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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with these parents

40 replies

Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 16:11

Hi

I don’t know how to navigate this situation and it’s very upsetting for me and my dd.

At the beginning of school my dd entered a friendship with two other girls. Dd has other friends but these girls seemed to gel. They are now year 5.
Im not one to get involved in playground issues and I do know it’s a stage most girls go through.
The problem is one of these girls has basically excluded my dd and formed a close friendship with the other girl. She has persistently for the last year basically bullied my child. I have tried to support my dd in rectifying this and to just ignore these girls and form other friendships but it has had a huge impact on my dds mental health. I have approached school who tried to sort it out and I eventually approached the parents. One set of parents will not accept that there dd has done anything wrong and will not deal with this. The girl cries when they mention it and they believe her version. I actually saw this child push mine and I told the mum who disbelieved me.

My dd feels totally excluded. This hasn’t been helped by either parent in my opinion. They facilitate the girls having multiple play dates and even weekends away. Children are free to choose their friends and I’m not one to micro manage my child’s friendship but it has really annoyed me that parents have basically facilitated the exclusion of one child.
In all honesty I don’t want my dd to be friends with the bully child but she seems torn and was good friends with the other girl prior to knowing the bully girl. I wish the parents had dealt with this better and then these issues would not have been so persistent.

my dd is autistic so making new friends at this stage is difficult and she seems unable to let this go.
I do believe this led to the mums excluding my dd too. I’d like to tell them autism is not contagious. My dd is not perfect but she’s kind and fun and innocent.

This exclusion and persistent meanness is very distressing for my dd who is becoming more unwell by the day. It’s distressing as a parent to watch.

I feel powerless. I have encouraged other friendships and invited other children round but non have stuck possibly due to dds autism.
I could ask that she moves class but her teacher is specialist in autism so I’m reluctant. I’m at the point of looking at moving schools. It’s such an upheaval but my dd is so unhappy. School just nod and promise to do something but nothing changes.

I feel so pissed off
with the mums and I did tell them this. I don’t want to approach them again as I will say something I may regret.
I don’t know how else to navigate this.

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 15/12/2022 16:17

I mean this kindly (I have an autistic child and sibling, and yes it’s very upsetting to see them struggle).

But you really really should not be speaking to the other parents about this.

These other girls have chosen not to be friends with your daughter, which is absolutely their right. You cannot expect other parents to force them to be friends, or to reduce how much time they choose to spend together.

Its worth going back to the school and asking for more support for your daughter’s social skills. Is she doing social stories for example? Having any specific support in social skills?

but this is an issue to address with the school and your daughter’s support team, not by approaching other parents.

Whatsshecalled · 15/12/2022 16:20

I'm so sorry, I know how this feels as a parent and Ive been there myself with my daughter. However, you can't force children to be friends, neither can the school or other parents. As it sounds like this has been going on for some time you and your daughter need to accept that these girls aren't your daughters friends and continue encouraging spending time with other children. Also be careful not to pass your negative feelings on to your daughter, don't make this a bigger problem than it already is for her, be positive about new friends/ family whatever without dwelling on the other child being mean/a bully.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/12/2022 16:25

The friendship's changed. It happens throughout life. Rather than forcing the issue, you have to help her build self confidence and resilience. She feels like a victim because you seem to be reinforcing that she is. Just drop it.

LadyWithLapdog · 15/12/2022 16:26

I’m sorry for your DD. My DD (no autism) went through something like this and it was so upsetting to watch. It’s now 4-5 years later and she’s friends again with the former friend-turned-bully, who has grown up meanwhile. I’ve cautioned DD against being too open and accepting, in case she gets hurt again. It’s really awful, but I don’t think you can do much about it.

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2022 16:28

It's totally sucks. Even with NT kids a 3 girl friendships is tough going.

You need to get dd to back off from these girls. They don't want to be her friend and they treat her unkindly

I do lots of social stories about what makes a good friend, how a friends should treat each other. How to handle when people don't want to be friends.

Also look for out of school activities where she can make friends.

Mama1980 · 15/12/2022 16:34

Very gently, it sounds as if for whatever reason these girls have chosen not to be friends with your dd. Absolutely any pushing etc should be dealt with firmly but as for them socialising outside school, they are free to do as they please and I don't think you should be speaking to the parents about this at all.
Are there any clubs she could join to make new friends?

Comedycook · 15/12/2022 16:38

The parents are arseholes op. But a lot of parents, usually mums I'm sad to say, instead of discouraging this drama, seem to actually enjoy egging it on. Your poor DD.

Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 16:41

I accept that children and adults as it happens can be friends with whoever they wish.
I have been really positive with dd and never showed my emotions over this.
mine parent did say one of the girls did want to be friends with my dd but was pursued by the other not to.
I have accepted that the friendship is over and as upsetting as that is that it’s my dd excluded I have made it clear to her to move in and ignore. I have been saying it for months.
I need my dd to get the support but school seem lacking I this (her teacher is good) this is why I’m looking at moving schools to somewhere smaller with more support. I just don’t know how that would work but as I have another child in the school who is doing great.
I admit I can’t help being annoyed with the parents despite that being irrational or wrong on my part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 16:41

One parent not mine

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/12/2022 16:47

It's really tough, and upsetting for you and your daughter, but you can't force these girls to be friends with her.

As children grow older they develop different interests and social skills, and a lot of old friendships no longer fit. By all means your daughter should be supported to make new friendships, but blaming the other girls' parents is not reasonable.

mumonherphone · 15/12/2022 16:50

I would talk to her teacher about this. If she is autistic then it's not unreasonable for you to ask if the teacher would be willing to help facilitate activities with other children in the class, or prompt her to ask other children to play with her. You could also try talking to other mums and arrange play dates (I know this is much easier said than done.) Throw her a birthday party, invite the whole class and observe how she interacts with others and if there's anyone she gravitates towards. You will have the opportunity to do this at parties she is invited to as well.

I know you said you didn't want to micro manage her friendships but she may need a bit of help.

Hiddenvoice · 15/12/2022 17:18

I’m sorry your dd is going through this. It’s heartbreaking to see them upset and you’re right, they are bang on that age and stage where fall outs happen.
I would keep encouraging your dd to play with others, could she invite some other friends over to play?
I would avoid talking to the parents again. If your dd is pushed or anything during school time then she should speak to her teacher or you should contact the teacher and let them deal with it. The parents will now hopefully be encouraging their child to play elsewhere and leave your dd alone. This may make your child feel excluded but she needs you to help support her that as people grow up, friendships change and that doesn’t make her a bad person but gives her the chance to get to know other people and build new friendships.
I know you don’t want to move her class as it may be unsettling for her but moving school is a lot bigger and can be even more upsetting. Try to help encourage her that she can move on from this rather than start a fresh as this can happen again but in a new school.

Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 17:23

I understand friendships move on. I as a parent would have never encouraged exclusion of a child that was in this situation and that’s what I’m annoyed about.
My other child had one best friend but I encourage her to invite others round and I don’t tolerate exclusion of others especially those with additional needs.
The parents are the ones who organise the play dates so why not encourage them to invite the 3rd friend now and then.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/12/2022 17:28

The other parents can encourage their kids to include your DD. It sounds like you want them to demand she's invited. That's not a friendship. You're doing your DD a disservice and your behaviour, like complaining to the other parents, could alienate her.

viques · 15/12/2022 17:32

I would advise you not to move her somewhere smaller, she would be moving somewhere where friendships would already be established and where in any case there would be a smaller pool of potential friends. Plus your dd will be moving to a secondary school at the end of year six, which will be another huge change, and will, hopefully , offer the chance of making new relationships. I think the best thing you can do in the meantime is to encourage other friendships , maybe out of school through clubs , interests, sports, organisations etc.

I would also talk to the school to see if they have suggestions for how to foster your dds social skills,maybe she can be part of a group helping taking responsibility for a school garden, or school council, a school based charity like water aid, or the school library, or organising activities for younger children, any thing to help bolster her self esteem, improve her communication skills and her status.

Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 17:38

I’m going to speak to school about supporting her better with social situations.
I will let this go now for her sake. It’s just so in her face and the bully child relentlessly rubs her nose in it and that’s preventing my dd from moving on. Again it’s the school’s responsibility to sort this out though. I’m not going to speak to the parents again. I was actually friends with on of the mums before dc and during our dds friendship, they came to all our events and family parties etc so it’s a shame. She did say her dd wants to remain friends with my dd but is pulled by the other. That could have been an excuse though. It’s not important now anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 17:39

Hard to see your dc so lonely.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 15/12/2022 17:39

OP, it may take the other parents a while to notice a change in friendships and it’s really not something you can control, even if you would do things differently in their place.

NeedToChangeName · 15/12/2022 17:52

I feel so pissed off with the mums and I did tell them this

That probably wasn't a wise move. Most people don't react well to being criticised

I think the best strategy is to support and encourage your DD to find other friends and widen her circle. Does she have interests outside school? I think it's good for self esteem to feel you are good at something eg sport / music / whatever it might be

SleeplessInEngland · 15/12/2022 17:57

How does the bullying manifest? Choosing not to be friends with someone isn’t bullying on its own.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/12/2022 18:00

Obviously a different situation, but I was publicly dumped by my best friend in year 9 at school. Friendship drifted for a few months as a new girl joined the class and then BF shouted at me to go away that I wasn't her friend anymore and I was annoying.
I get how devastating it is to lose your best friends. But, good things do come from this. Those girls would have done this sooner or later. Now you can actually deal with things and help your dd find new friends. I know it's tough and you might have to be creative, but when she does find new friends, hopefully they'll treat her better and she'll be happier

Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 18:03

@SleeplessInEngland she has pushed my dd on a few occasions one into a pag causing an injury. I have witnessed her barge my dd hard outside school.
She also name calls a lot and has basically outright been mean such as purposefully singling my dd out or excluding her from activities

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 15/12/2022 18:04

I get it OP. It's heart-breaking to see them lonely or excluded. DS (10) has autism (and adhd) and struggles socially. It's especially hard to see with 2 older NT DS who both have lots of friends and make them easily.

DS had a very good friend who came to ours all the time/ days out during holidays etc for a few years. About a year ago she became very friendly with another child- to the extent that DS was told they didn't want to play with him. He has been so, so terribly upset- like your DD It's the watching them play without him that's very hurtful.

Mum of friend is lovely and v supportive, but I've told her she can't make her DD play with DS and friendships change. It's devastating for him, but I can't do anything. But at least I have nice parents who sympathise. For those saying parents have every right to support nastiness- they're wrong and have obviously never experienced exclusion of their children. It's deplorable from adults.

We're working on trying to connect with others, but his ASN make it very, very hard.

I get it. It's hard.

DuplicateUserName · 15/12/2022 18:06

Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 18:03

@SleeplessInEngland she has pushed my dd on a few occasions one into a pag causing an injury. I have witnessed her barge my dd hard outside school.
She also name calls a lot and has basically outright been mean such as purposefully singling my dd out or excluding her from activities

I have witnessed her barge my dd hard outside school.

What happened when you chastised her?

Was her mum there?

Original poster
Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 18:09

@DuplicateUserName i didn’t say anything to the child I just walked away with my dd. The mum wasn’t there. I told her after but she asked her dd who denied it and she believed her dd and said I must of been mistaken

OP posts: