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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU partner seems to have forgotten my birthday

35 replies

BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 15:41

Just that really. We’ve been dating for 2 years. She’s pretty horrible with remembering dates but I have made mention of my birthday (e.g. what sort of cake I might like as she usually gets one made - following reminders) and suggested a free gift she could get me that I’d like as I know money is tight.
My birthday is on Saturday. I’m away at the moment and I’ve said do you think we could do something Saturday, watch a movie etc, and she’s said she may have to go out and I should know not to ask her plans on advance as she doesn’t ever know.
I really don’t think this is a double bluff and that she’s secretly remembered. She seems genuinely clueless and it’s very “her” to not have it on her radar.
My daughter’s birthday is a week before, so there was that huge reminder also and the mention of mine following hers and how it’s the last thing on my mind right now (and now hers, apparently). There has been zero mention from her about what we might do on the day or asking me what I’d like.
I don’t know how I feel about it. I could remind her, but I don’t think I’d feel much genuine joy in the day knowing I’d had to do that. I feel like it’s probably best to let it go and enjoy the celebration with my family and good friends who have remembered. I know she will be upset about it though and will likely say I should have reminded her (although I feel like I have)…
Just wanted others thoughts really - AIBU?!

OP posts:
Mardyface · 15/12/2022 15:44

she may have to go out and I should know not to ask her plans on advance as she doesn’t ever know.

This is annoying birthday or no to be honest.

However there's no point making your birthday an issue between you. Remind her again. You're in charge of making your own birthday nice and life is much more pleasant when you accept that (generally, not just you).

FinalPushh · 15/12/2022 15:44

Enjoy the day with your family and good friends, and get rid of her. She doesn't sound that interested or bothered so she isn't worth being in a relationship with anymore.

BackOnTheBandWagon · 15/12/2022 15:45

I think ask her outright - have you forgotten it's my birthday on Saturday? And tell her you're upset and to put a bloody reminder in her phone. Fair enough she's terrible with dates, but she's an adult, so should be capable of mitigating her shortcomings.

LimeTwists · 15/12/2022 15:46

I genuinely don’t think there is any excuse for forgetting a partner’s birthday. Phone reminders are an absolute basic. It’s laziness and apathy. Plan your own fun birthday without her. If she needs repeatedly reminding, that’s on her, not you.

Sancerre2 · 15/12/2022 15:49

There doesn't seem to be any point reminding her now, it'll just take the shine off anything that would come from her. Reminding her maybe a month before, maybe.

Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 15:51

Thank you. Yes, I did remind her at least a week ago and have mentioned it prior to that too. I don’t feel like saying it again - as you say it would take the shine off.

OP posts:
shieldmaiden7 · 15/12/2022 15:54

Personally I would go ahead and plan a wonderful day and evening for myself regardless of her. I hope you have a wonderful day x

takealettermsjones · 15/12/2022 15:54

Why did you tell her it was the last thing on your mind/what was the context of that? Could she have interpreted that as you saying you don't want to celebrate?

Oysterbabe · 15/12/2022 15:57

In an ideal world she would remember. It appears she hasn't so tell her. You can either spend your birthday doing something nice together or pissed off and alone. It's not too late for it to be the former.

Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold · 15/12/2022 15:58

My birthday is on Saturday. I’m away at the moment and I’ve said do you think we could do something Saturday, watch a movie etc, and she’s said she may have to go out and I should know not to ask her plans on advance as she doesn’t ever know.

Well this must be rubbish to live with generally? but honestly if she remembered it's your birthday Saturday and she still said this then that'd really fucked up

Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:00

I’m a single parent to my daughter so I was planning her actual birthday, plus organising her party the next day (10.30pm finishing off the cake type thing). I just said my mum asked me about my birthday and I said something like: I can’t even think about that right now! I told her I’ll just be happy to just have a nice meal on the day.
But she knows me very well and there’s no way she could think I don’t want any time spent with me / any sort of special thought on my birthday. It doesn’t sound like she even is aware it’s an unusual day.

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 15/12/2022 16:02

The comment about not being able to make plans as she doesn’t know herself as a general thing would wind me up.
on balance though I would remind her as I think you’re in a bit of a lose lose situation but this way there’s time for her to make an effort

steff13 · 15/12/2022 16:06

Why does she not know her plans for Saturday?

Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:07

steff13 · 15/12/2022 16:06

Why does she not know her plans for Saturday?

She likes to spend large portions of her days off sleeping. Sometimes to make extra money she will go out and do food deliveries (which I support her in doing). But whether or not she will do this will depend how tired she feels / if she wants to go out.

OP posts:
steff13 · 15/12/2022 16:09

Oh, if that's the case she's being a jerk.

Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:11

steff13 · 15/12/2022 16:09

Oh, if that's the case she's being a jerk.

It has caused a lot of upset previously. I think that’s why I feel like letter her feel this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:12

^ letting her feel this one.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 15/12/2022 16:23

I would not expect another adult to organise my birthday cake if I want one. I didn’t realise adults always had a birthday cake anyway, but if I want one I will just get one. I also would not drop unsolicited hints about birthday presents, whether free or not.

But my husband would definitely not forget my birthday and would be expecting us to do something, which he might organise, but more likely I would organise as I tend to be the organiser. So certainly, compared to me anyway, you are quite passive about what you want and want to do. But regardless of the fact that I feel you could be less passive, it really isn’t clear that your partner can be bothered at all.

Dozycuntlaters · 15/12/2022 16:24

My ex was like this, absolutely dreadful at remembering dates. The first year we were together he totally forgot and when I reminded him on the phone he tried telling me my birthday as the next day!! The second year we were together I reminded him last minute and he as genuinely perplexed it as a late reminder and told me it was very short notice.......I was like its the same fucking day every year. I realised thought that late/non reminders were really a test on my part and setting him up to fail so I always made sure after that he was aware well in advance. Annoying but yeah, some people are awful regarding dates. he's my ex now though, not because of that but generally he had a lackadaisical attitude to pretty much everything, including dates!!

Dartmoorcheffy · 15/12/2022 16:28

Do you live together? It doesn't sound much of a relationship.

Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:29

Aprilx · 15/12/2022 16:23

I would not expect another adult to organise my birthday cake if I want one. I didn’t realise adults always had a birthday cake anyway, but if I want one I will just get one. I also would not drop unsolicited hints about birthday presents, whether free or not.

But my husband would definitely not forget my birthday and would be expecting us to do something, which he might organise, but more likely I would organise as I tend to be the organiser. So certainly, compared to me anyway, you are quite passive about what you want and want to do. But regardless of the fact that I feel you could be less passive, it really isn’t clear that your partner can be bothered at all.

Her getting me a cake has become a tradition, so it’s not just a whim or what have you from me. She’s got me one the last 2 years and put something personal on it. However, they have been ordered last minute, following a reminder about my birthday (not a cake specially) from me. This year I did say oh it would be cute if you put X on my cake this year, since it’s become a “thing”. She doesn’t HAVE to get me one though. I feel I have to say things to her to put it on her mind. As I say, she has not made one mention about anything at all…
We are very different and I appreciate that. I will talk about her birthday / Christmas on the lead up and get things in advance. She just doesn’t. And without me saying this week that it’s my birthday Saturday, it seems she’s totally forgotten.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:32

Dozycuntlaters · 15/12/2022 16:24

My ex was like this, absolutely dreadful at remembering dates. The first year we were together he totally forgot and when I reminded him on the phone he tried telling me my birthday as the next day!! The second year we were together I reminded him last minute and he as genuinely perplexed it as a late reminder and told me it was very short notice.......I was like its the same fucking day every year. I realised thought that late/non reminders were really a test on my part and setting him up to fail so I always made sure after that he was aware well in advance. Annoying but yeah, some people are awful regarding dates. he's my ex now though, not because of that but generally he had a lackadaisical attitude to pretty much everything, including dates!!

This sounds very similar! I do feel I’m setting her up to fail. It just sucks knowing she needs this degree of reminding, but I guess I will have to accept that one way or another. I’m actually not that good with dates either but I do know the important months etc for those close to me.

OP posts:
Tomatoblush · 15/12/2022 16:33

I don’t know if it’s just me but birthdays are important in my family and there is no forgetting because we always plan what we are doing.
Ill say hey DP it’s your birthday in three weeks what shall we do.
Do you want people here or go out or I’ll cook a nice meal at home.
Same the other way ~ I’ll say I’d like to do xyz on my birthday what do you think.
And we discuss it. No upsets no drama.

I can’t for the life of me see why people leave it to chance that the other will remember. Don’t people talk to each other?

Aprilx · 15/12/2022 16:44

BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:29

Her getting me a cake has become a tradition, so it’s not just a whim or what have you from me. She’s got me one the last 2 years and put something personal on it. However, they have been ordered last minute, following a reminder about my birthday (not a cake specially) from me. This year I did say oh it would be cute if you put X on my cake this year, since it’s become a “thing”. She doesn’t HAVE to get me one though. I feel I have to say things to her to put it on her mind. As I say, she has not made one mention about anything at all…
We are very different and I appreciate that. I will talk about her birthday / Christmas on the lead up and get things in advance. She just doesn’t. And without me saying this week that it’s my birthday Saturday, it seems she’s totally forgotten.

Show quote history

I really don’t want to defend your partner, because it does sound like she is quite indifferent and I would not like to be treated like that. But you have only had two birthdays, getting a cake is not a tradition, it is something she has done twice and maybe she doesn’t want to have to spend the rest of her life with this expectation from you. And honestly, if you have had to tell her what cute thing to put on your cake, why don’t you just order your own cake.

Original poster
BirdBrain85 · 15/12/2022 16:44

Tomatoblush · 15/12/2022 16:33

I don’t know if it’s just me but birthdays are important in my family and there is no forgetting because we always plan what we are doing.
Ill say hey DP it’s your birthday in three weeks what shall we do.
Do you want people here or go out or I’ll cook a nice meal at home.
Same the other way ~ I’ll say I’d like to do xyz on my birthday what do you think.
And we discuss it. No upsets no drama.

I can’t for the life of me see why people leave it to chance that the other will remember. Don’t people talk to each other?

We make a big deal in my family to a degree (decorate the table nicely etc) but for the actual day I don’t particularly care to do anything lavish. Very happy with a takeaway and a movie, which is what we’d discussed prior. But when I asked about watching a movie on Saturday she says she doesn’t know.

OP posts: