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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with these parents

40 replies

Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 16:11

I don’t know how to navigate this situation and it’s very upsetting for me and my dd.

At the beginning of school my dd entered a friendship with two other girls. Dd has other friends but these girls seemed to gel. They are now year 5.
Im not one to get involved in playground issues and I do know it’s a stage most girls go through.
The problem is one of these girls has basically excluded my dd and formed a close friendship with the other girl. She has persistently for the last year basically bullied my child. I have tried to support my dd in rectifying this and to just ignore these girls and form other friendships but it has had a huge impact on my dds mental health. I have approached school who tried to sort it out and I eventually approached the parents. One set of parents will not accept that there dd has done anything wrong and will not deal with this. The girl cries when they mention it and they believe her version. I actually saw this child push mine and I told the mum who disbelieved me.

My dd feels totally excluded. This hasn’t been helped by either parent in my opinion. They facilitate the girls having multiple play dates and even weekends away. Children are free to choose their friends and I’m not one to micro manage my child’s friendship but it has really annoyed me that parents have basically facilitated the exclusion of one child.
In all honesty I don’t want my dd to be friends with the bully child but she seems torn and was good friends with the other girl prior to knowing the bully girl. I wish the parents had dealt with this better and then these issues would not have been so persistent.

my dd is autistic so making new friends at this stage is difficult and she seems unable to let this go.
I do believe this led to the mums excluding my dd too. I’d like to tell them autism is not contagious. My dd is not perfect but she’s kind and fun and innocent.

This exclusion and persistent meanness is very distressing for my dd who is becoming more unwell by the day. It’s distressing as a parent to watch.

I feel powerless. I have encouraged other friendships and invited other children round but non have stuck possibly due to dds autism.
I could ask that she moves class but her teacher is specialist in autism so I’m reluctant. I’m at the point of looking at moving schools. It’s such an upheaval but my dd is so unhappy. School just nod and promise to do something but nothing changes.

I feel so pissed off
with the mums and I did tell them this. I don’t want to approach them again as I will say something I may regret.
I don’t know how else to navigate this.

OP posts:

SomethingOriginal2 · 15/12/2022 18:17

As heartbreaking as it is, they don't want to be friends with her. It doesn't sound like they're chasing her round the playground bullying her. But she's trying to force herself, facilitated by you, onto them and they want leaving alone.

You need to prioritise her making other friends both with the school and at home, take her to some hobby type places. Alot hold SEN specific events where you can talk to other parents and try to make some friends and arrange playdates with them.

JRHartley72 · 15/12/2022 18:23

I don't think this is about the children, I think this is about you and the other mums. The other two mums have clearly hit it off if they're spending weekends away together as families and it doesn't suit them now to have you included as well as your DD. It's awful, nasty behaviour, but I'd put money on that being the root cause of the bullying – the girls are being encouraged to leave your DD out because it upsets their cosy dynamic. Definitely talk to the school about helping your DD expand her friendship circles and do the same with your own at the school gate.

ohioriver · 15/12/2022 18:26

I'm sorry op it's hard.

You need to be proactive with the school. You shouldn't involve the parents - that never goes well

LightHousePanda · 15/12/2022 18:43

It's tough at that age navigating friendships and I feel for you and your daughter.

It's hard to know what's going on at the other side. Perhaps the parents have suggested your daughter comes over but if their children are insistent then what can they do? It would just be awkward. Parents are naturally going to be on their children's side and so might not believe bad things about them. I think sometimes that can be good as I remember my mum believing others over me when I was telling the truth and that really hurt me.

I'd just keep encouraging her and maybe start some new hobbies where she can meet others.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 15/12/2022 19:47

My daughter had this she is 7
There was 3 little girls including my daughter and we met at a baby group then the other 2 girls have become thick as thieves really and never include my daughter in anything at school
They're horrible and bitchy and the mums have distanced themselves from me too but dd has lots of other friends I don't waste time and energy on it.
It is a shame as I had hoped we would all stay friends we did a lot together Pre-school and as parents we socialised too but you have to accept sometimes that friendships move on

IncessantNameChanger · 15/12/2022 19:57

My dd in year 3 has this exact issue too. She is my 4th and all my kids have been the third wheel at some point to one extent or another. Imo you don't hear so much if they are doing this to another kid.

I'm telling my dd repeatedly these girls are not friends. They are not nice people at all and she needs to move on. Dispite having autism she still has to learn some people are arses. A child telling another child to blank your dd is a arse. The girl who listens is also a arse. Personally and privately I think the one telling my dd friends to ignore her is a nasty little bitch ( in my head and I feel guilty that I view a 7 year old like that but it's never expressed). The mums are both lovely humans.

At the end of the day I'm not raising a people pleasing doormat. My dd needs to wise up and move on. She will meet a lot of arsehole men at some point she needs to find her boundaries. I'm seriously thinking about asking to move class. Absolutely will for year 4.

cansu · 15/12/2022 20:04

You need to accept that they do not want to be friends with her. The school cannot change this.
They can encourage your dd to go to clubs. They can suggest other girls she can join in with. However ultimately they cannot make others be friends with her. I would focus on getting her involved with some activities that she might enjoy both in and out of school. Ask the school if they can seat her with girls that might make friends with her.

SophiaTheFifth · 15/12/2022 20:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Puffalicious · 15/12/2022 21:17

SomethingOriginal2 · 15/12/2022 18:17

You've got to be fecking joking?! Clearly you're one of these parents that excludes children and thinks it's all fair as long as your child is happy. The OP has said they're rubbing it in her face. I see this with my DS- it's horrible. You sound like a bitchy parent that passes that on to their children.

And, yeah, let's exclude the kids with ASN- they can all group together and only have friends that are like them, because them being different is too uncomfortable/ inconvenient for us 'normal' people. FFS.

SomethingOriginal2 · 15/12/2022 21:28

Puffalicious · 15/12/2022 21:17

Show quote history

🤣 no. As the autistic kid now grown, I can say that being encouraged by your mum to try to make people be your friends when they've made it clear they don't to is absolutely shit! It pretty much MAKES them be horrible to you. They used to be her friends, now they're not.
Yes it's absolutely shit but you can't make people be your friends just because you wany to, she needs to find new people.

Original poster

Notyetacatlady · 15/12/2022 21:43

@SomethingOriginal2 she is not following them round and I’m not forcing her to try be their friend. Not sure if you have read the thread but I actually said the opposite

OP posts:

Luckyducker · 15/12/2022 21:58

If they don't get on they don't get on.

LexMitior · 15/12/2022 22:53

I can confirm this stage is absolutely grim and I hated every minute of having to listen to this stuff because there is nothing you can do but short of bullying you will not change it.

Your child has to find their own way. I do not remember it being so difficult myself, but I think that some mothers are just too involved with how their children must be to be really accepting. They choose and do their kids.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2023 07:50

its interesting you think the parents have to facilitate the friendship. Girls are tricky when it comes to friendships. These girls are giving your daughter the message they no longer want a group of three. You need to gently guide her to understand this and help her make new friendships. She will need to make new friends in high school so this is an important skill building opportunity for her.

ElleWoods15 · 14/10/2023 12:33

Really feel for your daughter OP. I don’t agree with a couple of PPs that it sounds like both the girls don’t want to be friends with your daughter any more. It sounds more like bully girl has made that decision and is forcing it on the other friend. Really sad and crap of the parents to facilitate. But some parents are crappy about this kind of thing, and I think you need to focus on helping your daughter move forward.

Slightly random suggestion, but if your daughter’s a reader, can I suggest the book A Kind of Spark- main character is a girl who has autism and faces exactly this situation. It might encourage her (albeit hard) with making new friends.

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