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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take off for a weekend away and force my DH and in laws to help with DD?

30 replies

Winniethepig · 15/12/2022 11:07

My DH and I live in the US and my in laws are in UK. They're visiting us for 12 weeks and staying with me, DH and our 4mnth old and 3 year old.

The whole extended visit was sold to me as having lots of extra help and that DH and I could go away for a weekend, and out for dinners. Mother in law has a DD in UK and is literally always having her other three grandchildren for sometimes upto 4 nights while my sister in law and her husband take off to festivals, other countries etc and because we don't have them here we get none of that.

Anyway, their visit isn't taking away work for me but instead I'm doing so much more. My husband used to help with the toddlers bedtime but now his dad is here he is taking off on the longest dog walks possible, and the finding "projects" to do around the house that always require a visit to the hardware store around dinner, bath and bedtime.

So, I now do all day childcare, both bedtimes and then I come out and have to do most dinners.

I am beyond exhausted and thought I would have more help but I don't.

I want to take the baby and have myself a weekend away and just not tell them until
I have gone, and force my husband and his parents to actually help with DD. My baby I can manage, he feeds and sleeps.

AIBU to just take off and force their hand?

OP posts:

nutbrownhare15 · 15/12/2022 11:10

I wouldn't take off if just say DH it's your turn to do bedtime tonight. Who is cooking as I cooked last night? Just make your expectations very clear to DH, his parents visit doesn't mean he gets to do less if it means you have to do more.

Whataretheodds · 15/12/2022 11:10

It's pretty nuclear. It would be more grown up and constructive for you to sit them down and play back what's actually happened and ask them to take the opportunity to rectify the situation for the remainder of their visit.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to be spending time with his father while visiting but there should be a balance.

Tali5ker · 15/12/2022 11:11

Don’t just take off. Use yours words, communicate and say where and when you are going and WHY.

if you take off you become the bad guy in this.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/12/2022 11:11

This might be a strange suggestion but why dont you Y'know speak to your Husband?

BatshitBanshee · 15/12/2022 11:11

I wouldn't desert DD to teach selfish adults a lesson.

I would however say I've done all the dinners and bedtimes - DH you're on bedtime tonight and who's doing dinner? Not me!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/12/2022 11:13

Well YANBU but also you need to put a rocket up your DH, and make him realise that his parents being there doesn’t exempt him from looking after his children.

Does he perhaps think his Mum is stepping into his usual shoes? Still unfair if so, but perhaps that’s his misconception.

I remember this with my exh, he did previous little anyway, but if anyone else was around, he would assume that they were taking over his tasks, so that it was them and me on duty rather than him and me. Never thought perhaps it could work out that I might have less to do. Plus the other person might not realise they were assuming to be stepping into his shoes (by him) so like you I’d end up with more on my plate.

unfortunateevents · 15/12/2022 11:13

I think it's a bit dramatic to go from doing everything to disappearing for a weekend (although I understand your frustration!). But why are you not having a conversation with your DH about this - and telling him that he must be present for all of bedtime/bath etc at least 50% of the remainder of the visit. Or tell him you are going shopping on X evening and so he is in charge of the evening at home.

Also why not just tell your PIL that you are very busy and that tomorrow evening they need to order in or prepare dinner for everyone? And give them an evening when you and DH will be going out and they need to babysit? After all, they told you this is why they were visiting - but don't expect them to set up the dates and weekend away for you!

Cherrysoup · 15/12/2022 11:15

12 weeks?! Dear god, I’d be in prison for multiple murders by now! Are your in-laws not helping with food/bedtimes/housework?

Puppyseahorse · 15/12/2022 11:16

What are the ILs doing during the day?

have you planned any weekends away, leaving the kids with ILs?

what does your husband say when you tell him you’re unhappy with division of labour?

more info needed I think.

but you do have my sympathy, having visitors for 12 weeks sounds like torture.

NumberTheory · 15/12/2022 11:20

nutbrownhare15 · 15/12/2022 11:10

^^ This is a more effective way of dealing with the issue and will provide you with more than a short break.

I get why your feeling this way. With a 4 month old you’re probably at the end of your tether but, unless you are fleeing abuse, taking a child away from their other parent sneakily is not reasonable behaviour.

Use your words, it will work better in the long term. If you need to do the sort of thing you’ve suggested to get any sort of consideration, you need to get out of the marriage anyway.

RandomMess · 15/12/2022 11:27

You have a DH problem.

I would tell DH you are going and go away for a week tbh.

Goldbar · 15/12/2022 11:28

If talking isn't working, I'd get a babysitter in to help for the day.

Leave the babysitter downstairs with the children and your in laws and go upstairs to have a sleep. You can come and get the baby if they need feeding. Your DH and in laws will have to deal with having a stranger in the house providing the help they're failing to provide.

Then I'd offer your DH a choice - either he steps up and does more or you'll get help in and he'll just have to put up with it.

And just don't cook dinner. Your 3yo will survive on a sandwich and the world won't stop if 3 adults have to fend for themselves.

Ginsloth · 15/12/2022 11:37

I know this is an absolutely wild suggestion, but have you ever tried to have a conversation with your husband?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2022 11:37

He should be doing bedtimes as usual. Why does he think ditching his kids for his dad is acceptable? It’s 3 fucking months, not a flying visit where every moment is precious and normal routines and responsibilities can be postponed.

Don’t have a strop and flounce, you’ll look mad. Just talk to DH, be clear about what he needs to be doing - you shouldn’t have to but it seems you do.

ClaryFairchild · 15/12/2022 11:44

When my ex pulled a similar stunt I told him that if he didn't pull his head out of his arse that would be the LAST time his parents would be welcome in our home. And he bloody well knew I meant it and stopped being so awful.

pelargoniums · 15/12/2022 11:44

Don’t take off. Have the conversation with your DH first.

If he still insists on going awol, leaving bedtimes to you, come downstairs once DC are asleep and sit down, making no mention of dinner. (Order a pizza for one if you don’t want to go hungry.) Stop food shopping, meal planning or sorting food.

poefaced · 15/12/2022 11:50

Your DH and in laws are being utter shits. So should you lose your shit at all of them.

They are all using you.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/12/2022 12:41

What I would do is over dinner tonight, have a conversation about which weekends they are going to look after the children as that is what you were told by your DH they were going to be here to do.
I'd follow that up with "I'm going to take a shower/bath so someone else will have to 1. wash the dishes/clean up after dinner, 2. put the children to bed, 3. anything else you normally do in the evening but need them to do, See you when I'm done" then go do it.

That not only puts your DH on notice that he hasn't stepped up but it also shows the ILs that you were told that they were there to help you out not for them causing you more work.

Try it. See how you get on.

Runaway1 · 15/12/2022 12:52

‘Over the last few days no one has helped cook or look after dd. This means I have had to do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare. This has made me tired and angry and I would like things to change. I would like you all to help for the next x weeks. Can we talk about who is going to do what?’

Brefugee · 15/12/2022 12:55

I would make a lovely dinner and then just say: right you've been here x weeks, i haven't had a night off, date night, any help with anything, you're causing me more work. So. Now you know that you have all left me doing all the work, you are taking over literally everything and i will be looking after the baby (but not 24/7) and i don't wan to hear a peep.

Then depending on their reaction to that, go away for a long weekend with the baby and ignore them.

billy1966 · 15/12/2022 12:59

You poor woman.
Post partum and visitors for 3 months.

Why are tolerating this from your selfish husband and in laws?

Unbelievable.

Read him the riot act and tell him they will NEVER visit again because of his and their selfishness.

Tell him you will never forget how selfish he is being towards you with a new baby and what a complete liar he was saying his parents would help.

Feed yourself and the children and leave him to his selfish parents.

Have you any family that you could visit?

Stop any laundry and housework that benefits anyone but you.

Completely unforgivable IMO.

He has just shown you who he is, you need to be utterly brutal in telling him how badly he has let you down.

This is NOT normal.

This is the behaviour of a very selfish person from a very selfish family.

GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2022 13:05

Their behaviour is outrageous. Before you check out, have you spoken to him?

"I've made all the meals and done all the bedtimes for the last week. I'm tired, when is it your turn? When are we having the weekend away we discussed?"

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 15/12/2022 13:06

I get you OP. It's all very well saying 'speak to your husband' but you shouldn't have to. He said the visit would give you extra help, he knows you're tired and he's deliberately left everything to you. You won't be telling him something he doesn't already know and you shouldn't have to manage and direct him to help him like he's another child.

NoelNoNoel · 15/12/2022 13:11

That sounds awful. I would be assertive and say to your DH you are doing dinners 2 nights or whatever a week so he’ll have to sort out the other days. Then stick to it.
Doing just your own laundry is also a good suggestion.
You need to disappear for a long bath around bedtime too.

IncompleteSenten · 15/12/2022 13:25

Assuming you have already spoken to your husband and told him he is taking the poss and he needs to actually be a father (none of this "helping" bollocks like he's doing you a favour if he does bath or bedtime or wipes down a surface or two) then yes. Book a few days away. Tell him he is a father and it is equally his responsibility and you are pig sick of him shirking his parental obligations and dumping everything on you.

Focus on his failure to do his job, not your in-laws. He's the one who has responsibilities he's ignoring. They're simply letting you down on a promised favour.

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