · 16/12/2022 08:18

In the kindest way OP, you are clinging to what you feel your relationship and future could be in a fantasy rather than what is.

This man has cheated on you. His brother seems to also have no morals.
You're protecting his unfaithfulness.

He wasn't sure if you had heard and used it as a tool to try and make himself out to be honourable.
Like a previous poster said, these conversations won't be the first of that nature that these two have had.

The reason you are worried is because you don't trust him.

How long can you fool yourself to live this way?

I can guarantee as time passes, he will convince you that he had one minor indiscretion and you are putting pressure on him, being unfair to him and how awful you are treating him.

You will also lie to yourself. You will tell yourself that you owe it to your children to make it work so you can be a happy family.
How moving on with 2 children alone will be so hard (you may even think impossible)that this option is better.
The pain of splitting up is too much to bear.

I can assure you that the pain of continuing this relationship will be longer and much more painful.

It will all come down to how much fiction you can convince yourself until you can no longer do so.
You will seek out any words or opinion that support what you want to believe right now so you can validate it.

It comes down to one thing.
Fear
Fear of all the things you think will make you so desperately unhappy to be without this man.
That is the fiction. The truth is you are already unhappy, fearful and the happiness will come from the release.

I do hope you can see before you get hurt further by more poor behaviour.

I'm sorry my words are not what you want but hope they are what you need.

stonebrambleboy · 16/12/2022 08:21

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That comment is cruel and unnecessary.

Christmascandycane · 16/12/2022 08:28

*scrivette · Today 06:51
His brother is an idiot.

His reaction was the right one, to reassure you.

Despite what you will hear, relationships can work after infidelity.*

Why is the OP so fearful of her partner being away?
Most people here will tell you that their partner being away causes them no distress at all.

When will be the right time for the OP to relax and trust again?

Have you stayed in a relationship after being cheated on? Have you been the one in a relationship that has cheated?

Are you trying to validate your own choice?

There is no malice intended in my questions, purely curiosity.

ChubbyMorticia · 16/12/2022 08:40

Ask him how he’d feel if the situation were reversed, and your sister/BFF talked about finding you a guy while away.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/12/2022 08:57

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That’s just fucking nasty.

Pismascrescents · 16/12/2022 09:01

He does need to cancel. If he chooses to go after this has been said I don’t see how the relationship can survive. Unless you choose to turn a blind eye. Really sorry OP. It’s not fair to stress you like this when pregnant.

It says a huge amount about his family’s attitudes towards relationships. Did the father cheat?

Tannedandfake · 16/12/2022 09:09

So when is he now planning to go on this trip? When you have a newborn?

GCAcademic · 16/12/2022 09:10

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What the fuck is wrong with you? Your life must be pretty shit to be hanging out on the internet typing that sort of thing. Pathetic.

Unicorn717 · 16/12/2022 09:13

When is he planning on going now then? When you've got a tiny baby to look after too?

He's told you so I would probably go further to say he won't do anything as it wasn't kept a secret but after what he's already done there would be no trust anyway.

Bookworm20 · 16/12/2022 09:13

He told you becuase he thought you had over heard the conversation. Not out of any sense of being loyal.

If you hadn't been within ear shot you can guarantee you would not be told what was said.

I also doubt this is the first time this has been said. Its such an odd thing to say out of the blue to your brother who is married, with a child and another on the way. So I'm guessing his brother knows he likes to play away, and was pre-empting facilitating that.

And your DH laughed it off? Probably nervous laughed it off because he thought you had heard? What he should have said was WTF Bro, Don't disrespect my wife/my marriage like that, or something along those lines. Not bloody laughing it off as though its a bloody joke. He laughed it off OP, because it has been said before. Most men would be horrified if someone said that to them.

Now that you know what was said, he should not be going on this trip. End of. He cheated, caused you serious amounts of pain and if he goes on this trip it will cause you more and that is 100% on him. If he can't see that then he isn't as remorseful as you'd like to think. He should be doing everything to make you feel safe and secure now. So he misses out on a holiday with his brother, Tough shit. Is he willing to do that?

I'd be seriously rethinking your relationship. I mean what kind of husband laughs off someone telling them they'll find him a girl to shag instead of jumping in and shutting that shit down straight away?

Hoppinggreen · 16/12/2022 09:17

Herejustforthisone · 16/12/2022 07:21

Don’t be a twat.

Show quote history

Although the lol bit is unecessary and nasty they do have a point