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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset at him and his brother

41 replies

todayisgonnabetheday · 15/12/2022 23:53

To give a bit of back story, long term relationship with partner of 5 years. We have 1 child and one due end of janurary, we live together.

Unfortunately about 18 months ago I found out my partner had cheated. I decided to stay as our son was only 1 at the time and he seemed remorseful. Since then the relationship has been great, it's taken a while to get over and work through but he's done everything I have asked or could want really. I don't think it ever fully goes away and sometimes I think about whether I should have left instead but things on the whole are really good. New baby was not planned but we are very happy about it.

Now for the AIBU..
Nobody in his family knows that he was unfaithful, I didn't want to tell them as we are all quite close and I didn't want any awkwardness, he has a big family with 7 brothers and sisters.

2 of his brothers recently moved abroad to the same place. Both as very different people, one is responsible and wealthy with a great job, the other is irresponsible and will quite often make his money illegally in between the odd job here and there.

The irresponsible brother has invited my partner out to stay for a few days. It's only about a 2 hour flight from where we live. Originally this was going to happen in January but my partner didn't think it was a good idea so close to my due date and I completely agreed.

The other night I heard them on FaceTime (I was in the same room so no secret) chatting away and his brother started talking about how he was going to find my partner a girl for while he was out there to have sex with. My partner looked mortified and started to laugh and dismissed it saying that wasn't what the trip was for. He asked me (while on the phone) if I heard what he said and I said no, which I didn't at the time, but knew it wasn't good. He told me what was said once they got off the phone and I immediately felt sick.

He's told me in no uncertain terms that anything of the sort would happen and that the responsible brother would be with them the whole time and I can call/text any time but to be honest it hasn't helped. I know I'm pregnant so I'm easily emotional right now anyway but I'm so cut up about it. It brought back all the feelings I had with what happened 18 months ago and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach about him going.

He's now said that I'm getting worked up for nothing, I'm actually not worked up although I did have a big cry about it and he told me not to worry and reassured me and gave me a big hug. He doesnt understand how it feels after being cheated on how this can be such a huge trigger. Now I'm dreading the whole Christmas period for when this trip happens although it will be months away yet. AIBU to be upset? I'm also absolutely fuming at his brother for being so disrespectful. He knows I am pregnant and we live together I have met him although only twice due to distance but he knows our family dynamic and I can't get my head around why you would encourage someone to do that to their family.

OP posts:

Original poster

todayisgonnabetheday · 16/12/2022 09:20

Thanks everyone, just reading through the replies but wanted to say that before the phone call with his brother I wasn't worried about him going but his brother is notorious for going through multiple women in a short time. He's got a different "girlfriend" every week. To be fair, I also believe that if the rest of the family knew what he had done they would be disgusted with him and they are really lovely people. His dad wasn't great and to answer a pp, yes his father was a serial cheat!

I know not everyone will agree that I continued the relationship after infidelity and that's my own problem if anything ever happened again, I always swore I would never stay with someone after that but we decided we wanted to try. He was really lovely to me last night knowing that it upset me but I'm definitely going to ask how he would feel should the roles have been reversed and he had heard someone say it to me I know he would not be happy. I don't even know if the trip will happen as he's said it before but time will tell

OP posts:

Original poster

todayisgonnabetheday · 16/12/2022 09:22

Bookworm20 · 16/12/2022 09:13

He told you becuase he thought you had over heard the conversation. Not out of any sense of being loyal.

If you hadn't been within ear shot you can guarantee you would not be told what was said.

I also doubt this is the first time this has been said. Its such an odd thing to say out of the blue to your brother who is married, with a child and another on the way. So I'm guessing his brother knows he likes to play away, and was pre-empting facilitating that.

And your DH laughed it off? Probably nervous laughed it off because he thought you had heard? What he should have said was WTF Bro, Don't disrespect my wife/my marriage like that, or something along those lines. Not bloody laughing it off as though its a bloody joke. He laughed it off OP, because it has been said before. Most men would be horrified if someone said that to them.

Now that you know what was said, he should not be going on this trip. End of. He cheated, caused you serious amounts of pain and if he goes on this trip it will cause you more and that is 100% on him. If he can't see that then he isn't as remorseful as you'd like to think. He should be doing everything to make you feel safe and secure now. So he misses out on a holiday with his brother, Tough shit. Is he willing to do that?

I'd be seriously rethinking your relationship. I mean what kind of husband laughs off someone telling them they'll find him a girl to shag instead of jumping in and shutting that shit down straight away?

Couldn't agree more, I will talk to him tonight about this and whether it's something that's been mentioned before, it makes a lot of sense

OP posts:

Patsy400 · 16/12/2022 09:22

His brothers behaviour and attitude is disgusting and not normal.
I would not be allowing my partner to go away with him, regardless of my circumstances.
Your partner needs to cancel the trip and concentrate on his family.

Mostmarriedcouple · 16/12/2022 09:24

That’s gross. Personally id accept nothing less than him going no contact with the irresponsible brother. Why would he allow such a grim human being in his life

NippyWoowoo · 16/12/2022 09:28

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 16/12/2022 00:00

I mean a leopard never changes their spots

Why on earth did you stay with him AND have another child????

You deserve better

This. Have nothing else to say as I never understand this.

pinkfondu · 16/12/2022 09:29

Reminds me of the difference between Sorry I have a girlfriend and No I have a girlfriend.

The reality is he doesn't need to fly anywhere to have sex with someone else. Of someone chooses to cheat they will.

butterfliedtwo · 16/12/2022 09:31

pinkfondu · 16/12/2022 09:29

Reminds me of the difference between Sorry I have a girlfriend and No I have a girlfriend.

The reality is he doesn't need to fly anywhere to have sex with someone else. Of someone chooses to cheat they will.

And he already did once.

I hope you have your own money, OP.

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 16/12/2022 09:34

Most blokes would just not go, especially with 2 very young children, especially with a history of cheating. It all sounds a bit emotionally manipulative from your partner - I'm going to go, my brother will tempt me to cheat but dry your tears, I'll resist. I would be a lot more worried about him than his brother. Your partner can hurt you so much more than his brother can and you will be very vulnerable when pregnant or with 2 very young children. You deserve not to have to worry about this.

Pismascrescents · 16/12/2022 09:46

It’s cheated once in my early twenties. Never again and had long term relationships. Not everyone changes but some do…

girlmom21 · 16/12/2022 09:54

The fact he said "that's not what the holiday is for" as opposed to "I'm in a long term committed relationship with a second child on the way, grow up" speaks volumes imo

AelinAshriver · 16/12/2022 10:06

Christmasnero · 16/12/2022 00:06

Nah. He needs to cancel. He cheated not that long ago. You’ve got a dc and you’re pregnant. The priority is making sure you feel comfortable and happy, if he misses out on a trip because he previously couldn’t keep it in his pants then that’s on him.

but also. If you don’t trust him, and he’s making it your problem by saying you’re being ott then I wouldn’t say the relationship is great and you probably should try to get some couples therapy if you can afford it or take some other steps to work on your trust together if not, assuming you don’t want to leave.

^ exactly this.

His priority should be making sure you feel comfortable and happy. If he misses out on a trip because he previously couldn't keep it in his pants then that's on him.

He should be telling his brother exactly how mortified he is about the suggestion a girl will be set up for him to have sex with while on the trip that he won't be coming as he is so appalled by the dehumanising language and lack of respect for you and your children.

Not telling you you're the one being ott.

NeedToChangeName · 16/12/2022 15:36

He's told me in no uncertain terms that anything of the sort would happen

Well........ what else was he going to say?

FamilyFunTimes · 16/12/2022 16:35

I REALLY think this isn’t your husband’s fault. Yes he has a past but as you said he’s made up for it. He also told you what was said which is really nice and has assured you nothing will happen. I personally would have a conversation with him about his brother and his brother’s disrespect for you and your family. I would be disgusted if any of my family spoke with me like that!

Alice786 · 16/12/2022 20:56

I'm sorry but I don't care how his brother is, I would not let him think he can disrespect me and my relationship like that and would not find it acceptable for my partner go and stay with someone who talks like this. By your partner going it is disrespectful to you. He needs to cancel.

DumpIing · 16/12/2022 20:59

Unfortunately, I think this is the sentence you give yourself when you take back a cheat.

You’ll never have a moment’s peace.

momonpurpose · 16/12/2022 21:23

Unfortunately I think you need to accept that these types of things will happen and keep happening. It's par for the course staying with someone who cheated

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