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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not tell sibling about DD suicide attempt

50 replies

SimSam · 15/12/2022 08:16

Trigger
Hi all so this is a triggering question
dd was away at uni and made a suicide attempt start this week. ** She took herself to a&e was kept in for a few days. First attempt. No indication anything was wrong. We’re in good contact by telephone or what’s app every 1/2 days. Normally discuss all stuff.

Husband went to hospital and stayed and is due to bring her home. i have not told my 13 year old what has happened. I have said she was sick, went to hospital and they kept her in. I explained father has gone because she is sick and he will stay to travel back with her.
AIBU not to tell 13 year old?

** post edited by MNHQ as it contained reference to suicide method.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/12/2022 08:18

Sorry to hear this op, what a worry. I don’t think your 13 year old needs the details. It would only worry them and add to all the stress the family are going through

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2022 08:19

I think at 13 she is likely to find out the truth, and it would be better coming from you.

littlepeas · 15/12/2022 08:20

It depends a bit on the family dynamic but I think tell your 13 year old. Secrets always come out in the end and often cause upset. I also think it's important that your dd feels able to talk about how she feels and not be ashamed.

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 15/12/2022 08:21

Personally I would explain gently. Family secrets have a way of getting out of hand.

Tukmgru · 15/12/2022 08:21

I’m so sorry to hear this but glad she is ok. No need to tell the sibling, I think that’s for your DD to do in time / when the sibling is older. But yes you’re right to say she was sick, as your other child will pick up on the entirely understandable stress you’re under.

When you have time to and you’ve given all the support you can, make sure you are DP take care of yourselves and find time to process.

I’m sure you won’t but as general advice on this kind of thing, be careful not to blame DD, or to feel anger towards her. Sometimes it’s not obvious at all outside our own minds why we feel the way we do. Sometimes it’s just a time and a place, and hopefully it won’t happen again. Good luck to you all.

SerenaTee · 15/12/2022 08:23

I would tell the sibling, secrets have a way of festering and you want to encourage openness in all communications. I hope your DD is ok and you all get the support you need x

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 08:23

I don't think you're being understanding because the truth is that you don't know how your 13-year-old will process this information. However, you need to consider if they could possibly find out about the attempt another way. If so, you may want to reveal what happened. You may need professional help to do so delicately and in an age-appropriate way. If you think you can keep it contained, at least for the time being, I don't think it would be bad to do so. As a parent, you don't want to lie, but you need to make sure things are shared in an age-appropriate way, which you did by saying she was sick and your husband went to see about her and bring her home.

Anonymouseposter · 15/12/2022 08:23

What would your eldest daughter feel about you telling her younger sibling?

UnicornMumcraft · 15/12/2022 08:24

I’m torn on this, from your post I think no the 13 year old doesn’t need to know. Although if they’re likely to find out anyway you’d be better no lying in the first place.

Equally, I’ve been the sibling in a similar situation and was lied to. I found out later and was really hurt. I think the difference in my case was a) I was older and b) I was involved in supporting my sibling and the family at the time ( I was aware there were mental health issues but not the full picture) so I felt concerned that I was that involved without having the full picture, and that I maybe might have handled things differently/better supported my sibling had I known.

gamechangling · 15/12/2022 08:24

I would tell her - from someone that has grown up knowing so many family secrets but never told them officially. It will give her somewhere to talk it through with or be able to raise again if she needs to -

Craftycorvid · 15/12/2022 08:26

Sadly, today’s 13-year-olds are likely to be all too aware of self-harm and suicide, so she may well intuit what has happened. Does your older daughter want to discuss it as a family yet? What’s her relationship with her sister? For now, saying her big sister has been ill is probably enough information until you get a fuller picture of what led to your daughter’s overdose. Sending you good wishes; it’s an emotionally tough thing to happen.

porpy · 15/12/2022 08:26

Anonymouseposter · 15/12/2022 08:23

What would your eldest daughter feel about you telling her younger sibling?

This! Does older DD mind you telling others?

user1471457751 · 15/12/2022 08:26

It's your eldest child's private medical history, surely she is the only one who can decide to tell your younger child. I hate the idea that some posters have of it being secretive and not 'open communication' to not share somebody else's medical information.

Pixiedust1234 · 15/12/2022 08:28

First of all I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've been there and its awful.

It all depends on the sibling relationship imo. If they are close then you must explain it to the youngest, as siblings find their own way to show support and help. My youngest was told because she was close her her sister.

If they fight a lot, then no. The youngest will find a way to use it as a weapon at some point in their life. Whether that's in 3 months or 3 years they will use it, its human nature.

I hope your dd finds the help she needs Flowers

Balloonsandroses · 15/12/2022 08:29

Depends what your eldest DD wants.

would you tell sibling if DD had been admitted with (for example) a perforated appendix? It’s interesting and sad how much more shame and stigma there still is around mental health issues compared to physical health issues.

Hope your eldest DD recovers well and hugs to you all

Rotherweird · 15/12/2022 08:29

I'm so sorry this has happened - I hope your DD is ok. I do think you should tell DD2, it's much better that she hears it from you and can ask questions than pieces together information on her own and worries.

ThisIsWhyWeCantHaveNiceThings · 15/12/2022 08:31

I think it's up to your oldest daughter to tell her, if she wants to.

I used to self harm. If my mum had told my siblings I would have been so embarrassed. And I probably would never have told her anything ever again.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 15/12/2022 08:33

That isn't your story to tell - not to anyone. What you have said is enough. Your young adult DD will tell who she wants to.

Keep her confidence allow her to work out how she wants to deal with this. Support her. Don't take away her agency.

jenny38 · 15/12/2022 08:34

I would ask your eldest DD when she comes home first. If you do tell your 13 year old, perhaps do some reading on best language to use. You know your 13 year old, there can be vast differences in maturity at this age.
I hope everything improves for your eldest

Original poster
SimSam · 15/12/2022 08:36

I guess I should say that I’m not ashamed of mental health.
i guess I was thinking more from viewpoint it’s her business, it happened in her home, uni 18 - she could have chosen not to tell us and we wouldn’t have known. I
’m not sure if she wants us to tell her sibling? I don’t think this sibling can help with support, very young in maturity and not expressive.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 15/12/2022 08:40

This must be your DD’s decision. You’ve said she is ill - that is true. Leave it at that unless your Dd wants her sibling to know.

strawberryandcreams · 15/12/2022 08:41

This kind of family secret resulted in the worst possible outcome and very upset siblings who had no idea.
I know age is a factor but you need to explain gently about mental health

Shemovesshemoves21 · 15/12/2022 08:42

It's a reasonable question to ask your eldest, perhaps on the drive home with her dad. Whatever she wants should be respected and she can open up to your 13yo if/when she wants to. Her feelings around the attempted suicide will be raw and her wants and needs should come first. If she doesn't want your 13yo to know, keep answers about why she's ill breezy and vague "she's not been well so she'll be at home for a while. Just leave her to rest".

Jerabilis · 15/12/2022 08:42

That should be your eldest daughter’s decision to make, not yours. I had a suicide attempt at 13, my parents kept it from everyone, including my grandad who was living with us at the time. The pressure I felt NOT to talk about it really didn’t help my recovery.

Notjusta · 15/12/2022 08:44

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with PP who have said it is your DD's personal, medical information. It is not your decision to share it. I think that you can speak to your older DD when she is is up to it and ask her how she feels about telling her sibling.

It is incredibly difficult as, at 13, your other DD will be fully aware that something serious is going on and may ask exactly what it wrong. It will be uncomfortable for them and for you to feel that you are keeping them in the dark. A very tricky situation.

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